I hate myself

[wotamess]

I just hate myself sometimes. I was unhappily married for ten years. My ex was very controlling and had a temper but I behaved badly and this made things even worse for me. My children suffered. His violent outbursts became more frequent and I eventually took him to court for assaulting me, but he wasn't charged. I should have stayed away from men for good but met someone a year later who seemed like Mr Wonderful. He was lovely with my kids and me and I felt like somebody special. (God that sounds pathetic but I did) When he asked me to move in with him it seemed like a good idea, as I had to leave the marital home anyway, there was a court order to sell it. He bought a big house and asked me to put some money in, I didn't have much left but I did, even though my name wasn't on the mortgage. I also bought a lot of electrical items for the house because his old ones broke (I was to blame for this) I also bought a car which I didn't really want but he said I should learn to drive. Can you see where this is heading? I now have no money left at all and all the things he said to me before I moved in like 'I love you' and 'We'll get married are never mentioned anymore. Also, he is very intolerant towards my ds1 and continually puts him down. Apparently I am now unable to parent my children effectively, unable to cook, unable to budget etc etc. He compares my 2 to his own dd unfavourably. Also he never looks at me or makes me feel that I am attractive. He goes out with friends but never seems to want to go out with me. He is also very untidy and does nothing to help me in the house apart from cooking but only because he doesn't like mine. quite a list isn't it? I am feeling depressed and want to get out. I have very little money and don't know how we will manage. I moved my children a fair way to move in with him and I feel wracked with guilt for having to uproot them again. They are now happy and settled in their schools and I have a job which I really enjoy so I want to stay in the area. I had badly wanted us to be a family and it is so sad as all the children get on well and my dd is very attached to his dd. I will feel terrible telling her that we are leaving. Also we have to give up my ds's cat in the new house that I have found for us.My ex thinks I should sort it out for the sake of the kids. I feel like the world's worst Mum.

maybe it's just the way you've phrased things pet, but you sound like you've been letting him treat you like a doormat and put you down constantly. you need to stand your ground love, most men don't want or respect someone who never stands up for themselves and gets walked all over.

whether or not it saves the relationship, you need to learn to stand up for yourself and demand respect.

I can see that yes. Now I have discovered that his name is on the registration documents of my car (even though I paid for it) I was relying on that money to pay back my brother who has lent me money for a deposit on the new place. My name is also on there (second)I don't know anything about cars or how the hell to sell it. I am worried sick about how to get out. I know if I tell him I am moving out, he will try to stop me taking the stuff that I paid for (he says I broke it all) I have no money and I am desperate to go. Can't believe that I've ended up with another control freak.

wotamess, I haven't read anywhere that you still love him ? if you do then it is worth trying to sort out if you don't then I would definately leave, without him knowing and take what stuff you paid for, get your bro to help you. kids are pretty adaptable so don't worry about them, if you are happy they will be happy

do you have proof you paid for the car? dp and i have the same arrangment on our car (although unlikely to cause probs) and although his name is on the registration the receipts from the garage are in my name. even if you don't the fact that your name is there second gives you some leeway, if he really causes probs for you you could try bringing him to court over it, even the threat of that might be enough to force him to concede.

cheltenhamgal makes a good point, if you reallly don't love him (and it doesn't sound like you do) get your brother to help you take your stuff when he's at work or something and just leave. your kids will be happier if their mother is happy, it certainly doesn't sound like he's being a good father figure to them.

I feel confused. I have painted a black picture of him. He is not a bad man, it's just that we have so little in common. Our values are completely different. for instance, we were planning what to do with the huge garden and I asked if a bit of it could be just for the kids to play ball in, but he refused, saying that they would kill all the plants. He just doesn't put children first, he thinks that as he works hard he deserves all the treats, the kids only get treats when I spend the money on it (my kids anyway he just bought his dd a new bike but he resented helping me with my dd's playscheme fees.) I am still physically attracted to him, so it's hard for me. He never says he loves me. Every time I keep on telling him and he doesn't say it back, it makes me feel worse and worse. He was in love with somebody a couple of years ago, they got engaged but she left him. He said that she was his soulmate and after that he can never give himself to anyone again. His ex wife 'screwed him to the ground' apparently, he just has this attitude that women take all your money. The girl he loved didn't take anything. maybe she was trying to tell him something. He is an accountant and knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing imo. I think I did love him but since I've found out more, I just feel extremely sad and wretched. It's the children I really feel sorry for. I am very fond of his dd too and feel like I am going to break everything up and upset them, when they all need a loving home. Thanks so much everyone, this is helping me so much, because I can't talk to anyone. X:)

sounds just like mine soon to be ex, he is very selfish yet totally unaware of his selfishness. i also gave a sizeable sum to my p and not on mortgage, to save his business, he swears he will give me it back now were splitting, but still leaves me in a highly vulnerable state.

wotamess get your head out of thinking that youre a bad mother, you are not, read your posts and see how much you mention them its crystal clear how much you love them. feel free to CAT me we are going through v similar things

Sorry to hear your dilemma . I can fully relate to the situation your are in .Its not just you you have to consider its the kids, especially you rown. You are not a bad mum and you should not hate yourself. You sound like me in relationships. Its such a big step to leave but at the end of the day maybe you will be happier. Sounds like your dp needs a wake up call ! Best of luck with you decision.