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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anxious at the thought of leaving DD

46 replies

GanglyGiraffe · 20/01/2013 00:35

DD is 12 weeks old, not yet 3 months. So far I have only left her twice, once for 20mins while I popped to the shops and another for an hour while at the gym. Both these times I have left her at home with DP.

I am starting to feel under increasing pressure to leave her with other people. She is ebf and I have just started expressing and DP has given her the odd bottle. Since this MIL is desperate for me to leave me with her and other in-laws have been making comments about me 'not trusting' anyone with DD.

The problem is just the thought of leaving her makes me feel sick to my stomach and I can feel my heart in my throat. I'm not enjoying these feelings and I don't know how to cope with them.

I never thought I would feel this way about having others look after DD, I thought I'd happily leave her and I'm very lucky to have lots of family more than willing.

Not sure why I'm posting or what I want anyone to say. I just feel awful Sad

OP posts:
facebookaddictno9 · 20/01/2013 00:37

Ignore them - completely.

facebookaddictno9 · 20/01/2013 00:38

I won't leave mine til they are weaned onto solids - sod expressing makes my boob.s. sore.

Clary · 20/01/2013 00:38

You don't need to leave your lovely snuggly baby with anyone when she is this young, not if you don't want to!

It's lovely to have lots of family who are keen, but I think you are quite within your rights to say (in a laughing at yourself way if you like) "gosh aren't I silly, I just want to be with her as much as I can and enjoy her while she is so little." Maybe suggest to rellies a meet up or you all stay over at MiLs or whatever?

BertieBotts · 20/01/2013 00:39

12 weeks is tiny! Don't worry about it. You'll feel ready soon enough.

I think I left DS for a few hours at about 4 months with my sister for the first time ever, probably would have done 20 mins/an hour in the day occasionally if XP hadn't been a twat about it.

It's not about trust it's just about what feels right for you. Ignore what others say and enjoy your baby - remember you don't have to leave her with anyone until you feel ready.

drinkyourmilk · 20/01/2013 00:40

Ignore them. She's not a doll.
If you aren't ready then don't leave her. Simple

ElectricSheep · 20/01/2013 00:41

Listen here Gangly - your DD, your rules.

YOur baby is 12 weeks old ffs. I didn't leave my DS until he was 4 YEARS old.

It is instinct that makes you feel so sick at the thought of leaving such a little baby - cos little babies need their mums not interfering old bags of MIL

Stop torturing yourself and say thanks but I'm not ready to leave my baby yet.

Original poster
GanglyGiraffe · 20/01/2013 00:46

Thank you all so much. You've got me in tears, I'm pathetic.

I'm really glad to know I'm not a complete freak.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 20/01/2013 00:50

Don't let anyone guilt you into it with 'trust' arguments. You may well trust them completely, and still not be ready to do it. Really annoys me, this one: why do so many people demand to have little babies in the absence of the parents?

Original poster
GanglyGiraffe · 20/01/2013 01:02

I tried to explain it's not about trust (I know MIL is more than capable) but they don't seem to understand, hence why I thought it must just be me.

I love her so much and the feeling is quite over-whelming. I just wish they would stop pressuring me and making me feel guilty.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 20/01/2013 01:15

Any reason given why MIL can't have a nice time seeing DD with you there?

Original poster
GanglyGiraffe · 20/01/2013 01:19

No. She just wants me to leave her, no idea why.
I need to give myself a break and SIL works in a nursery don't you know Hmm

OP posts:
exexpat · 20/01/2013 01:21

I think DS was over 12 months when I first left him with anyone other than DH - EBF, bottle refuser, no childcare or nearby family, but I don't think I would have wanted to leave him with anyone else until at least 6 or 7 months anyway. At 3 months you are still the absolute centre of their world, and there is no reason at all for anyone to demand their 'turn'. Seeing her with you there should be plenty.

EldritchCleavage · 20/01/2013 01:25

It may just be time to stop reasoning with them and just say, 'Look, I'm not doing it yet, please stop bringing it up'. Or better, get your DH to do it, since it's his family doing the asking. How does your DH see it?

Original poster
GanglyGiraffe · 20/01/2013 01:32

He knows that I don't want to leave her, but I don't think he realises just how stressed out I'm getting. I wish he would speak up for me, but he doesn't.

I'll talk to him about it tomorrow.

OP posts:
custardismyhamster · 20/01/2013 01:35

Could MIL come round and 'babysit' DD whilst you have a lovely long bath? Wink

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 20/01/2013 01:35

Your baby, your rules. It's OK to be rude to people who are not accepting a polite refusal.

I used to leave DS with my parents and/or friends when he was little, but everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with parenting the way you see fit.

recall · 20/01/2013 01:43

She isn't a doll to be played with, why do they want you to leave her with them ? I'd say that is the more odd behaviour. I wouldn't have left mine with anyone when they were that young - no need.

If you aren't comfortable leaving her, go with your instincts, and don't do it.

FuriousRox · 20/01/2013 02:01

What is it with these people who try to wrestle babies away from their mothers at such a young age?? Don't feel guilty, op, feel irritated and let it show a bit! Time will come when all the offers to babysit will be gratefully received, but it's for you to say when that is. "please stop pressuring me. Nothing you say will make me change my mind - I am not ready to leave my baby yet."

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 20/01/2013 05:10

I dont get it with these people, dont worry gangly, totally normal to not want to leave your baby at such a young age.

I didnt leave dd until she was two Blush , really, I didnt want to or have the need to.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 20/01/2013 05:12

leave dd with anyone until she was two

sleepywombat · 20/01/2013 05:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wereonourway · 20/01/2013 08:29

I'm currently having a bit if a battle with ex over access and in a letter to my solicitor ex(and his mum) said I was "far too over protective of newborn ds" and I wouldn't let ex take ds to see his family.

It absolutely broke my heart. My ds was prem, struggled to breathe, suffered horrific bruising and suffered from prolonged jaundice.

I couldn't hold him for the first five days and even when I could it was for a minute at a time so he could continue double phototherapy.

Even If ds had been perfectly healthy I wouldn't have had him out visiting!
Sod them all, stay strong. You absolutely do not have to cave in to their demands, like you and lots of others I didn't have ds to pass off to others.

You are doing nothing wrong at all. New babies are exciting and families do want to be involved, I understand that but they do not have the right to dictate when you should or shouldn't leave them.

Keep your chin up, do not let this bunch bully you or listen to their digs and most of all enjoy this precious time!

xcharlotte1990x · 20/01/2013 08:29

Just ignore them, I sometimes get the same comments, my lea Is nearly 7 months old and I have only left him once, in which he just cried until I came back, in still breast feeding too,
You have plenty of time to leave him with others.
Sometimes ill just agree and say yeah I jut can't stand the thought of him being away from me, better then some mind who dump there children at the drop of hat, normal shuts them up Grin
Xxx

xcharlotte1990x · 20/01/2013 08:29

My ds not lea lol
Xx

Iggly · 20/01/2013 08:32

Patronise them right back. Say "you probably can't remember what it's like to have a tiny baby, but..." I say this as someone with two DC - youngest is only 1, but some of it does fade! I didn't want mine out of my site for a long time but looking back now, I forget how strong that feeling was.

They mean well but are being idiots about it.