I am having a bit of a crisis and was wondering what mumsnetters might have to say..
I need to decide whether to stay with my boyfriend in our very happy relationship and risk/accept not having kids or leave him and start afresh at the age of 36...
By way of background (sorry I will try not to make this too long)...we have been together for just over a year but have known each other for years to say hello to. He was married with 2 young daughters but his wife had an affair and he had a very painful divorce (both emotionally and financially). He has been separated for about 18 months and properly divorced for about 4 months. He says he was never madly in love with her but thought she would be a good wife and mum as they were such good friends. Things fell apart between them (unsurprisingly), she had an affair and they got divorced (she also now has another partner).
When we first went out, he had just moved out of the family home and was filing for divorce so he had very little time in between for him to be single. We both would rather he had some more recovery time in between but you can't help when you fall in love.
A year on and he is divorced, we have a wonderful loving relationship, we spent loads of time as a family with his two girls when he has them every other weekend and we pretty much live together and it has been a year of bliss.
In terms of my background, I have split up with 2 long term boyfriends previously over lack of commitment. After the last one, I decided I never wanted to be the woman who has to arm wrestle her boyfriend down the aisle and into the maternity ward and thought I'd either find someone who wanted the same things I did or stay single! I dated for a year before I met my boyfriend and now a year on the same commitment issues have reared their head again! This is partly because I had some fertility tests which came back much worse than I had expected and I have a diminishing ovarian reserve of roughly someone the age of about 39 and the drs have told me I should be trying in the next 6 to 12 months. So naturally the kids conversation has had to be raised.
When we met I asked him straight away if he would get married and have kids as I wanted those things and he said they weren't a priority but it wasn't a definite no never. And six months later when we discussed it again he said he would want them as part of a happy family unit. Now the results have come back and we discussed it once more, he says he has realised his daughters need him more than he realised and can't commit to having a baby with me in 6 months or 12 months.
He says he wants us to work and he doesn't want to lose me. He says it's the best relationship he has ever had and if only he hadn't been married and had his 2 daughters then he would be rushing me up the aisle and have kids. The reason he can't commit to having kids in 12 months is because:
- he thinks this would take away from the time and resource he has for his 2 girls.
- he is worried that emotionally and financially he cannot go through a split again and end up with 2 dependent ex families to see and maintain - he said he would literally jump off a cliff if he had to go through that again.
- he thinks I might change after having kids (his ex wife apparently did a lot)
But he also says he recognises that a lot of his fear probably stems from his recent divorce and is willing to go to counselling to try and change that. He says he wants me to have everything I deserve in life and can't bear the thought of him being responsible for me missing out on that. He also says he has no doubt he wants me in his life and in his children's lives and knows that he won't find anyone else like me. But he is too scared to commit to kids in any timeframe unless counselling magically changes that.
I am busy finding counsellors. In the meantime, the voice in my head that wants children is getting louder and louder. I am so scared of making the wrong decision. I also love spending time with his 2 daughters as we get on so well (they are 4 and 7) and I can see a very happy family life with him and them (he sees them every other weekend). I don't want to lose the man who has otherwise made me so happy and secure. Equally I am aware that I will become resentful if I dont try for children which would kill our relationship and if I split up with him in 5 years and have no boyfriend or rights to see his girls, I could end up with nothing.
Sorry it's such a long post. My next steps are for us both to have counselling but i just wonder how long I have to give it to work? If anyone else has been in this boat I'd be so grateful for advice. On fertility boards you see loads of posts for women with issues whose other halves want kids but very few of those whose other halves don't and I haven't a clue how you make the decision...