I can't believe I've let this happen again I'm such an idiot.

[sparklyjumper]

this was my original thread two weeks ago with the background info. But to sum it up I was in an on/off relationship for a few years. He was always breaking up over stupid reasons then getting back together. He broke my trust/let me down and treated me badly lots of times. Kept me hanging on for a commitment making promises. Broke up with me again just after new year.

I decided enough was enough and I was gong to cut contact which I did. He kept on texting and ringing, then when he couldn't get through to my mobile he started emailing and then on my work phone. I've completely ignored him for two weeks but he's kept on and on. He misses me, he's sorry, he's lonely, can't be without me. When that didn't work he started saying he had some bad news to tell me and I wouldn't be happy. Then it was he wanted to see ds (not his son but been there since baby), I won't break him and ds up, ds is as much his as mine. When that didn't work he started saying he was going to just come over.

I've lived with the blinds and curtains shut for the last two weeks, I'm not scared of him but he's likely to just drive over and felt spied on. When the door knocked I jumped out of my skin thinking he'd turned up. Obviously all the time I'm having to be strong as I still love him and miss him.

On Thursday it was starting to wear me down, then yesterday morning he was texting me as soon as I woke up asking if ds was off school, asked if he could come over and take us sledging. Kept saying he was sorry for being horrible and he wanted to sort things out for good. I cracked and said ok he could come over just to talk and take ds sledging. Turns out he wasn't even off work so he'd lied. Then he begged me to let him come over that night. I said ok and then he said the snow was too bad to get over and he couldn't get off his drive. This would have made sense had he not been to work plus the fact he got a 4x4 for this very reason. So I told him to just forget it, then he begged me to let him come over in the morning (today), said I was being childish and I'd never split him and ds up.

We ended up talking and he was saying how he's been so unhappy and fed up without me, he'll never leave me alone as he can't bear to be without me, how I'm gorgeous and funny and he'll never find anyone like me nor does he want to, how he knows he needs to sort himself out. He then said he never wanted to break up but I need to let him breathe and do his own thing. He said he wants all the things I want a stable relationship but he needs to be able to do his own thing. The way I feel about that is that we have lots of space to breathe and do our own thing. We were only together half the week if that as we live apart, we spent a week apart every 5 weeks when he was on call, he worked away often, I was rarely included in anyn of his family stuff, he only has the one friend but I've met him only once in 4 years and ex would go out every 2-3 weeks with him. I spent over a year not seeing him in the day at all on weekends while he did a load of work on his house, he goes skiing each year. He doesn't have any hobbies but if he did I would certainly never stand in his way. I just don't think I'm this clingy controlling person he makes me out to be, and if I ever have been a little it's probably because he broke my trust so many times. I just don't see what he's seeing, I loved spending time together but I like my space too I liked having a few nights a week to enjoy my own company.

Fast forward to this morning, he's asked can he come over to do the sledging, I said ok and then he changes his mind. Says I was right when I said if he loved me he'd leave me alone, I was right to ignore him, he's scared to come over as he'll be shouted at, he's feeling sorry for himself. Then says I must think he's happy but he's sad, all alone and scared. And asked me what would coming over achieve? I just don't know what's going on in his head I really don't.

If anyones still with me I know you're probably thinking what did I even see in him, but he can be such a nice guy. When we were actually in eachothers company we got on, liked the same things, both quiet, homely types. He was nice to me always complimenting me, he'd bring me a coffee in bed, he was close to my ds, I've even been away for the weekend and left him in charge with no worries. But he's also done some really horrible shit things which he almost didn't like to acknowledge he'd done, just expected me to shut up and move on.

Don't really even know what I'm looking for here just wish I understood what's going on in his head.

And , just thinking sparkly, that as DS gets older, if you continue in this cycle of chase and withdrawal, you will be modelling that to your DS as how relationships should be. I am certain you would not want that for him.

Ye I mean it is possible I don't trust him, maybe I'm just in denial, couldn't even think about another woman on top of everything else.

