If your sex life went AWOL when you had young DCs, talk to me about getting it back - please.

[Searchingformysexlife]

Regular poster under a name change here. Been thinking about posting this for a while...

DH and I used to have a fab sex life. Quite adventurous, lots of it etc.

Ever since we have had the DCs things have been hit and miss. None of our kids have slept well, and I've been either pregnant or breastfeeding ever since we got married 5.5 years ago - my choice, I am not kept barefoot in the kitchen :)
We go through phases of having sex and then not, and each time I find it harder to, I don't know, get my head around the idea.

I love DH, he loves me, but we've been through some tough times financially and with jobs etc over the last couple of years. I suppose this could have contributed, but things are on the up and have been for a while so in theory it shouldn't be an issue any longer.

I want to want to have sex with him. There isn't anyone else I want to have sex with, I just don't seem to want it at all.
I feel like we have slipped into being friends rather than lovers - we have, there is no feel like about it. And this depresses me, because I want him to be my lover again.

There is no lack of interest on his part, and he doesn't pester me at all - just reminds me gently from time to time that when I'm ready he is there.

But I have lost all my sexual confidence, I don't feel like I could walk up to him and snog him. The last time he tried to kiss me properly I got a fit of the giggles and the moment was lost.

God this all sounds so pathetic writing it down :(

He is out tonight, and there is part of me that wants to be waiting in bed with some sexy underwear on when he gets home. But I know I won't and I feel sad that I've lost that part of myself. I have always loved sex, and kissing and everything and always had a high sex drive. But not any more.

So - does anyone have any advice, comfort, reassurance?

Bump..

You probably need to rebuild the intimacy in other ways, with no pressure for sex. It sounds like he doesn't want to hurry you which is good?

How about instead of waiting in bed with some lingerie (too much pressure) you could run him a nice bath or put some candles around the bedroom ready to give him a massage or something when he gets back? Look up some tips online so you feel confident or something? Not with the expectation of sex, just to get you back into that idea of intimate touching. Or something way more low key like having a cup of coffee ready for him so that you can sit down and talk about his night before going to bed (if he's not due in too late) or plan a nice breakfast in bed for him tomorrow. Just little gestures that let him know you're thinking of him and help you reconnect. Don't leap straight to sex (IMO) because that's too scary - the giggles response is nerves more than anything.

Do you ever get a chance to go on "dates"?

None of our kids have slept well, and I've been either pregnant or breastfeeding ever since we got married 5.5 years ago

Ditto. And my empathy and then some! The intentions are there but, when and how? I'd like to think its like riding a bike and we will get back on it.

cereal - yes, that is my hope too! I've just had a little sob at not being the only one to feel like this.

Bertie - we have recently been out a couple of times without the DCs. DC2 has only in the last 2-3 months got to the point where they will settle for the evening without a boob.

When we go out just the two of us we hold hands and it is lovely - and I don't get the giggles when he kisses me I have just realised.

Aha :) That's a good sign. Can you make time for a date night more regularly? Maybe once a month or once every two months? And in between try to make the little efforts. DP and I are planning to have a silly board game night once a week and another night to make our way through box sets.

In a way I think sometimes you almost have to "court" each other again - in fact the rediscovery thing can be quite exciting almost like the first time - I'm quite !

Yours defo not the only ones.....another one here!!! We had our first weekend away by ourselves, our first full 24 hours by ourselves in 2 years in may. It was lovely, even though I was 8 months pregnant it was as near to 'the good old' days as we could have managed!!! It wasn't just the sex that came back it was just great to be 'us'....lounging around in bed eating Sunday morning breakfast by ourselves!!!! :) I'm the same as you, it feels like we're just friends sometimes but when we were alone for the weekend away, it really was different. I can definitely recommend getting away from it all, just the 2 of you. Would you be able to get sitters over night? Even if u couldn't afford to stay in a hotel, a meal out and home for some alone time would be a start?

and he doesn't pester me at all - just reminds me gently from time to time that when I'm ready he is there

Wow, sounds exactly like the sort of thing to get one in the mood eh? This would really make me feel wanted, desired, lusted after. :)

Have you tried talking about this with him? Communication is the key.

I think OP's DH has it just right - any kind of "lusting after" can feel like pressure and be a massive turn off if you don't feel up for it! A softly softly approach is best IMO, and it doesn't sound like he's given up completely with the kissing and the dates etc!

Bertie we were talking the other day and agreed that once every couple of months would be good - more often than that gets expensive because of paying the babysitter!

mamma - we will be able to go away and leave them with my parents, but not just yet. Youngest is still not 2 and they are a handful between them at bedtime. But we are already looking forward to it and dreaming about where to go.
Have to say that at the moment I would just look forward to the peace and quiet and the possibility of unbroken sleep

cronullansw - I'm not sure whether you are being serious or not, I hope I don't offend you by saying that. Am v.tired, sorry :)
We have talked about it, but I've just lost all my mojo and I think we are so sleep deprived that the thought of spending an hour talking about it when we could both be asleep is kind of off-putting. That sounds dreadful, doesn't it?

Poor DH

I have just read an article online on this subject. Among the awful recommendations such as providing your husband with a quick blow-job to 'keep things ticking over' - WTF?? - was one useful piece of information, which is that apparently the hormones released when you cuddle your children are a direct testosterone suppressant. So that is some comfort that there is a biological reason for it rather than that I have stopped fancying him or that I will never get my sex drive back.

Searching, if you are still bf-ing, that could kill your sex drive. It did mine (both my dcs were extended bf-ers) and made sex dry and uncomfortable.

It was only after I stopped bf-ing that it got better. What really kicked it off was when I went back to work ft and the dcs were in school. I felt I could finally lift my head above the parapet, wear nice clothes and feel like myself again.

I don't know about getting it back, but you are SO not alone.
DH and I have been on one dinner date without DS in the past 2.6 years. We take turns at going out but never together.
I also feel that I am missing lame thing I used to love, but feel almost asexual at times. Love watching romance in a film but don't want to do the same - with anyone, at any time.
Sometimes I think I have grown old. I would rather just snuggle into bed and get decent sleep to recharge my batteries than have passionate sex for which I am not ready (not waxed, not shaved, no always smelling lovely, not always never in the mood.
I guess what does not help is the lack of sleep, the stress of work, the constant battle that parenting is (with the DS and over the DS)...

As you can see - my sympathy and a shake of head...You are not alone..MJ style..

I could have written your post! You are not alone. But until I get a bit more sleep I can't see much changing here..

IME it is somewhat about knowing that theoretically you want a sex life and so just getting on with it! Rather like acting like you have your dream job at work, act like you have the sex life you want, and then once yiu start having that side of your life again.I find its a bit of a cycle with kids who exhaust you, but this always gets us back on track!

Another one here who could have written your post. I want to want it, but at the moment with 3month old bf dd2 even if we did overcome the logistics and manage to find ourselves alone without any DCs interruptions I just want to sleep. Any DC free time not spent sleeping seems like a waste, but thinking that makes me feel really guilty.

No advice but wanted to add my voice to say you're definitely not alone, and I'll be watching your thread with interest.

Ditto. (Although my DH is not interested either) We are too tired and we have zero opportunity. It's crap but such is life!