Mediation: is this what happens...?

[Ineedahug]

My H and I separated in November, he now wants a divorce (Im still reeling from his infidelity and he knows this and so is probably try to strike whilst Im weak). He wants it done quickly and cheaply (!) and has offered a 50:50 split but is prepared to wait for some of money, but anymore than 50:50 and he says he wants his money now. For various reasons my solicitor has said 60:40 is fairer and suggested we go to mediation. My question is: what actually happens in mediation? Is it like this-

H:"Ill give you 50:50"
me: "I dont think that's fair. I think 60:40 is fair because..."
H:"Well if you dont give me 50:50 I will force you to sell house now to release my money"
Mediator:"I suggest that what X says is reasonable given your circumstances and would suggest you both agree" OR
"I think 60:40 is too high and 50:50 too low, how about 55:45 but H waits for his money?"
H: "Deal"
me:"Deal"

I guess I want to know if the mediator actually offers an opinion as to what is fair from a legal perspective, given all the facts? Or do they just sit there making sure we dont kill each other?!!

Mediators merely facilitate the conversation while you argue the toss. Lawyers argue the toss on your behalf.

Do you have dc? If so, how old are theY?

Hi i'm currently having mediation and for the financial matters they look at it how a court would.
You both have to do full financial disclosure so wage slips , bank statements , tax returns , any other stuff pensions, savings any joint debts , value of cars , property etc.
They also see how much each party could get on a mortgage to see who should get the bigger share .
when all that's organised it's sent to your solicitor to put it all together in a legal package.
That's where i'm headed tomorrow to get the last bit done with so i can tell you exactly how its worked out if you like .

Oh and also it's worked out with any children in mind too so i have 3 earn a lot less than him and they live with me full time so i'm expected to get the bigger share , althouh how much bigger is not yet known !

Hmm sort of. They can't advise you individually but they help you work through the sums while suggesting various options and advising how the court would view it. Ours was very much "in control" and led the sessions, and asked ex to stop being an arse in one session (or words to that effect).

The first thing is you both provide all the information you have on assets, pensions, savings etc (ie full financial disclosure). You nay have already both prepared this anyway but mediator will need to see it. You then start listing everything down (our mediator used flipcharts) "in rough" to see what it looks like. You will have one column and he will have another and they have to balance out (given any discrepancy in earning power + thus ability to pay a mortgage) so that the children, and then yourselves (in that order, childrens needs come first) are able to be housed adequately. Things like being able to afford to buy in same area so kids don't have to change schools are taken into account. It may be that in order for you to both afford housing you have to sell marital home, that just depends on your overall circs.

Once you have all this down you start to trade off, and the mediator may suggest things like a mesher order if you need a greater portion of equity to house children.

My ex wanted to settle 50:50 but by using a mediator we got to 60:40 quite quickly because she wad able to demonstrate I would not be able to purchase a house without it (we sold mat home) on my earnings. He had to take less because he could raise a bigger mortgage on his earnings. It was quite simple really in the end. Unless you are loaded you cover the basic needs usually and that's that.

Also meant to add, ex was unable to argue "it wasn't fair" when presented with the figures because when 3 people are sitting in a room looking at the same sums, and can all do basic addition, its pretty ruddy obvious.

He did try to anyway but ran out of steam pretty quickly!

That all sounds good, thanks. My circs sound very similar to yours Hatpin - much lower earning capacity and ability to pay mortgage etc (and "arse" of an ExH!!!) so that seems quite reassuring. The mediator sounds quite proactive then, which is exactly what I want and need to prevent me getting bullied into something unfair whilst Im weak.