How do you get over something you can't fix?

[Ashamedofoneself]

Had a blast from the past recently and its brought up some memories that just make me cringe in an embarassing way. You know when you just want to kick yourself? over and over and shake your head in disbelief at your actions.
I just seem to be obsessing at the moment at my ignorance. When I mess up I hold my hands up and say yep it was me and take the consequences...then take the lesson learned and get over it and move on and make up for it. In this case I couldn't/wouldn't put things right...who knows but its unfinished business that really isn't my place to finish but I can't seem to forget about it.

I'm just telling myself at the moment that I will gradually forget about it and that you can't fix everything in life. But part of me is wondering if its bothering me so much as theres something wrong. You know when you get those emotional flags raised alerting you that all is not right but I can't quite put my finger on it.

As this probably makes no sense at all I've had a name change, spare the embarassment and all that.
If anyone does get what I mean and they have any advice then please share

what is it exactly?

depending on the case, I would say that if you still can change a bit of the outcome maybe talk to the people involved. If this is not the case, pour all your feelings in paper and then organise a little ceremony to let those feeligs go, i.e. make a little paper boat and drop it on a river or make a miniature bonfire, then, everytime you start to think about try to think of another thing that makes you happy.

I'm intrigued now... now that you have changed your name, would you feel better to talk it through?

Chandra, BRILLIANT advice!

I listen to some music to put it in perspective. Go for a walk.

I'm not one to talk. A bunch of stuff went pear-shaped for me a few years back, so I bolted. But that was before kids. I was single and fairly young. So distance worked and was good.

But Chandra's suggestions are better.

Its kids stuff really, which makes all the more embarassing to be obsessing about it.
Me and dh met when I was 16 him 21. He had a job were he worked round the country so seeing him was difficult. When we met he had loads of mates and was the bubbly outgoing type of guy and I loved that about him.
This is the embarassing bit. We'd been together a few months and when he was a way I would visit his parents for a meal one day a week. On one of these visits I asked to borrow one of his video tapes; Ace Ventura of all things. Anyway his mother said one of his friends has it, she'll ring and ask if he could bring back. I felt a little uncomfortable but she was on the phone within minutes of me asking. Anyway went round the next week as dh was still away and his mother was kicking off because this friend hadn't brought the tape round yet and had apparently rang him through the week and went off completely with him.

I went out a night or two later saw the said friend and a few others and one particular mouthy moo went off at me accussing me of splitting dh and them all up. I can't quite remember what I said but I know I gave as good as I got.

Before this dh had been droping his friends more than what I thought was normal when we started going out. We'd had words over it as coming between friends is one thing I never EVER wanted to do. Friendships are very important to me. I'm a sociable type of person I love meeting new people making friendships, you can never have enough friends in my book.

Well after the silly video tape incident dh never saw his friends again as far as I'm aware. Not even inviting any to our wedding apart from a couple of school and college chums. I always asked why and he always said he'd outgrown them. These were good people that he was close to...which confuses me more.
Now I'm older and wiser I wouldn't of stayed with dh let alone married him without him explaining to me properly what happened for someone to just cut all ties over a relationship that was not guaranteed or was still in early days is inconceivable. I'm embarassed that he did that I'm embarassed that I was the reason or as far as I know it is. What type of person drops close friends like that over someone they barely know. I wouldn't or would never do it.

Anyway since then dh has never really had any mates the odd one that has come and gone and its been 10 years now and I wonder why. He was so bubbly when we met, he had this persona that I fell for hook line and sinker but it wasn't real and I was too young and naive to realise. Everything I fell for was a lie and its affected everything. His job was traveling I've never steped foot out of the country, he comes up with every excuse under the book why we can't go places. He was so bubbly and outgoing, he's rude and unsociable, he was so good with kids the patience of a saint his mother would say. He has no patience he doesn't like ours to have toys out as they clutte the place and he's rough and loud. But you see I don't know if thats just my perception of him. We argue alot as I won't put up with alot of his rubbish somethings yes but others no. Picking the battles and all that.

