I had a baby with the wrong man.

[thisisfartoohonest]

We've been together for nearly 4 years. I was in a bad relationship beforehand and wanted to find someone who I could have a proper lasting relationship with, and I jumped into this relationship. Because of that I 'made' us work, I wasn't completely me, I didn't think about my needs and what I really needed in a relationship, I just played the happy girlfriend, without looking at the long term picture, and I ignored and didn't challenge my DP when he did things I didn't like as I just wanted us to be ok and fine. I made sure he was happy all the time. He is not a bad person, but i pretended to be someone else, and i realise now that we are not well matched, in many ways. Our love for each other has gone. He won't consider relationship counseling. If we didn't have our 2 year old dd I'm sure we wouldn't be together. If we lived close to family and friends then maybe we would consider breaking up, but we live abroad, far away from family, and are here for the next couple of years. Breaking up here would be far too hard - emotionally, financially, logistically, and I have no idea where we would go, as we don't own a house, or belong, anywhere. How can we plan a move in the future, separately. So I think we have to stay together. But it breaks my heart every time I see friends getting married, knowing that we won't do this. I wish I had been more mature and knowledgeable in getting into a relationship. I am very stuck right now, trying to pretend that everything will be ok. I want my dd to grow up with good relationship role models. I read about relationships on MN where people are fed up because their love has turned into 'just' their best friend - I wish we were best friends. I never thought that living with someone could be lonelier than living on your own.

I know there are no easy answers here. I have been lurking for such a long time, and I've never had the nerve to write all this down and be so honest with my feelings. Sorry that it is all over the place.

I think where there is a will there is a way.

I take it you are not married? If you're not married it is quite easy to leave.

The logistics of moving back to where your family are might be hard to work out, but nothing is impossible.

If you are living abroad, why do you have to stay there? Are you working out there on a fixed contract you cannot break? Or is he? Or both of you?

There is no need to stay with someone who is not the love of your life and your soulmate just because it is logistically hard to leave. It just takes determination, patience and time.

Good luck.

youre not stuck. Splitting up is your best option.

Yes, we are both on contracts that can't be broken (or would impact us negatively to break). I can't just take our dd and leave - DP hasn't done anything wrong to deserve this, and is a wonderful father.

You need to talk to each other honestly, openly, explain how you feel and work out a timescale and a way that you can end your relationship amicably as a couple but continue to be good co-parents to your child. No, he probably doesn't deserve the heartbreak but I don't think he deserves someone to stay with him out of pity or on false pretences either. That would be cruel.

I had a baby with the wrong man

No you didn't. You had a baby with a man you were determined to believe was right for you and, as commonly occurs, after you had that baby the rosy specs fell from your eyes you discovered you'd been fooling yourself.

As for him being the 'wrong man' to have a child with, after leaving your previous bad relationship the chances are that any man you chose to have a dc with would subsequently prove to be the 'wrong' one because you failed to give yourself time to validate yourself and rushed into another relationship in order to make you feel 'complete'.

If you hadn't your dd with this man she wouldn't be the amazing child she is, would she? Or are you saying you want to change her?

If he's a decent man who just doesn't happen to be right for you, then he will work with you in separating amicably and sharing the parenting of your daughter.

If he's not a decent man then seek help in the practical aspects of separating from him.

But don't carry on living in a situation that makes you miserable. Relationships are not compulsory.

You don't have to stay together as a couple. You could split up, become flat-mates & co-parents, or one of you move out & still co-parent.

When your contracts are up, then you work out your next moves.

You sound like you do, or could once this is resolved, still like him? If that's right and he feels the same, I think an amicable separation, maybe even being able to stay in the same house until the contracts are up, might be possible?

Is your personal, rather than romantic, relationship with each other one where you could live more as flat ages than partners?

Thank you for your replies.

izzyizin Yes, exactly. My dd is the reason why I can't regret the relationship. She is everything to me. The thought of not living with her everyday would break my heart, which adds another tricky dimension to the prospect of breaking up.

diamondee why did you not leave, and why, in hindsight would you leave? You say that you do love him....?

We need to talk, I know that, but I am frightened of where it will lead. It is such a huge conversation to have. If the logistics weren't so difficult then it might not feel so enormous. But even then, it would still be huge.

I feel like I need to just keep going for a little longer. I'm not strong enough at the moment to deal with it.

The longer you delay the conversation, you realise the more it'll hurt him when you finally tell him? Don't be the kind of person who leads someone along on false pretences thinking all in the garden is rosy and you love them when it's not true... There's nothing more insulting than to feel patronised.

As long as you dont end up staying years down the line, there is no deadline to meet. Gather your strength. It takes courage to actually raise the issue and follow through. I left a boyfriend a few years ago, it took me just under a year to actually walk away but I had to wait until i was ready to follow through and get past the stage of being talked out of it. Also get logistical issues clear in your head first, it will allow you to stay in control.

Thanks Fergus that helps.

I'm not leading him along, we both know that everything isn't rosy. In fact a couple of months ago we had a diluted conversation about all of this, and it was initiated by him. We both know, and feel trapped, and are trying to make it work, but I think probably trying to make it work isn't the best long term option. I don't think he loves me, I wouldn't be breaking his heart. It is just a really sad situation, because neither of us wants to break up the family unit.

You can have counselling on your own you know, even with Relate. It might help you be the person you want to be while you plan moving forward ie acting with kindness and integrity and putting your needs and your daughter's first.

Individual counselling might also help you learn as much as you can where you are now so you're not saying "I got together with the wrong man because I didn't want to be a single parent" a few years down the line. I say this as one who has a tendency to repeat the same mistake a few times just to make absolutely sure it really is a mistake .

Good luck.

I know this is an old thread, but I hope you’re still active on here. I’m in almost an identicle situation and wondered what happened? Did you stay / leave / things get any better / worse? I’m struggling to know what to do with my trapped situation!