I have have a google of that book thanks.

He's just text to the house phone saying 'can't stop thinking about you it's driving me mad', can you actually believe it?

Yes. I can.
I knew he would.
Ignore him.
Don't reply.
Ideally, delete without reading!
Turn your mobile off.

No good will come from ANY RESPONSE from you.
He wants to continue torturing you.
Do not let him.

It's all about what he wants, isn't it? His emotions.

Ignore.

Oh, sorry. Text to your house phone.
Does that mean your landline?

Totally believable.
He has no shame and you're not under his control again.

I think turning the phone off is a good idea. At least you can have a rest tonight.

Even for work, perhaps turn it on at regular intervals to return any missed calls at least until he calms down.

Maybe you should tell his family that you have broken up. At least he won't have to pester you to keep the pretense. :o

Sparkly, prepare yourself that he will "up the ante" before he finally leaves you alone. The more you ignore him at first, the more desperate he will be to provoke a reaction. Turn your phone off, or delete his texts unread. Maybe even give your phone to a trusted friend to delete the texts for you. You need to be completely resolute in this.Please please be the woman who walks away from this toxic man with her head held high.

Holy crap. Wake up and smell the impending restraining order!

Seriously, I am exhausted just reading this OP and your last thread's OP - for you and your DS's sake - keep this fickle, maudling man-child out of your life. Document all contact and report it to the police. Tell him to stop contacting you and delete all his contact details.

(will read rest of thread, no doubt moved on...)

I wouldn't recommend that you delete the texts until you are sure you don't need to make a complaint for harassment.
Or until the police have recorded them.

Ah yes, lue. Of course. You're right.

Yes he texts the landline, it doesn't come through as text but speaks to you. So it says 'voicetext from 07*', then a recorded womans voice reads the message. He does it all the time when he can't get through to the mobile.

I'm bloody exhausted too, haven't helped myself really though just can't believe after he didn't want to see me he's still on. Off to bed shortly, got such a headache.

Put phone down when the voice reads out the number.

And stop trying to understand him. Its only going to lead to you engaging with him. Why he does what he does is no longer your problem.

Thanks all, you're all great at giving me a reality check.

Gosh, just read this thread!

He is one fucked up little bunny.

It's all about the knowledge that, if he clicks, you'll come running, isn't it?

Please, please don't.

My sister's bloke never laid a finger on her - I guess what I'm trying to suggest us this stalky phone harassment behaviour is on a continuum that can sometimes lead to physical violence. My main point is - without any physical abuse - you've seen more than enough haven't you for this to be over? You can't trust him. You can't rely on him. He undermines. He blows hot and cold. He's driving you nuts and making you doubt yourself. The texts and emails flooding in to home and work are stalking and they are freaking you out. It's not good.

You have to look at how he behaves rather than listen to his words. People's actions are how you judge their characters, not what he says when he's trying to get in your good books. He cannot be relied on. He's no good.
It's really dodgy he lied about the abortion to his parents and never tells them when you split up. It's also really dodgy he has hardly any friends as you say. To me this paints a picture of a selfish untrustworthy person who doesn't care enough about other people to form any lasting, normal relationships.
No one here is saying 'Hang on to this bloke, he's a keeper!' You can get out. You are stronger than you think. If you need help, the police will take the texts and emails alone seriously. This is stalking and you don't have to stand for it. Don't let it wear you down. Stand up for yourself xx

I think he was just trying to find out if you were with someone else; seeing if you'd moved on to another relationship. And as you said yes, he could come over, that afternoon, then that evening etc, he doesn't need to come and spray his territory. But expect him to try and do so at some point in the future, unless you are completely firm about it.

I don't think you should allow him to come to your place again. If you ever need to see him, meet him for coffee in town, during the day. And don't tell him what's going on in your life.

He sounds very odd and you deserve much much better.