Suppose I better get to the point. I found out by chance that this particular friend who had argued with dh mother was now in a band and was playing easter monday at pub not to far away. I told dh and suggested going down so we did and met this friend and had a natter and all the rest. I had hoped that things would be resolved not all i n one go but over time..who knows anyways. Maybe I'm controling I don't know. Anyway dh talked about himself all night did his usual rude pretending to fall asleep so we could go which always mortifys me. I found out that the friend had lost his mother the same year he and dh had lost touch but before we had got together and dh didn't remember. The friend said I'm sure we would of talked about that mate you know between pints along the lines of my mums died and stuff and dh just shook his head and said he didn't remember. The friend hasn't got in touch since though it was only monday just gone but I don't believe he will. I'm embarased and mortified that dh would be this way to people.
I think its absolutely awful how dh treated friend and friends and I so want to apologise and put things back to how they were but I don't think its really my place and though the friend tolerated me being there I could tell he wasn't overly pleased to see me again, dh didn't want me to leave as he'd have no one to talk to while friend was on stage.

I can't stop thinking about it all now and I so regret marrying someone who is so unsociable when thats a big part of my life. Regret is a strong word I love him to pieces weve been through allsorts and come through the other end. The sex is really good and I can be myself with him.

Well thats just taken me ages to type if you've made it this far and have an inkling of what I'm going on about, well done and hope I haven't confused you to much. I'm not sure if this is something I'm wanting to get off my chest or would like advice about or anothers opinion or something.

Ashamed, it seems to me that the incident of the video may have been the last straw of an already strained relationship, besides it was not you who chased the video on a probably not nice form but his mother, and...tbh a person who can have a go at another one for an stupid video (an Ace Ventura one!) doesn't deserve you feel that bad for such a long time afterwards...

I think that you have to realise that you are not responsible for your DH's behaviour, he has chosen to become this way, is not as if you have forbidden him seeing his friends, is it?

So, in a lighter tone, now that you have written all down, print it out, find an ace ventura video and burn them down. And convince yourself that the fall out with the friends have nothing to do with you, if the friendship had been that good it had survived far more than that.

Thanks and thanks for reading through, sounds like a good idea the printing out and burning with a copy of the video, I might actually do that.

I'm just so sad and dissapointed that he's the way he is. I don't know whether to just ignore his behaviour and invite him anyway to places or to just leave the miserable git at home. I've tried both and neither work really so am flumoxed. Just feel dissapointed and let down but not sure whether by him or myself.

Hmm, I don't quite agree with Chandra. I think that at the heart of this is quite a big issue; Dh's treatment of other people and the maintenance of his relationship and how he seems to retreat from people. Also, that you are questioning your marriage, wondering perhaps what happened to the man you married. You're going through an assessing period and I think that's healthy, weighing up a relationship, wondering how it can be improved.

As for dh falling out with his friends, well you had a little part to play in having an argument in one of them (and I know you didn't start it). Your dh might be the type of person who finds it easier to cut off ties with someone after conflict than to resolve it. Maybe he felt he needed to be loyal to you and that because of this, he had to cut off his friends (I mean in his head he thought this was the best solution, although in reality it probably could have been resolved). Groups of young men at that age are very possessive of eachother when one is spending more time with a girlfriend.

You do sound rather judgmental of your dh though. As I said, he probably cut himself of out of misguided loyalty and good intentions. I think you should clear the air about this by talking to him about it and also talking to him about his general lack of socialsing and his disinterest in life compared to how he used to be. It is this withdrawn attitude of his that is most worrying you, and you definitely need to address it if he's acting that way towards your children.

I know I'm judgemental of him but its out of frustration. He does things that I just don't get and so don't agree with. For example he's taken up a couple of sports he used to play and enjoy, which I'm 100% behind and supporting except tonight. He works varied shifts and he took these sports on realising that he wouldn't beable to make all practices and games. He came home tonight after finding out his shifts for next week and has said he's ringing in sick for work as he can't get anyone to swap so he can go to practice. I told him this makes me nervous as whats he going to do? ring in sick for every practice he's working and can't swap and as its two different sports that may add up to alot of days. I've said that if the job is going to make things difficult and if he's that determined not to miss these things as they are so important to him then why not find a job that has more stable hours. he gets a small bonus in august so has said thats no good. Now I feel like a parent but as his is the main income into the house I feel I have a right to be concerned. I've talked to him my concerns previously but nothing changes and I don't know think these are stong enough reasons to leave someone over as we do have a good relationship, I'm sure we do.
MAybe I'm just being judgemental and should keep stum for once and just let him get on with it. But were do you draw the line?

