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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Our Marriage / RELATE / Help

18 replies

AmAli · 22/01/2013 17:08

Hi

My hubby and I are due to start RELATE...

He told me a month ago that his feelings for me have changed, he says he cares and worries about me just his love has lessened/dissipated.

I suffer with anxiety and now depression due to certain events in our lifes.

I wish to add we have BOTH been under a lot of stresses this past year 2012 to now.

I still love him.... I have to admit I have been very cranky on and off for some time now, not all the time just evry soo often, due to outside family issues, I know this isn?t an excuse but the issue is there... (he gets my all my issues on his shoulders) ...and isn?t going to change with regards this family member ''BUT'' I can change and I am, and am willing too, and my hubby he knows he isn?t perfect......too tho!!

What I want to ask is does RELATE help (work). Has it for you? Maybe.

I so want to be with him for life, and it?s our 25th Wedding Anniversary in the summer.

Cheers and thanks for reading and answering if you do

Ali

OP posts:
susanann · 22/01/2013 18:06

Hi Ali stresses and strains of life undoubtedly put a strain on relationships. He says his love has lessened, does he really mean he doesnt love you at all? After nearly 25 years together things can become stale, understandably. If you have both had lots to deal with and youve got depression and anxiety then its bound to have an adverse effect on your relationship. However Im pleased you are going to Relate. They will not try to make you stay together, they will help you address your problems and then you can decide where to go from there. I went to relate but it did not save my marriage, however Im sure its worth a try. Some relationships cant be fixed (mine). Was it your idea to go to Relate or hubbies? Do you have children? You both need to be really honest. Good luck Ali x

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/01/2013 18:36

Hmm..did his feelings change suddenly?

Tell us more about your crankiness - is it a recent thing? what sets it off? Has he been picking petty arguments or be critical?

Is he putting all the blame on you or does he accept that he needs to work on himself as well?

Original poster
AmAli · 22/01/2013 21:09

Thanks for the above replies.

My hubby keeps saying to me ??it?s not you it?s me??

He also says his feelings.. (his love for me) ..has changed for me yes, but he still cares and worries about me. I know I can?t put something there if it?s dissipated, but we are in a rut.. (yes become stale in a word, but we still care and I do love him) ..and have been for a while, he does say he knows he is partly to blame about things too!

He has made the whole decision by himself seems this past year (there is no one else involved, I do know that) I don?t wish this to be happening, I do know we need to get out of a rut though!

I get very cranky > no not just recent, no, been a while on and off > because of a certain family member who has Physical and Mental Health problems, which makes me in turn poorly! (I am trying to change this issue, for my own sanity!! :-(

I want to be with him!

Thanks for again for reading and replying, Ali

OP posts:
Original poster
AmAli · 23/01/2013 09:10

Any more replies appreciated Thanks

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/01/2013 09:20

If someone said that to me... their feelings had changed but they still 'cared and worried'... I'd think they saw me as an obligation or a responsibility, rather than a partner. Whether Relate works for you as a couple totally depends on how willing everyone is to communicate, change and so on. Being rather more cynical, I think if someone has to go through a counsellor in order to be able to talk to me or work out if they still like me... I'd rather save them the trouble.

Springdiva · 23/01/2013 09:31

Yes, saying 'It's not you it's me' sort of absolves him from having to do anything and makes it clear that he doesn't want you doing anything about it because he is making out it won't make any difference.

Imv you should get a life. STOP messing about with problem relative, trying to fix someone else is a waste of time. If you have spent years trying to fix things then that's enough and you should take a step back and let them sink or swim before they drag you down with them.

Stop dumping your problems on DH, offloading does make you feel better but its not fair on him. Or perhaps it would be ok of you offloaded about the problem then moved on but they seem endless and insurmountable so stop doing it.

Become an interesting vibrant fun person. Ok not overnight but make some changes to your life so that you are not appearing as a needy person who can't cope with life and you need him to support you. That's not very attractive imv.

Hopefully the Relate counselling will sort some stuff.

Original poster
AmAli · 23/01/2013 11:33

Thank you for the replies again.

I am and have taken a step back from said problem person, it takes time to get there, but I have started and that's what matters.

I am not a ''needy person'', I do my share of life stuff in the home, he doesn't do a great deal in the home also > supporting him to along the way, just to be clear.

YES > the > 'It's not you it's me' phrase doesn't sound great I agree, maybe the counsellor can bring that out more.

I can be a fun person - just we have both had many stresses and still some ongoing happening! He isn't one for going out much!

Thanks again, any more relpies would be appraciated it all helps Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
AmAli · 23/01/2013 11:39

ps CogitoErgoSometimes....
he says he '' Likes me '' (oppss forgot to say above) I know love and like are different!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/01/2013 11:45

I like my cat.... Hmm There is such a thing as being damned with faint praise...

debtherat · 23/01/2013 11:50

Hi

I am about to start relate separately from my OH (he needs to discuss his own issues also with relate), my thread details what has happened "Where does the love go?" He says he isn't happy - the crux of it is that he isn't getting his emotional needs and maybe sexual(?) met by me and we have moved to low level bickering/criticism which has now been blown apart by the EA he has been having (he sees this as a chance for happiness although OW has withdrawn but may be only temporary). I think he does feel a responsibility towards me too - maybe one that goes beyond what is normal for husband and wife. The weird thing is that I am a fairly independent in my other relationships - do lots of things without him including new activities, i work f/t in a professional job, 2 DS and he is the same (not joined at the hip) so I want him to see relate separately to talk through his own needs and issues and bring back those with honesty to me - if he needs to move on it will help me understand that he has done that in a measured and thoughtful way.

I hope that you find it useful - relate that is - but also my perspective - what is happening to both of us is very common.

Original poster
AmAli · 23/01/2013 21:07

Thanks Debs for your reply too Thanks
I will check out your thread thanks for the link, everything helps.
I hope RELATE helps you both! and us too!

Both hubby and I have been getting very cranky the past year with one thing and another.

All replies are appreciated.

Ali

OP posts:
Original poster
AmAli · 24/01/2013 14:26

Any more replies appreciated Thanks

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 24/01/2013 14:56

The reasons why I asked these questions above is because often the reason for someone not being in love with you any more is that he/she has checked out of the marriage emotionally and that they have someone else in the background Sad

There are usually other red flags e,g being distant, critical, possessive with phone and laptop etc.

MadAboutHotChoc · 24/01/2013 15:22

Thank you for the PM - I think you will get more useful replies if you put down what you have just told me, especially since it explains so much why things have become difficult.

Phineyj · 24/01/2013 17:17

We've used Relate twice as a couple, and I got individual advice from them once by email. They are excellent. I've found it's possible to discuss difficult issues much more sensibly with a neutral third party in the room asking the right questions.

Original poster
AmAli · 03/02/2013 19:16

''''I've found it's possible to discuss difficult issues much more sensibly with a neutral third party in the room asking the right questions'''''.

THATS what I am hopeing happens too, thanks all.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 03/02/2013 19:28

AmAli - is there a reason why you are drip feeding on your thread? Confused

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/02/2013 19:30

Please make sure that the counsellor has experience in this particular field.

Also I am able to recommend a couple of books that have helped many on here who have experienced similar this particular issue.

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