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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

anger management

15 replies

Sleepyk · 21/01/2013 07:36

My husband has a huge issue with controlling his temper. He doesnt do it very often but that is because I avoid saying things that I think might set him off. He has never physically struck me but he will lose his temper over things with no reason for that level of anger but the worse part is he has said he can't remember what he has said when he gets like that...and he says some horrible things which I can't let go of. I have looked online for therapy which he says he is more than willing to go to for the sake of our marriage, but its all £70 + per session and although his salary itself is ok we have a lot of debt which would mean we couldn't afford it. Does anyone know where we go from here?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2013 07:59

Doe she speak to other people the same way as he does to you and lose his temper so easily with them?.

If he does not then he can control his temper, he chooses to lose it with you because he sees you as his emotional punchbag.

Do you have children?. If so they see all this as well, you cannot fully protect them from all of this.

Seemingly too you've been looking online for therapy; what has he done exactly?. It is not down to you alone to fix this, infact if he does see you as his emotional punchbag the best thing you can do for you is to seek legal advice with regards to separation. You cannot fix this and you cannot save or help someone who does not want to be rescued and or saved.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/01/2013 08:16

read this book

Let him hunt for his own therapist: if he is serious about wanting to change, he will. If he is perfectly content with the status quo, he won't.

Imnotaslimjim · 21/01/2013 08:21

If he really needs help with it (and it sounds like he does) then go to the GP, they can help get him referred. MY DH had counselling and anger management through the GP after I left him 7 years ago for the same reasons. He dealt with it and he's much better now

CailinDana · 21/01/2013 08:43

Why are you looking up therapy for him? It's his problem, he should be dealing with it. He should leave in order to protect you from himself until he's dealt with it.

Original poster

Sleepyk · 21/01/2013 09:24

We talked about it last night and he said he had been looking yesterday (unbeknownst to me) but couldn't make head nor tail of all the different jargon/sites etc. He is at work all day to and can't get to a computer till tonight so I said I would look. I would do it willingly just because its the first time in 5 years that he has actually admitted that there is a problem. We do have children and, no he doesnt react with anything like the venom he does with me. I want to fix it as much as he does as I can't keep walking on eggshells and I have told him that....

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/01/2013 09:30

Sleepyk, I understand that you feel that helping him fix his problem fixes something that is a problem for you too. However, I really recommend that you step away from the keyboard and let him do his own searching. He can do it tonight, surely? It doesn't need to be done right this minute.

If YOU search for therapy for him, then YOU become responsible for fixing him, and it places you as a convenient scapegoat when he hits bumps in the therapy road. Can you see that?

It's his behavioural problem, and his own journey to fixing it. Only he can walk this road.

Please step away from what is an individual process, and look to safeguarding your own needs in this relationship.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 21/01/2013 09:31

Have a look at the Bacp to find a therapist - unless you're in Central London it shouldn't be that much.

A lot of therapists also do negotiable fees for those on lower incomes. Some charities also offer low fee therapies.

Where in the country are you - I will see if I can recommend somewhere?

jessjessjess · 21/01/2013 09:53

Go to the doctor - go with him and explain that his anger is a problem. And please call Women's Aid who can advise.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2013 10:14

"We do have children and, no he doesnt react with anything like the venom he does with me"

Why do you think that is?.

You are still not his emotional punchbag nor is it down to you at all to find therapy for him. He said that he couldn't make head nor tail of the websites indeed . He to my mind is not serious about he wanting to fix his various issues.

Also sleep I would carefully think about what all this shouting by him towards you is doing to your children.

Walking on eggshells can be another way of saying living in fear.

arthriticfingers · 21/01/2013 10:18

Sleepyk Please, please read the book recommended by HotDamn and and listen to the advice she and Cailin have given before trying to fix anything. Not having access a computer at work is just another way of passing the buck and not taking responsibility.

Original poster

Sleepyk · 21/01/2013 11:08

I know what everyone is saying and I know that he would look himself it's just that I said I would do it. Clearly that was wrong. Funny though, reading your replies has really upset me as I hate to think of him as a bully or abusive but I suppose that's what it is. I just want him to get better....If he/we can see someone then I know that they will make him face the reality of what he does. We are in Epsom if anyone knows of somewhere he could go....

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/01/2013 11:20

Just because you said you'd do it, doesn't mean you have to. You always have the right to change your mind. About anything, not just in this instance.

Of course you don't want to think of him as abusive or a bully! Totally normal feeling.

He will only get better if he wants to change. It's not a question of going to see someone (you can bring a horse to water...). It's a question of his own, personal, individual motivation. This is why you should not be prompting him in this process: the impulse has to come from him in order to be effective.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/01/2013 11:32

Let's put it this way, then: his current behaviour is bullying/abusive and therefore unacceptable. Whether he is willing and able to unlearn this behaviour remains to be seen.

Snowidea · 21/01/2013 11:58

Am in a similar situation, been escalating last few years we had 'discussion' about ten months ago, I brought him a book, he went to gp, things improved for a while then got progressively worse. Six weeks ago I told him I'd had enough, and I actually meant it. He fell to pieces begged pleaded etc. arranged to go to talk to someone the next day and did. Behaviour changed and its like living with a completely different person. I told him I can no longer be responsible for his happiness, you have to step back and detach as best you can, it's his problem not yours. mines only gone to one session, but I haven't mentioned it, am not chasing him anymore. It's hard, I don't know if I even want to try anymore, the more I detached the more I saw how bad it had been and I struggle to understand how he can be do nice now so easily when we had years of hell. Ignoring it won't make if go away but it is HIS choice to sort it out, your choices are to keep yourself and your children happy and sane.

CailinDana · 21/01/2013 12:36

Snowidea has it exactly right - you absolutely must step back completely and let him deal with this himself. If you get involved you take on some responsibility for it, and you make it easier for him to make out that he can't manage to deal with it, because if you can't sort it then he can't sort it. Thing is, it's not your problem, and it's up to him to deal with it no matter how much effort that takes. If he's giving up already then you know he's not committed. I would strongly advise telling him tonight that you appreciate him wanting to make an effort but you want him to suss out the help he needs himself, and that you won't be helping. It might seem harsh, but his reaction will tell you everything you need to know - if he accepts that he has to do the running then you know he's serious, if he just gives up, or gets annoyed that you won't sort it out, then you know he wasn't intending to really make a proper effort in the first place.

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