OP I'm going through something similar to this myself at the moment - pattern of him talking the talk, but then showing by his actions that he doesn't want me and then disappearing - and then me, like an idiot, chasing after him to get him back. And on and on it goes.

But not any more.

What has really helped me to break the cycle is to ask myself if I want to still be feeling this way this time next year, for I know that if I get back with him nothing will change and I'll be feeling just as bad, probably worse. And on and on it will go.

Absolutely no contact is the only way we'll get them out of our heads. We can do much, much better.

No contact is the only way, because he's going to sweet talk/harass you until he pushes enough of your buttons to get a reaction.

It is like an addiction from your angle: many of us have been there and can understand that part of the problem. Is there anyone you can call on to distract you and keep you strong? Your mum, a friend? Because he's relentless, and shameless, and he thinks he will tire you into giving in. He has succeeded every time so far.

Don't let him win this time, sparkly. Talk to police if you feel threatened, of course: but if you just need some extra willpower, call your friends or come and post on here. You need all the support you can get.

No response. You can do this.

God he is horrible. He digs and digs and baits you into saying OK, then pulls back and says no. He's a complete twat and just looking to control you, when you say no it makes him crazy as you are in control and he can't have that can he?
Stop reacting and answering, ignore ignore ignore. It's the best way to get him to leave you alone eventually he'll get the message and move on.

Sorry to hear you're going through similiar irabelle, it's a good idea thinking do you want to be like this this time next year. People say that to me often, unfortunately I seem to have this strange way of thinking where I focus on the good times and the good bits however hard I try not to. Although doesn't help because he's often used tactics like 'shall we book a holiday', 'can he be at ds birthday' things he knows I love and enjoy. I've also noticed when he makes contact he talks as though nothing has happened even though I'm not responding, so he'll ask if I'm watching some programme, and he'll call me 'babe' cringe. And says things like 'how can I lose my baby, I've been thinking about you everyday'.

Ladywordy I talk to my dm a lot, and dsis. It's times like this when I realise that my social life has taken a battering, I have loads of people around me, but not many who I'm close to. I've allowed myself to become quite isolated and I think it's because I've been putting most of my energy into this terrible relationship trying to make it work. My ex is also really, really shy an unsociable miserable bugger so it didn't help that anytime we went anywhere together he'd just stand/sit there and not speak and it would become embarrassingly uncomfortable, not blaming him though because he never stopped me doing what I wanted to do but I stopped bothering.

My social life is something I'm trying to work on, I've got friends from my old and new work but a lot of them live far away and/or are tied up with thir own children and lives so we only tend to meet up sometimes with the kids.

A lot of my old school friends were still only interested in going out drinking all the time and that's not really me so we drifted apart.

I lost a couple of really lovely close long term friends because of my previous ex and I still miss them but there's no going back for various reasons.

But I'm starting to get quite friendly with a few of the mums from school now and some of my dsis friends have tried to get friendly with me but I haven't put the effort in as I was pre occupied.

Sparkly jumper I'm really worried about the way you're still referring to this man. In a post towards the bottom of page 3 you referred to him as 'dp' you've also talked in present tense about seeing him, when we go round rather than when we went round. And a couple of posts up from here you're still excusing his behaviour for when he would visit and be really unsociable.

I know you are really trying hard to end this relationship but I'm worried he will get back into your head again. Please, please start making a log of every contact he makes, even if you don't call the police today or tomorrow, I really think you will end up needing to soon.

Someone else mentioned the freedoms course, is this something you can investigate today/tomorrow? Take some positive steps towards your future, and stay safe x

Oh gosh I don't know, perhaps I'm not taking it seriously enough. I'm kind of thinking it's only a few texts/emails/calls, he obviously doesn't really even want to see me so he'll drop it soon?

I had a look into the freedom programme last week when someone else suggested it, this was what I found, guessing this is the right thing? It looked as though you have to pay for it? Also I watched a sample video and it seemed to be all about husbands or live in partners who were financially controlling, verbally/physically abusive it didn't seem relevant for me?