One of the worst things about a divorce...

[ImperialBlether]

is the fact you don't have anyone to reminisce with.

It's my son's 21st birthday today and I would love to talk about what happened on that day with someone who was there with me. It's as though all of your memories go along with the relationship.

Has anyone else found this?

Yes it's one of many downsides. I was with my exH for 12 years all together. We didn't have any children so, once he left, I never saw him again. Neither have I seen any of his family with whom I used to be close and a large section of our friends decided they were his friends rather than my friends. My family and remaining friends tactfully don't mention him too often either, so there's a big 12-year chunk of my life that exists purely in photo albums and nowhere else.

Is your exH totally estranged?

Hi Cogito, thanks for responding. I was with him from 17-40 and it was his infidelities rather than not liking him that made me divorce him. It's not the same talking about events to someone who wasn't there - it's those experiences which were only shared by the two of you that make it hard or even pointless to share with someone else. It's the "remember when..." that I miss.

We're on good terms but he gets very edgy if I mention the past - there's a lot of guilt there, both in terms of us splitting up and the (almost certain) embargo that's on him talking to me about anything like that in his new relationship.

I think we've both lost out, to be honest.

Do you know anything of your ex? There's so much of people online - too much in my opinion - but sometimes it can be interesting/useful to read about what someone's up to now.

I know nothing of him except what I've heard very second/third hand via the solitary in-law that kept in touch ... but that was about 10 years ago now so a lot has probably changed. Lost a great swathe of nephews and nieces that I was very fond of (there's another impact of divorce). Occasionally scan the victim list when there's some big tragedy with multiple fatalities but he never even has the decency to show up there

Yes, there's a massive knock on effect, isn't there? Keep checking the lists, though; you never know your luck!

He should be easy to actually find on 192.com though, in terms of where he lives etc. (I can hear Vic Reeves shouting, "You wouldn't let it lie!" right now.)

I know exactly how to track someone down if I want to. I just don't want to. :) He hasn't been part of my life for 18 years, I wasted enough time on the miserable bastard when I was with him and I really don't believe there's any merit in looking back... only forward.

I find it hard that people don't get jokes that I make that I know he would find funny.

And he is the only one near me who was in my old life before I moved to this new town. He knows my life from his own experience. I have to explain it to other people and I don't like that.

Sorry, Cogito, I didn't mean to imply you couldn't track him down if you wanted to! You're right if he was a miserable bastard, there's no point wasting any time thinking about him now.

I know what you mean, puds. It's like losing a brother in a way, in that you experience the same things at the same time.

Although he wasn't the best person in the world, he new me the best. Not that he liked all of it, but he knew it.

He also had very similar opinions to me, which i struggle to find in other people

Don't get me wrong i'm glad he's gone, but I miss not being able to make the jokes.

The flip side of that is being able to take pride in your children and know that you did the most to make them the person they are today.

I am concentrating on making memories for DS and I to share and in some small way take joy in the fact that XH is missing out. His loss.

Imperialblether yes I agree. Am a recent granny, baby is a few days old, there's no one to reminisce with about old times at all and, worse, I can't even think about old memories because the good bits are very closely linked to some absolute crap. Was with mine from/to similar age to you. I have had to mentally bin all the shit, which is basically all of it, so onwards and upwards!

But vole, it's hard to take pleasure in your husband missing out when it means your child misses out, too. It's so difficult.

You're absolutely right, reasonstobecheerful - onwards and upwards. It's just sometimes it gets to me.

But my child is not missing out, he is still making memories.

Yes I am sad when DS tells me about things he's done that I haven't been there for, but I had / have no choice in the matter. As far as I am concerned XH has to suck it up when DS tells him what we've been doing
XH chose to be absent from the majority of DS's life, but that does not mean that we don't do things because its unfair that XH is not there to witness it. You can bet that he gives no regard to me being absent from DS life when he's with him.

When DS is grown I hope he will cherish our time together, the mundane as well as the fun, because it was spent with his Mum who is always there for him.

I wasn't married but I was with ex-boyfriend for 10 years all together from 21 -31. We didn't have children and although we assumed we would be in each others lives as friends, I know we won't really. For a start, it's not fair on our new partners.

It was a very strange relationship, looking back and I finally now (with my new fiance) feel I'm finally with someone who I really love and makes me happy. But there will always be that big chunk of my life and all the memories that we made that no-one will 'get' in the way my ex did.

I suppose in time, the new memories become the old ones iykwim. I appreciate having a child together is on a whole other level though.