It's not him.....it's me!!!???

[coocooboohoo]

I have been married for nearly 3 years. Got a ds who is 18mo.
My issue is that I met my husband in the local pub, we were drinking (drunk!) at the time, this was the pattern throughout our 'courtship'. We drank, we smoked we had a good social life and had lots of great sex. His family all live in the same village which he loves and never wants to move from.
When we decided to have a baby I said one of the stipulations was that he gave up smoking and he did, after quite a bit of whinging, but he did it. Now I am at a place where I know that I have changed. I feel differently about drinking, will have a couple every now and then. My dh still loves a drink and will drink most days (3/4 cans of lager). We only have sex everyone once in a while and it's pretty boring. This is because I now hate my body (especially my belly!!!) so it's generally him on top and over in minutes few! He tries to instigate sex all of the time but I say I'm tired etc!!
I am sure I am not the first woman to ever feel this way. But I know that I nag him (about drinking) and try and stop myself but I hate it!! Whinge that he doesn't want to live anywhere different and isn't willing to try. I knew he liked a drink when we married. I knew he didn't want to move. I knew he liked sex. And now I feel like I have moved the goal posts. Is there anything I can do to change the way I feel? Or is it a downward spiral? Anyone got any experiences?

How old when you met and how long have you been together in total?

Well I'm not so sure if its case of moved goal posts, more different priorities. You've had a child and that changes things. Your dh needs to realise that as a father he has certain responsibilities that are incompatible with his previous lifestyle.

What does he say about it?

Do you at heart think he actually has a drink problem?.

What do you think is more important to him; you and your son or alcohol?.

You sound like you've grown up and he has remained pretty much the same as he was when you first met.

Sounds like both of you didn't really put a lot of thought into the whole marriage/children/life thing and are just staggering through doing whatever feels good at the time. Were you quite young when you met in the pub?

Do you have a life outside the home. Because if your social life takes you out regularly in the evenings then he shouldn't be drinking if he is in charge of DS.

Nor can he do much about your fat tum.

If you could get yourself into a happier lifestyle then he might decide to follow. I doubt nagging will work.

It's not you OP. You have adapted (matured) to the new circumstances and he hasn't. I was guilty of this myself when our DD was born. I've never smoked or drank much but I was very self-centred and didn't see why my lifestyle should change dramatically in any way.

DW nagged me endlessly but I just viewed it as background noise. One thing that did work though. I'd met her (predominantly female) colleagues at work and liked them. One day she mentioned to me - in a non-accusatory way - that she'd told them about something I'd done (not terrible but very thoughtless) and their reaction had basically been, "Oh men - ffs". Learning that some other people (who I respected) actually thought my behaviour was crap actually made me stop and think and realise that it was indeed crap.

That suggests DopamineHit that you didn't respect your DW and thought more of some female friends opinions?!

Learning that some other people (who I respected)

As opposed to your wife, who you didn't respect? What a gem!

Yes - I was crap. Immature and idiotic - not proud of it and not denying it. Just giving an example of something that helped kick me out of my complacency on the off chance it might be useful to the OP.

When I said I respected her colleagues it wasn't meant to imply that I didn't respect her (although reading it back I can see it can be interpreted that way). I did respect her opinion - I just thought she was wrong (she wasn't - I was).

Thing is you knew what he was like when you married him and decided to have a baby and now you are trying to change him

We weren't young at all. We are now 35 and 38! We've been together for 5 years. Thank you Dop.....it's nice to know I'm not the only one. Yes I know I knew it all when a married him. That's why I'm here asking for advice. He does/can go days and days without drink if he's running or cycling etc. So I'm not sure if he has a drink problem?? I think he drinks too much.....but he doesn't see anything wrong. His whole family (except his dad for health reasons) use drink to wind down/socialise.
Oh and I know that my tum isn't his fault was just stating that as a reason for the lack of sex.

Crinkle that's ridiculous! She isn't trying to change him but the simple fact is that parenthood does change you. You become responsible for the health and welfare of a totally helpless human being - that in itself requires a big change in both day to day life & attitude

If alcohol is causing problems he has an alcohol problem. He doesn't have to be an alcoholic or dependent on alcohol for that to happen. He doesn't even have to be an alcohol abuser, habitual drinker or a heavy drinker. But if he can't moderate his drinking to be appropriate to his circumstances - and being in charge of a toddler usually means most people curb their enthusiasm - then he has an alcohol problem.

If you feel that his drinking is coming between him and family life, then he is probably drinking too much. 3 or 4 lagers most days certainly sounds like it, as it's over the recommended limit for a man (no more than 2 pints of 3-4%-strength lager per day, with at least two alcohol-free days per week). He doesn't have to be hiding vodka in the cistern to be drinking too much, and you can define a problem with alcohol as being drinking to the extent that it damages health and relationships.

However, it also sounds like you are bored with your life and still adjusting. Why not get him to stay sober by staying in and looking after your child while you go out and do something just for you. You could also try buying some lingerie that hides your stomach but allows you to enjoy sex by not worrying about what you look like.

I agree Aspiemum2 that becoming a parent should make men grow up but for a lot it doesn't. When you marry someone you need to consider their behaviour and whether you think they will make a suitable father/husband. It's important that a couple discuss the future and what they want out of life then they will know if they are on the same page at least.

OP I am interested to know why you want to move out of the village where his family is? It is obviously something that he feels strongly about and if he is close to them I can understand why he does not want to leave.

You say it's not him, it's you...but it kinda is him. He won't even consider moving away from the village where his parents live, not even a couple of miles down the road?! It sounds like he is tied to the apron strings. Actually it sounds like he is quite immature all round.

Valid point crinkles, it's a sad fact though that a great deal of couples don't have 'the chat' prior to marriage and children. I am just as bad, not that I think it would have made much difference with exdp to be fair. It was only bitter experience that made me be more cautious second time round.