just looking for reassurance, I can do this, can't I?

[penguinplease]

So had a light bulb moment yesterday and realised that no matter what I do I cannot make this man happy or love me.

don't want to bore or drip feed so just as briefly as I can - together 14 years, have 3dcs. Have never been really happy or massively unhappy but kind of stuck it out for the kids.
Financially he is great, earns good money and provides well. Is getting to be a better father as the kids grow older but still has moments of total lunacy (take the kids to the fair and then shout at them because they want to go on rides.. surely thats like going to a pub and not having a drink for him?!).

Emotionally to me he has never been there, he rarely speaks to me and even before we started having problems he has never been interested in me.
We stopped having sex a long time ago - another thing he never seemed to get was that it should at some point be good for me. In all our years it never has been. We have had temporary splits twice in the last 5 years. both times he has gone away and been amazing and I've been convinced we can work it out and so we've got back together but each time it deteroriates again. I wonder now if this is because he is scared to move on and just wants to be where he knows with his kids rather than alone. I really don't know.

He works all day and then spends all evening in front of his laptop gambling and surfing the sports channels. I spend all day with kids/at home/working and the evenings I either hide in my office or I go and see friends.

I asked him yesterday if he would actually speak to me and he said he isn't interested in anything I have to say ever. Thats not right is it?

I am ashamed of myself, if my daughter was in my situation I would be the first one to advise her to get out and move on. So why am I not strong enough to do that? I'm scared of being on my own with 3 kids, I'm scared of not having any money as I grew up in a single parent family and we struggled. I'm scared that my kids will suffer if we split but I'm also worried
that they will grow up to think that being ignored by the man in a relationship is the normal.

I don't know what i expect you all to say, I maybe just want someone to tell me that I'm right to get out of this and that I will be ok. A house is just bricks right, if I have to move its not the end of the world.. and my self esteem is rock bottom so surely that will get better?

Oh I do feel really sad and sorry for myself. Thank you if you've got this far

"I asked him yesterday if he would actually speak to me and he said he isn't interested in anything I have to say ever. Thats not right is it?"

Er, no, it really isn't. And as you recognise, it's doing your self esteem no good whatsoever.

Apart from financial security, is there any reason at all to stay in this cold bath of a relationship?

You can do this.

From what you've said it sounds to me like you can do this and it'll be good for you too.
Good luck!

No its an awful thing to say and admit but I have the security of money that I never had as a child and that so far has made me ignore everything.
I just realised yesterday how much he hates me and he thinks I do nothing all day and in turn he does nothing because he doesn't see why he should. his latest line that has hit me hard is that he pays more than enough for it all to be done so why should he do anything. Like I'm employed by him almost.

I am just really scared and sad for my dcs. And myself and what the unknown future will hold.

"I asked him yesterday if he would actually speak to me and he said he isn't interested in anything I have to say ever. Thats not right is it?"

I wouldn't say that to a stranger in the street, let alone the person I was supposed to be in a long-term loving relationship with. "You bore me".... I wonder who or what he does find interesting? Don't waste another moment with this man. Good luck

"he pays more than enough for it all to be done so why should he do anything."

That tells you everything doesn't it? He thinks he owns you.... You're not an employee you're a slave. Hope you had the good sense to marry him because when you split it's going to cost him a fortune...

There are worse things than being short of a bob or two. Being dependent on someone who despises you is one of the. Living with two parents who hate each other is another.

You won't be penniless anyway. He'll have to pay some maintenance for the DCs, and probably some support for you too for an initial period while you get yourself sorted; by then the DCs will be a bit older and more independent, so it'll be easier for you to get stuck into the earning thing.

One of them - not easy typing with a cat lying on my arm.

Men are not free banks for women....
And women cannot be bought for financial safety....

You deserve a genuine life x good luck x

No we never married.. he once said I wasn't the type of girl you marry which makes me a bit sick when I think about it now but to be honest my desire to marry him faded years ago.

I never said I expect him to be a free bank by the way, he always wanted to provide a family home that meant me at home and him at work, I do work from home around the children and still do it all for them and I do contribute just not in the massive way he does. Without him this house will have to be sold and I will not be able to afford to buy one and that is quite a scary change after 10 years of having mortgages. I won't qualify for housing benefit or anything like that so we will literally be plunged from a anice fairly affluent lifestyle to penny pinching and that is not impossible for me but it is really quite scary.

I think I just have gotten to the point when I realise that I would rather be alone than with him and deeply unhappy and always watching for the next thing to annoy him.
Its so sad that he has everything here and he just doesn't appreciate it or even want it. I guess I am just sad for the future we and my dcs now won't have.

Yes, you are right to get out of this, even though it will feel frightening to start with.

This man thinks a wife and family is something you purchase, and then ignore. There are many benefits to him in having you there, which is why he puts on the big 'let's work it out' act when you try to split up.

So if you feel sad and sorry for yourself now (and you'd have to made of concrete not to) - imagine how you'll feel without someone in the house who insults you, directly and indirectly; expects you to keep house without complaint and no doubt supply other marital benefits; and without someone who upsets your children by ignoring them or shouting at them for wanting rides at the fair, so you have to soothe their feelings.

How about stopping off at olgaga's blog while you get your bearings -
surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html?m=1

... And talk to us on MN if we can help with moral support. It all gets better from here penguin.

The future you won't have is a future where you're not told you're too boring to talk to... Can't see that's a great loss, personally. I'd rather live in a tent and exist on baked beans than endure a golden cage where I'm treated like an inconvenience....

You're making a lot of assumptions about your financial status post-split and, although you're in a relatively weak position as a partner rather than a spouse (and why am I not surprised that a selfish, money-obsessed tosser didn't want to marry...?) , a solicitor will probably be able to give you the definite ins and outs of what you could reasonably expect. Do get some professional advice.

What an absolute waste of humanity this man is. I am incredulous at the things he says to you.

Yes, you CAN do this. Believe me, being with this awful man is the biggest drain on your self-esteem, and you will find your happiness levels will improve considerably once he is no longer around to drag you down.

You can do this. You will be doing you and the DC so much good.

Why wouldn't you be eligible for housing benefit? You might be surprised at how much you would be entitled to. Go to this site to find out what you'd be entitled to. Also go to the CSA calculator to see what the situation would be there too - as far as I know, the CSA money you would get would not affect other entitlements - hope someone can confirm this.

You really need to go, don't you? You can't live like this. It makes me wonder about his mind if he has so much contempt for you yet continues to live with you. He is a very odd man, OP, and you'd be much better off without him.

Are you joint owner of the house?
When I contemplated separation I found that my part of the equity would then make me ineligible for benefits. However if I was working a certain amount tax credits kicked in. You probably would be eligible for something.