I didn't mean that it's really bad that you sound judgmental, I just mean it came across that you're having some doubts and thinking about your relationship. I wouldn't even think about drawing any line or thinking about leaving him until you've tried calmly and gently explaining your concerns to your dh and seen what his response is. You've got to talk about his attitude. Phoning in sick for work to go and do something social is a bit of a worry, but I think it shows he desparately needs something fun and social and just for him in his life at the moment. But he needs to find a better way of getting that without risking his job!

sorry, just reread your post and seen that you have tried speaking to him about your concerns before. Maybe the time has come to discuss them in therapy? Or at least tell him your concerns are still there and really need to be sorted out?

Have been together 10 years been in counselling 3 times we both said that if we had to go back a fourth it was time to call it a DAY. I've spoken to him and emphasised but its just the way he is and I can't accept it as to do so means settling for a life that would make me miserable.
I just keep thinking there must be something I can do different as then he would react different.

Do I keep stum and let him got on with it (his life is his own generally, but when he does something that affects the both of us its then that I pipe up..maybe I pipe up too much)?
Do I find a new way of communicating?
How do you make someone happy? How do you help them to be happy?
If I bring this up again then its just going to add to him being a miserable git?
Maybe were just not right for each other?
He's a funny Beggar, I just can't work him out. He doesn't tick like normal people but then whats normal and who am I to speak, I'm certainly not perfect.

Ashamed - honestly, i can find nothing in any of these posts that makes me think you have anyhting to be ashamed of! And i also think that the video incident is just the 'bookmark' for you relaising that your DH is quite a complex character, and actually v difficult to live with.

You don't nee to be ashamed to admit that he is difficult to live with, and it must be hard to come to terms with. tbh, I think HE is responsible for his own happiness, and you for yours. Could you develop freindships of your own and find a way to socailise so that you are not always trying to cajole him to behave 'properley' when out with you?
Could you develop freindships with other women - mums - who would be prepared to go away with you and the kids? Lots of mothers have more hol time available, during school hols etc, than their partners have hol time - and I bet lots of single parents would welcome the chance for a joint w/e or hol outing?

My Dad can be odd and anti-social with people, he is simply odd, sometimes and doesn't conform to usual social conventions. my Mum does have great times with him - they visit galleries etc together, but she has also done lots independently. We went away often just with Mum or wih other families and not Dad.

Thanks, I do have independant friendships and they are brilliant, I love to be out and about with people when possible it's just that I feel single but obviously not if that makes sense. I'm always the odd one out as dh rarely does come with me so everyone is normally in couples when he does come I wish he hadn't bothered as its plain he just doesn't want to be there. He rarely socialises with my family my friends. These people are important to me and he's missing out on knowing me better as he just see's me at home with the kids or at the computer due to work. We talk about anything and everything at home and we do go out together...after so much counselling we know that we have to make time for each other. Its important to me that he's part of my life and he's not it feels quite hurtful that he isn't. His family is important to him and he expects me to make an effort and I love to and have a good relationship with his parents (though we do clash from time to time and its always me who has said sorry to keep the peace), his aunty and uncle relatives far afield. He promises to make an effort but never does, I've talked to him about it until I'm blue in the face said all that I've said here but there's no difference, which feels even crueler.

I'd rather he just cut the codswallop(no offence cod) and just say look I just plainly don't want to rather than raising my hopes to no avail.

I'm ashamed because I'm in a one sided relationship. I'm ashamed that I don't leave. I'm ashamed that he doesn't want to be in my life the way I need a partner to be. I'm ashamed that I don't do anything about it. I'm ashamed that I've worked hard at a relationship for 10 years and I'm still not happy. I'm ashamed because I love this man when everything tells me I shouldn't. I'm ashamed because this could all be in my head and I'm just being a drama queen. I'm ashamed that pehaps I'm being unrealistic. I'm ashamed because I want to cut my nose off to spite my face and refuse to visit his family until he makes an effort with mine.

No need to feelashamed of yourself. I think that if you have been into that difficult situation for quite a long time even simple things ARE overwhelming, not because what they are but because of the amount of times they have happened.

If you have done so much to change the situation, and he remains the same, you can do either of two things:
-Accept him the way he is and stop tormenting yourself about his behaviour.
-Accept that you are not compatible and move on.

Obviously, neither of these options is an easy one. But you have to think of your own hapiness too and while his behaviour is affecting you this much, you are not going to be happy. Sorry :(

Probably some counseling will help, even if it is to help you sort your fears before deciding the next step.

Hugs and... go and burn that tape!!!