Sad and very lonely and don't know what to do

[Suburbanqueen]

This is going to be a long thread and just writing it down I hope will help.

I am 53 and reasonably attractive although a bit overweight (20lbs or so). I am going through the menopause and am suffering from depression for which I've had therapy and counseling (didn't help) and take Citalopram which keeps it bay and allows me to work fulltime.

I am on my 2nd marriage (18 years) to a man I don't know if I love at all. I'm not sure I ever did and I don't think he loves me either. I have 2 kids, one lives abroad and the other, a lovely if feckless young boy, is off to uni (I hope) in September.

My job is cushy but dull , pays quite well and is very flexible but SOOOO boring but I have to earn a reasonable salary as I can't bear to be dependent on my husband. He suffers with anxiety and I don't want to add to his burden.

I was estranged from an emotionally abusive mother for the past 3 years and she dies last week. I am unraveling all the unpaid bills etc and dealing with getting probate so I can pay them. I can't say I miss her at all but I am so sad that I didn't have a relationship with her. My Dad died 15 years ago and we got on OK despite my mother really.

My relationship with my kids is very good but I don't want to talk to them and burden them like my mother did. My friends think I'm weak to stay with my husband but I am so tired, so very tired. I just want someone to love me and to look after me. Is that silly? I don't feel I have ever been parented, just left to it. If I had a problem when I was young and told my mother she would just say I was making her ill and to stop worrying her as she was miserable enough anyway. I treid so hard with her for 40 years and in the end I walked away.

My husband told me 2 days after my mother died that he finds me disgusting. He drinks - always secretly and becomes verbally abusive (I do shout back and I know I shouldn't bother) He hit me once 15 years ago but never since. He won't apoloise properly asnd it kind of limps along. When he's not drinking he's Ok but he finds me disgusting and i'm really not. This has crucified me. Where do I find the courage to move on without tearing my
son's life apart (he loves both of us) and to manage financially. My job is dodgy and I'm knocking on.

I am so tired and sad and I just want to be cared for. I am NOT religious so that doesn't help. Any advice gratefully received.

Regardless of the relationship you did or didn't have with your parents, no-one deserves to be told they are disgusting or live with an abusive drunk. No uni-age son, unless they are incredibly selfish and immature, could be 'torn apart' by you choosing to separate. He must know how bad things are.

Where to find the courage.... I always think that information/knowledge is power and that, once you start researching a course of action, you're that bit closer to making it happen. Perhaps you could look into bereavement counselling? Sometimes the death of someone close can be a trigger for a depressive episode but sometimes.... and you may need help in flipping it around... it can be the trigger to appreciate your own mortality and decide not to waste the life you have left.

Finally... support. I'm sure your friends would love to help you. I think you need to find ways to energise yourself, boost your self-esteem and locate some confidence.... exercise? new hobbies? expanding your social circle?.... and, even if you don't split just yet, perhaps they'd be willing to help you with that.

Thank you. Yes, I used to be a feisty confident person, pretty and lively and it's draining away. I suppose all I need to do is get through the committal of my mother, deal with her finances and then start to take stock of how I can live on my own again. I have no real need to hurry.

I do feel my mortality very strongly...you're right. I have no physical energy just yet but I guess that will come back.

My son may have to learn to accept it. I fear my husband won't. My daughter will fully understand but she isn't here so the impact on her is minimal. Why do people treat each other so badly? That question goes round and round in my head all the time. Unanswered.

Has anyone been on a non religious retreat? Did it help?

If you mean travelling solo... I used to do that a lot in my early/mid thirties pre-DS. I would book myself on a tour with one of these 'off the beaten track' travel companies and ended up in all kinds of exotic locations with all kinds of interesting people, couples, singles, older and younger. Sat round a campfire sharing a bottle of Drambuie in a less fashionable bit of the Canadian Rockies or wherever with a bunch of strangers may not have been a retreat in the strictest sense of the word but it was certainly invigorating!

