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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's predictable ....

29 replies

NewYearNewThinking · 20/01/2013 23:26

I am just so unhappy - this is impacting on my relationship with my DC.

Please don't respond. I'm ok - just having a boo is me moment and wanted to log it somewhere for me to check back in on .....

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Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 20/01/2013 23:37

Actually ....... hold my hand, somebody ... Just for a moment

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WhereAreMyShoes · 20/01/2013 23:46
Sad I hope you're ok. I don't know your story but I'm sure you'll find some answers here.
Footface · 20/01/2013 23:49

What's making you unhappy about the relationship? How long have you felt like thus

Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 20/01/2013 23:52

I'm here. Long and complicated - as these things always are. I've had to name change a few times.

I just wouldn't know where to begin this very moment. I can just see how sad I am and how it's impacting day in - strange but I think having a "dry" january (whereas dh continues to neck alcohol every night) is giving me a clarity I've been avoiding.

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Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 21/01/2013 00:03

Unresolved aftermath after discovery of dhs affair a while back - which is finished but his head is in the sand and I can't shake off everything I learned and read between them and comparing that to how he and I are now.

Everyday my head feels like its going to explode. I have absolutely no one in RL to speak to about this apart from him and he doesn't want to Sad.

I guess I've had a lightbulb moment kind of day - I can't continue taking it out on dc which I've realised is probably what I am doing albeit totally unintentionally.

So tonight I feel very sad -dh is is bed sleeping and I am downstairs and allowing myself a rare opportunity to ball my eyes out.

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Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 21/01/2013 00:05

I'm fed up being a pessimistic down in the dumps girl - I used to laugh once

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Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 21/01/2013 00:14

It's over, isn't it?
I just don't want to be seen as bad mommy if I instigate divorce. I fear (with good reason) words and body language will be used by dh over a period of time to discredit me.
Ultimately my dcs emotional well being is my only concern.

Oh god.

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AlreadyScone · 21/01/2013 00:17

Have a good old blow

FlatsInDagenham · 21/01/2013 00:19

If your DC are being affected by their mother's unhappiness then the separation of their parents is going to protect them, ultimately.

Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 21/01/2013 00:22

Thanks Flats. I know that's probably right - such a big step - cant jump, can I ?

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AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 00:23

hello there

I think you need to confide in someone in RL. Make it real. What is stopping you ?

I have no idea what your previous names have been but i see this pattern happening such a lot on MN.

A poster forgives infidelity when it clear the issues have not been resolved. They cling on to something that no longer exists. They are warned that their cheating partner has not had to feel the full consequences of their actions.

Somewhere down the line that poster finally realises they have shortchanged themselves but still look for reasons to hang on...the dc's are usually the issue of choice.

it won't work, love

You can change your mind any time you like.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 00:24

While that cruel man is sleeping the sleep of the vindicated, you are here crying your tears to strangers.

it's not right.

LemonDrizzled · 21/01/2013 00:32

Ultimately my dcs emotional well being is my only concern

If that is true then the best thing you can do is to show your DC that you will not accept a partner who treats you so badly. He has no respect for you and his primary relationship is with alcohol (or with himself) not with you.

Whether your NSDH speaks ill of you after a split is really irrelevant. You need to talk to your supporters, family or friends, and start making a plan. You can do this! Your children need to see a mother who stands up for herself and them.

Don't put up with this any longer!

AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 00:38

I find it telling that when you remove the crutch of alcohol (not saying you have a problem with it..) then things become clearer

could you say honestly though that you have not been using drinking to blot out some stuff you really should have been dealing with ?

Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 21/01/2013 00:39

But won't it hurt my cd emotionally if dh isn't in day to day life anymore? I read of people on here in far worse situations than me - this is so difficult - should it be?

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AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 00:41

A relationship should enhance your life

He would still be dc's father, simply not in a romantic relationship with you

If you feel you have to maintain a romantic relationship with him to facilitate his contact with his dc, that tells you all you need to know

Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 21/01/2013 00:44

Yes Any it's clear that I have (using as a clutch). I'm not dependent on it - don't crave it - fleetingly thought I might do though - but evidently clear that I'm not if not by the very virtue that I'm not secretly drinking nor bothered whether or not I don't have that glass in my hand - much much prefer a nice cuppa char in my favourite mum mug ;-)

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ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 21/01/2013 00:46

NYNT - everything Any Fucker has already said.

No, your DC will be far more hurt if you stay in this relationship.

Haven't you told anyone in RL about his affair?

Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 21/01/2013 00:50

Chipping. No I haven't been able to tell anyone in RL - no family nearby. Besides - it would make it "real" then - silly, I know!
I'm still dealing with practicalities of getting checked out by gp ... just grim

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AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 00:54

Checked out by GP ? Do you mean getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases ?

Yes that is grim. He did that to you. Now that is very grim indeed.

Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 21/01/2013 00:56

Not saying that he's passed one on to me - just checking one way or another I suppose. Yes he's put me in this position. I hate that.

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AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 01:01

Yes, you should check. Is he getting checked too ?

I think it's terribly wrong that you have no one to talk to about this. He simply wants you to STFU, although I do actually fail to see how the perpetrator of your distress could possibly make you feel better, but that's just me. Some people do seem to get a lot out of being being able to fully thrash out all the details with their cheating partner.

Has he told you to keep it to yourself ? In a "least said, soonest mended" type of approach ?

'cos it ain't working, and never could unless your surname has been changed to Stepford since his infidelity

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 21/01/2013 01:02

So you are putting up with an unfaithful alcoholic because someone convinced you that women need to eat shit in order not to be single, basically.

It's fine to dump a man who isn't enhancing your life. If he considers you, as he obviously does, a domestic appliance there to service his needs then he also considers the children as props to his ego (Look! My willy works!) rather than people.

Piemother · 21/01/2013 01:03

It will make things reall and that will be hard but you are short changing yourself by staying. This is one if those situations that no one but you can change and I truly empathise how impossible that feels right now. I thought there was no way out of my relationship and if there was the journey between then and now seemed so excruciating/impossible too.
It's a pretty shit deal for you if he is fast asleep and you are crying your eyes out.
After an affair you can either get over it and move in or you can't. But if you can't get past it you might meet someone amazing and have a happier life not that you need anyone - you might just have a lovely happy life without nasty deceitful exh - don't deny yourself the chance

Original poster
NewYearNewThinking · 21/01/2013 01:17

Thank you for being here tonight. It has helped me to offload but I'm sorry to burden "strangers" - no offence by that btw.

I'm gonna go to bed now - need to get up for the (doubtful but need to plan for it anyway) school run. Xx

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