Feeling sad about what we had and what we now have :-(

[FeelingDownNFedUp]

When DP and I first got together it was amazing, we thought about each other 24/7 - sent each other constant texts full of compliments and sweet comments. We'd go out on dates and REALLY look forward to them. We'd hold hands, make excuses to stay out later and we'd talk for hours about anything and everything.

I really thought he was 'the one'. We had such an amazing time together.

Now it's a bit shit :-(

We barely text and when we do it's nothing like it used to be. Normally straight to the point texts. No compliments, no romance. We make plans to go out, normally on a friday but when it comes to it, neither of us can be arsed. What's the point when once the drinks starts flowing the tongues become loose and words get exchanged that simply upset one another.

We used to have all these plans for the future, we were going to get a house together and live happily ever after. We'd discuss this on the banks of the river, holding hands watching the cars drive over the bridge - now it's something we never even bring up. It's a sour subject. He went back on all that - decided he wasn't ready for it and so now we just mope along, going nowhere really.

From my work window I can see the power plant he used to drive me past at 3am bringing me home from his house where we'd spent the evening/night hugging, talking and laughing. It makes me want to cry.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm mourning a relationship that isn't actually over - it's just not the same. Sometimes I think the relationship we had finished for him a long time ago, he just neglected to tell me.

I just don't know what to do.

Sounds like its over xx
Big hugs xx

oh you poor thing, you sound so down.

have you told him the extent of how youre feeling?

do you know why you are still hanging in there?

it sounds like you guys had an amazing honeymoon period but now that's over you've come back down to earth with a bump and he's not all you thought he was. i'm sorry. sometimes it is better (for your self-esteem) not to keep flogging a dead horse.

How long have you been together? How long has it been shit?

I just don't know what went wrong or when it started going wrong.

He was just so amazing at first, funny, kind, generous, fun, energetic - but he just seemed to change over night really. Maybe it's just that I've got to know him more, I now know the real him rather than the prince charming I knew in the beginning.

I've tried to talk to him. I said to him things are not like they used to be and he agreed but said it was unrealistic to expect things to stay as intense as they were. That's true - but why does it now seem like he doesn't give a shit at all?

I don't know why I'm still hanging on to it because deep down I know he doesn't love me. Probably never did - it was all just a novelty. He'd been single for 2 years and it was good to have someone to talk to, hug, laugh with, sleep with and generally have a good time with. Then it started to get a bit serious for him and emotionally, he backed right off. He tried to hide it but it's obvious.

Yeah he'll come around, he'll do anything for me, he'll do anything for my kids and he still treats me really well when we're together. But try talking to him or worse - give him a drink and the truth comes out. He's just not that into me. I really wish I didn't love the stupid bastard.

It seems to me that relationships move through levels as they develop. When you're really compatible, the closeness deepens and develops so that when the 'intense' phase wears off it doesn't matter much because you've got a real connection. Sounds like that connection isn't there for you two, and if it didn't form during the first few months, for whatever reason - was he (doesnt spund like it was you) holding back from getting deeply involved? - then it's an empty shell. Hard if you're the one who loves more, but best in the long run to break away I think. I had to do that once, it's not easy, but better than investing in something that doesn't fulfil you.

Spund?? Sound!

In these situations 'love' is a bit of an irrational red-herring. To paraphrase the cartoon series 'Love Isn't....... hanging on to an offensive drunk just because they're nice to your kids occasionally'.

I know its hard to finish something with.someone you love, but if he doesn't love you back, its better to finish now and have some dates and the butterflies will be back!

What sort of things are coming out when he drinks, what does he actually say?

Did he used to drink around you and not become unpleasant?

OP - this is how my relationship was - I let it drag on for years and have only just ended it - wish I'd done it a very long time ago and not wasted so much of my precious life on something/someone who just got worse and worse.

Ending such a relationship is difficult because its a habit/you don't want to be alone/the future is uncertain/he was nice to your kids etc - but its not that difficult.

I feel a bit sad/annoyed with him and myself (for being so dense for so long). But I'm generally okay and I know that in a few months time I'm going to feel absolutely fine

Dump him and don't look back. Your life can be so much better.

Maybe it's just that I've got to know him more, I now know the real him rather than the prince charming I knew in the beginning.. 'Fraid you're right.

The more perfect Prince Charming performance you get, the more likely you are looking at a fake anyway.

But even in the best relationships, once you are past that idealisation phase, if you don't care deeply for the real person you have... then it's not real.