Main tip I'd give you is not to wait for your physical energy to come back but to get out there and dare it to come back... . :) Be the person you want to be regardless, find your own path, and it all helps you separate mentally which is very good preparation for separating physically.

Thank you again. Yes, I think I need to find my courage. If I actually had booked something I would go and find my nerve. The physical apathy is a result of mental stress and anger and sadness and loneliness and all those other horrible emotions I carry with me.

Should have said.... my early/mid thirties was right after a traumatic marriage break-up, not before as your case. But I think I was fighting the same problems of feeling lonely and lost at the time.

Yes, I coped really well with my 1st marriage break-up but I was only 29 with a good job and a lovely little girl and lots of hope. Break-up was amicable too. This one won't be. Thank you

Apathy aside, there's nothing really stopping you booking a solo adventure. I used to love packing my bag and my 'Lonely Planet' guides, landing in some unusual airport, meeting the tour-leader and then being introduced to my new travelling companions for the next two or three weeks. Just far enough outside my comfort zone to make me feel alert and alive.... not so far as to be actually dangerous!!!

Yes, can't deal with danger really. But I'm not shy. Any particular companies you would recommend trying?

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Maybe it's more lonely being with someone who is not really there for you, than being alone and at the start of a new life.

Will you look back when you're 75 and think, I'm so glad I stayed in that cushy but very boring job?

The thing is that your son probably acts as a buffer between you and your husband at the moment. It will be much easier if all three of you are in the room. In September, your son will hopefully be at university, and there will be just the two of you at home. Once your children have left home, you really have to live either alone or with someone who values you.

Your husband sounds awful. How dare he say you're disgusting? No wonder you needed anti-depressants, living with him. I reckon a few months on your own will cure you of your depression.

What would you like to do? How would you like to spend the next ten years or so? Presumably you will have to work at something. Is there anything you would prefer to do? A place you would like to live? Would you want to stay in the same area or prefer to leave? Would you be happiest by the sea, in a city, in the countryside? You can do what you want now, you know.

I think I would plan to go when your son moves away. I wouldn't tell anyone yet. I wouldn't tell your son until he's taken his exams - if he's a bit feckless he might use it as an excuse to mess things up.

You really need to grit your teeth and do this now, you know. Your home will seem an awful place when it's just the two of you living there.

What part of the country do you live in, OP?

I had a great time with Exodus, back in the day. www.exodus.co.uk

sorry posted too soon. this is a lovely talk on 'what it's all about' , human connection, love etc. It moved me when i was having darker days and i wanted to share

I used Travelbag and Explore in the past.

Thank you all. I live and work in West London. I need some time to think it all through, get my mother cremated, her money sorted out and son settled and then yes, it must be tackled and dealt with. He has behaved appallingly for too long. I can't always put everyone else first. People just walk all over you.

My dear, whatever you do, some form of action will bring you to life again. You are only in your 50s, you can do it.

Find someone to level with - here will do - and get to it. I know you are tired but you wont always be x

I dont have a mum either, I gave up on mine too. That set me free really, to finally be me xx I hope you will be ok xxx I would look after you if i could.

I would look into taking a career break from your job - public sector and some others offer this, where you agree to take 1 or possibly 2 years off unpaid but they keep your job open for you. That allows you a fallback later while you try out other things. I knew someone who did it post divorce. She ended up working as a scuba diving instructor abroad, having gone travelling, tried it out and decided it was what she'd been missing all this time.

Will there be any money left when you settle your mother's affairs, or do you think it will all be swallowed in bills?

Hi, no I fear there will be no money left at all after my mother's bills are paid. It will be swallowed in bills. Mt husband seems to think he can behave as he wishes so money from any divorce settlement will be hard fought for and living in one of the most expensive parts of the UK doesn't help. But, on the plus side there are jobs out there.

Thank you all - I made a date with my friend for Sunday morning to talk to her. She knows all the secrets of my heart. Isn't the internet weird? You guys help so much and i don't know who you are.