One chance to get this right - advice please

[SnotandBothered]

WARNING - LONG AND RAMBLING
POTENTIAL FOR UNINTENTIONAL DRIP FEEDING

Regular and long time poster under a name change

For all the years that I have been on MN, I have never really posted about my own relationship because I don't feel able/ready to deal with it all. It's complicated. I am still not ready to give details but I selfishly hope that I might get good advice regardless.

I have been with DH nearly 20 years - he has a lot of issues. Knowing what I know about his past and the complicated relationship he now has with his family, I had always thought he had 'turned out well, considering'. But of course he hadn't - he had been hiding/avoiding/suppressing the extent of his feelings (through work/drink/head in sand). In the past 5 years (coinciding with birth of our first DD and a dreadful and shocking event relating to his mum), things have escalated, to the point where I think it's fair to say that they are out of control.

DH is angry/aggressive (not physically violent but just keeping a lid on it) and permanently like a coiled spring.

Says the most appalling things

Depressed/tearful

Drinking far too much which obviously fuels the anger

Withdrawn. Has gone from one of the most sociable/loved men I know, to a virtual hermit.

Life is a nightmare of not knowing how he will feel day to day. He is obviously depressed but because the main way this manifests is anger (directed at me), it is becoming increasingly difficult to sympathise. His friends all miss him. I miss him. Our DC are mostly spared but have witnessed behaviour/language/moods/tears that they should not have ever been exposed to. I am resentful that he has allowed this to carry on for five years without seeking help despite me doing everything I can to try to persuade him to seek professional help - begging/withdrawing/shouting/ignoring

He has refused because he says that he can't open the can of worms. He is terrified of what will come out and he says we literally can't 'afford' for him to be out of action. He works very hard and try as I might, my financial contribution wouldn't cover the mortgage - let alone anything else. I have told him that we can cross that bridge (ie. no income if he needs time to get better) but I suspect that whilst it is the truth, it is also a very valid way of avoiding speaking to someone.

It is awful - he is only 39, kind, sensitive, generous, funny, hard working - so many lovely things but they are all being smothered by this black cloud.

Last week, something life-changing happened and he is not coping at all. He has been hardly sleeping at night - pacing around, muttering to himself, getting himself either in a rage or collapsing in tears.

Finally, for the first time EVER he agreed he needed to talk to someone.

I am quietly almost excited by this turn of events.

I don't want to get it wrong.

I know that this someone has to be the right kind of person and I have no idea how to find them. So my very brief question based on a very long and vague prologue, is how do I find that person?

I know that if I manage to get him a long to meet a councellor/therapist (which do I want??) and they just sit there scratching their chin, he will never go back. I have no idea how to begin to find someone dynamic who will be able to deal with all the issues at stake: anger/addiction/bereavement/stress/abuse in a proactive and effective way? I have been reading a bit and wonder of he might benefit from CBT, but in truth, I have no clue where to start.

Any advice gratefully received and thank you if you made it to the end.

Sweetheart, this is not your chance to get it right, it's his.

It's not your responsibility to find him a counsellor, it's his.

It's not your job to read up on what type of therapy would suit his needs, it's his.

Stop focusing on his needs, and pay attention to your own. What do you want out of a relationship? Are you getting it? Can he deliver on what is missing?

He's the one who should be very concerned about not getting it wrong right now, in order not to lose you.

Last week, something life-changing happened and he is not coping at all. He has been hardly sleeping at night - pacing around, muttering to himself, getting himself either in a rage or collapsing in tears.

He needs a doctor, make an appointment ASAP.

You need a counsellor, but doctor comes first.

... Please don't read the above as suggesting any of this is your fault. That's not my intention at all.

You've been suffering a great deal of damage due to his ill- treatment and you need all the support you can find, OP.

He seems to be acutely mentally ill, so he must see a doctor without delay. When he recovers, the rest of the problems can be dealt with, whatever that may entail.

I relate to you, am in a v similar situation with very damaged H who has been through so much in childhood and is scared to delve into the past for fear of what feelings and memories will be unearthed. We are trying to get counselling via our GP, we will see where that gets us.

And it's 'us', we are a unit, we support each other mutually. I think you've had some unhelpful advice above, your H sounds very deeply depressed and in need of urgent help and treatment, piling on more pressure in terms of his 'not getting it wrong' or you'll walk is absolutely not the way I would deal with the situation. I would speak to his GP and go from there - good luck.

My husband has ruined our marriage thanks to a serious incident in his childhood which he claims has only just surfaced in his mind after all these years.

He had an acute episode of anxiety and depression during the summer and since then has embarked on a destructive course of alcoholism, sex with strangers and emotional abuse (of me)

He's currently seeing a psychotherapist whilst he tries to sort himself out. Maybe that's the sort of help your husband needs OP?

We are staying in the same house so that I can support him through these dark times as Frustrated says 'we are a unit' - even though I doubt we will ever return to a happy marriage.

It's very difficult to support your OH when they seem like somebody else. Hope it works out for you all.

In my area there is this list of counsellors that gives a short intro to their special areas of interest and contact details

it would be worth ringing a few perhaps to see if he clicked or had a good vibe over the phone before booking an introductory appointment ?

might be best if he did it though

could there be anything similar in your area ?

Thank you all so much

I am sorry not to have answered sooner - bit of a family drama at the moment but I will check back properly tomorrow and respond.

I am grateful to have some responses to read through.

AF - good practical advice, thank you. I have looked and yes, there is something similar. Of course it's hard to know how 'good' they are based on an online profile that they create themselves, but at least it gives me an idea of their areas of expertise. I just wish there was some way of getting a personal recommendation but how on earth do you do that without prying into people's lives???? No matter, I shall start with the listings I have found, call a few and sound them out a bit.

FrustratedMod - I do consider us a Unit (frankly if I didn't, I would have gone by now). I am not suggesting that the 'one chance to get it right' refers to me 'walking' if he doesn't 'get better'. I am referring to the fact that he is absolutely ant-therapy of any kind whilst I have been trying to persuade him for years. If he attends a session and comes out feeling like it was a waste of time, he is likely to throw the towel in and continue to try (and fail) to 'fix himself'. I know it takes many sessions, but my point was that I was trying to minimise the chances of him walking into the wrong kind of counselling/therapy and be put off for life. Your suggestion of speaking to a GP is good common sense and I will ask - perhaps they can recommend a good starting point. Unsurprisingly he doesn't really have a GP - since we met (and he moved) 20 years ago, he has never considered it necessary to see a doctor - another symptom of refusing to deal with any problems or issues. But I shall talk to my very fab GP and see if she can recommend something.

muddy I am sorry that you don't see any possibility of future happiness with your DH. That must be a very soul destroying feeling. Is there really no hope?

And HotDamn and LadyWordy - thank you for considering my well-being in all of this. I am ok because I have learned to just keep going. I know it's not idea but with DC, a job, a sick mum and all the things we all just deal with every day, you can't really do anything else can you? I do sometimes wonder what everyone would do if I just woke up one day and decided I couldn't get out of bed. Probably eat chocolate for dinner

Thanks again all. I will start with GP and list of local therapists