Marriage over, where do we go from here?

[Milly22]

H and I have decided to end marriage. Not thinking divorce quite yet but some sort of separation agreement. I'm a civil servant and work term time so it's classed part time. I'm shit scared to be honest as it looks like we're going to have to sell house and that's devastating enough. We have two children and share custody. H has always been in charge of finances and always tried to mould me into his perfect wife and not really accepting me for me and will always bring bad history in arguments. Neither have had affairs, I'm just rubbish with money if I'm honest. He's always threatened to leave if I don't change my ways and after a long time of this I've said ok. Haven't been happy for a long time and I want out and he is now finding it hard to accept that I've said ok instead of the usual 'I'll change. I'm going it alone with maybe £50,000 share of equity if we sell house. Any advice would be welcome.

Even though you're not thinking divorce yet you simply can't afford to mess around when it comes to things like money, the roof over your head or arrangements for the children. I'm sure you'd be quite good with money if he'd ever given you a chance to find out how it works. :) So as the saying goes ... 'needs must'.... and I think you should get help with getting to grips with the practical aspects. Do call on friends and family IRL to provide you with emotional as well as practical support. But please also face reality, book an appointment with a solicitor and make sure you are not sold down the river by what sounds like a very manipulative man. There is no such thing as a 'separation agreement' in legal terms.

Good luck

If you are in Scotland you can get separation agreement that is legally binding.

Didn't realise that about Scotland, thanks. :) In the face of a man that has been hogging the finances and trying to 'mould' the OP into a perfect wife (whatever the hell that's supposed to be) I think it's very, very important that whatever is agreed is legal, binding and not left to chance.

See a solicitor ASAP.

In the marriage you may be in the role of 'crap with money', but in your own household you are going to be 'great with money'. Those relationship roles are no more!

The first step is to make sure that you get a fair exit from your marriage and that your children receive what is due to them.

Totally agree on the legal aspect. We had a very amicable divorce but still needed solicitors to draw up an agreement on the division of the equity in the house.

Agree with the others too - now that you have to be in charge of your own finances, you'll manage your money just fine. I was in this position too, and I was terrified about how much money I would have coming in, and how I would manage to budget, having never had to think too carefully about it for 15 years.....

I made up a spreadsheet with all my income and outgoings, did the Benefits Calculator on the Tax Credits website so I knew what else I'd be entitled to, and got myself a solicitor who does Legal Aid. So far, so good!

My ExH was keen to split our assets without the help of solicitors, but already he is saying he can't give me what I've asked for (straight 50% of assets in cash, none of his huge pension), would I consider x,y, and z instead.... If I didn't have my sol saying "no, that's not a clean break, we'll hold out for what you are due" I would have probably rolled over by now and consequently ended up with an unfair deal for me and the DCs. I think a lot of men know that a lot of women would do the same, no matter how reasonable they seem or seemed in the past.

Good luck OP, and these forums are a great source of practical and emotional support when you need them :)

Thanks for the advice, been talking this morning with H and somehow we're actually getting on. We're going to get the estate agent around asap and obviously telling the children is the next step. We're talking of looking for places to rent close together because as a family we're very close just crap with our husband wife relationship. We actually said that we still love each other but just get on each others nerves and almost feel as if there is now relief. The custody of the children would be equal as we both wouldn't want it any other way. I've never claimed any benefit (except for child benefit) in my life and as I'm working part time and eventually single will I be better off? I see single women in work with children and they seem to have a lot more spending money than I have as a married mother? Any idea how much help would there be with housing benefit? Appreciating the support on here and feeling a lot better than yesterday.

As well, yet another question. I didn't think I could file for divorce because we're still living under the same roof and there's just the 'grown apart' issue being the main reason for separation. Do we need to live apart for 2 years? I really want to separate on good terms and if we did put up with each other then we'd probably end up hating each other which I don't want.

The CAB are pretty good on helping you to find out what benefits you're entitled to and, if needed, helping you to claim them.

It's good that you both seem to be coming from the same direction on the separation, as this will be a whole lot easier on the children, as well as cheaper than a protracted wrangle in court! However, please do not let this lull you into feeling you don't need proper legal advice. You do, even if he doesn't turn awkward further down the line, which is not unheard of.

I divorced XH while we were living under the same roof. Google the CAB and Directgov guides on separation, they'll tell you what you need to do to be classed as separate.

rightsofwomen.org

you must get legal advice

Am I entitled to Legal Aid as all my assets have basically gone into the house?

If you're going to apply for legal aid you need to get a shift on as the rules are changing in April, I believe.

You can learn to be good with money (even if you're truly rubbish with it and not just cast in that role by dh). Takes a bit of self-discipline and keeping an eye on it (no hiding from bills! ).

You can get good budgeting tools online - moneysavingexpert is a good site.

Yes, I did read that, OMG this is unknown territory and really going into the unknown. It's like I've fallen into the river and trying to swim and stay afloat to get to the other side. I'm scared and nervous on how this is going to pan out.

My 'D'H always told me I was crap with money in our home. He earns more than double what I make, six months post separation he has run up £15,000 (the majority of which is that six months) debt on credit cards, I on the other hand have savings and have booked and paid for a family holiday for me and the DCs. Just because they try and tell you you're bad with money doesn't mean that you actually are.

The only reason you're scared and nervous is because you're operating in the dark. "Ignorance is fear". This is why you need legal advice, benefits advice, accommodation advice. ... to shine a light in the dark. Some solicitors offer a free half hour consultation which should help you get your bearings. You can divorce under 2 years if you cite unreasonable behaviour. If you agree something (fair) between you and keep the involvement of solicitors to a minimum the cost shouldn't be expensive.

For benefits available try the calculator at www.turn2us.org.uk and input your details as if you were solo. Maintenance payments don't count as income for earnings-related benefits.

I divorced my XH within six months as I cited unreasonable behaviour. After two years you can have a no blame grown apart divorce.

If you agree you want to divorce then you might want to find solicitors who practice collaborative law. You can agree that one of you will divorce the other on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and be done in less than 6 months. I would advise whoever is the 'unreasonable' one to not read what the other says about them. I never have - it doesn't matter, I know the truth and our divorce was quick and I could get on with my life.

Good luck - but a word of warning - from now on he might not be your friend, mine shafted me on assets because I was so keen to keep it amicable - we went into a sort of super friendly mode. The disadvantage of collaborative family law solicitors is the they don't necessarily fight your corner and I didn't pay enough attention! Good luck