Am I being unreasonable?

[Lahti]

A few of my friends have recently started to comment that my DH is a control freak. To be honest I have thought this in the past but never realised how much it has started to affect me. I need to know if I am over reacting or being unreasonable to my DH.
History. Married for 11 years 1 DC. Examples of past possible controlling behaviour are.. 5 years ago (pre DC) both of us were keen on the same sporting hobby and I entered an endurance event which was a really big deal to me. I really enjoyed it and wanted to do another the following year. DH was not happy for me to do so but he entered the event himself for the following year. I pointed out that we could do it together but he was adamant that I wasn't going to do it. Anyway I was a bit cross but thought never mind. Anyway he went on to have an EA that year which was awful, we nearly split up. Went to Relate and things got better, we had our DC 2 years later. Following Relate and through my pregnancy and Mat leave he was fine but when it came to me returning to work he started to revert to his old self ie He said I needed to work really unsociable hours 2pm -1am to reduce the need for childcare (family member) not surprisingly I was exhausted especially as DC was a very poor sleeper. I eventually persuaded him that I needed to change jobs as I was literally on my knees.
Anyway I know I am rambling so will get to the point. A year ago I started to learn a new sporting hobby and got a coach once a fortnight. It turns out that I am pretty good at this hobby but DH doesnt like it at all. He doesn't want to hear anything about it, he doesn't like my coach (never met him and won't even though I have encouraged him to). He says that it costs too much £60 per month but he easily spends this on himself ie holidays with his friends. I don't have any other hobbies or outgoings and the time that my hobby takes up is done during the following times twice while DD is in preschool, 1 1/2 hours at the weekend and 1hour during a weekday evening.
I know this sounds like an argument over something trivial but I feel like I am not allowed to do anything that he disapproves of. Normally he just gets his own way as I can't bear the arguments but this is something that is important to me.

It has taken me a while to write here as it makes it real if you see what I mean.

Are those things insurmountable? or can they be changed?

If you would want to leave, apart from those problems, I mean.

WHOOPASS probably not but his mum would be devastated. The car and where to live etc they just seem too big to think about. I know that is an excuse and not a reason. Also he can be great for a while which makes me doubt myself.

You can't stay in an unhappy situation because his mother would be upset.

But that's by the by. You have the right to choose to stay, if you feel that's better for you than leaving.

Just please make sure that you want to stay rather than you're afraid to leave.

You have the right to be happy. And you don't sound happy.

Perhaps you have stayed in the forlorn hope that he would somehow change.
Such men however, do not change and he has power and control over you.
Abusers are not nasty all the time; infact they can do nice and nasty very well but its a continuous cycle and you're probably finding that he is staying "nice" for lesser amounts of time now. Also such men are very plausible to those in the outside world.

You do not have to live like this, you can make a happy life for you and your children without his malign and abusive day to day prescence in it. He's already had one EA; you cannot count on him not having another EA. Your biggest mistake here was to take him back at all after the EA but hindsight is truly a wonderful thing.

His mother being "devastated" is an irrelavance and this should not be given any cosnideration at all. Also she does not have to live with him day to day unlike yourself.

As for your children, they will love any parent no matter how abusive they are and they are seeing you being emotionally abused by this man. They are learning from both of you about how relationships are conducted.

If I take DC out for a few hours to my friends for him to get some peace he says that is my free time as well as the time spent training for my hobby. However when I am training and he has DC he just goes to his mums and reads the paper or watches TV
So he gets free time alone, but it?s made seem like your time, and then on the time that is actually yours he has his Mum look after the GC.

Re: the event, was is expensive? Was that the reason only one of you could do it? You said it was preDC so child care wasn?t an issue.

Re the night waking so basically you went out to work till 1am, then no solid sleep till what after 6-7am, What did you do till 1pm? What time did the relative do childcare from/till?

I know this may read as though I?m nit-picking but I?m just trying to show how unfair the few events you have shown us are to you.

From reading threads on here and a little personal experience I know that for some people it can be a tiny tiny event that suddenly makes you think huh! Hang on there.

I also know that in the main, abusive people go to great lengths to show the nice side to the rest of the world, however enough of his behaviour has ?leaked out? that your friend felt brave enough to say something.
Trust me it takes a lot of courage for a friend to say something like this.

SMELLSLIKE the event wasn't cheap but money wasn't the issue at all. He just didn't want me to do it.

Re my old job childcare arrived at 1.15pm I left at 1.30pm started work at 2pm until 1am got home at 1.30am would be woken every hour with DC. DH got up at 6am as would DC. DC would nap at around 10.30 while I pushed in pram, I would get home sit down for an hour then either go to work again or continue the day with DC at home. Childcare stayed until DH got home and had a shower 6.30pm. DH would walk childcare back to their house then walk DC back to get DC to sleep 7.30pm.

So he did one hour waking childcare, and then had the evening to himself.

When did you get a shower in peace?

Re event: If money wasn?t the issue, why didn?t he want you to do it?

My OH is sporty, very sporty, he'd love if there was a sporty activity that we could both do. I love reading; I'd love to be able to discuss books with him.

However he would never stop me buying books joining a book club, I put up with being dragged around looking at the newest running shoes/vest/watching him race.

I wouldn?t stop him doing anything like that, he wouldn?t stop him. We like different things we support each other in these not say I don?t want you to do XYZ.

Its sounds like you get very little support.

Thankyou all for your advice. My lovely friend has ordered the "why does he do that book" for me (really don't want that on our Amazon account history). I showed her all your responses half thinking that she would say that they were overreactions BUT she didn't. I am booking counselling for myself next week.

Not sure what happened but my thread disappeared yesterday. I wondered if I could ask a Q? At the moment I have barely any enthusiasm to spend much time with him except around the house. Is this just making his behaviour worse? If we go out he will just complain about the cost of everything, we will need to take a pack lunch, all the other cars are driving too slowly etc etc it is just too negative for me to enjoy myself.
So to be honest I would rather watch a DVD with DC. i cant even read a book as DC needs entertainment (age3) and will irritate DH as he wants to use his iPAD and he just gets ratty with us both.

Being forced to accept being happy-ish with staying in because he is too much trouble to leave the house with is a massive red flag

I get what you mean but it is him suggesting going out and I am the one that resists it. So it feels like he is making an effort and i am not iykwim.

" Is this just making his behaviour worse? "

Please stop thinking that his behaviour is as a result of yours. It really isn't. Bullies are solely concerned with one question i.e. 'am I getting what I want?'. If not they bully, cajole, control, threaten, belittle and manipulate until the answer is yes.

When you reach the stage where you haven't the enthusiasm to even step out of the house with him you've reached rock bottom. When you find yourself dismissing various activities or ideas purely on the strength of ... 'he wouldn't like it' or 'he'll make life difficult'... then that's how you know your behaviour is being controlled. When you can't even sit and read a book because it'll get a negative reaction, you are a prisoner in your own home. In a good relationship none of these things should happen.

Sorry... should add... that whole thing about pressurising you to go into a situation knowing that he's going to sabotage it is just another bullying technique. Setting you up to fail.

Thanks. He is V keen to visit my parents soon as DC will meet cousins etc. The thing is though it is so stressful as he doesn't get on with my parents and vice versa. I went with just DC and myself last year after not going for 18 months and it was great and dare I say relaxing. I am dreading this visit he has planned because of the stress. I have suggested I go on my own and he visits his brother instead (they are very close) but he insists that it is rude if he doesn't come with me.

OK.... in this situation decide what you want to do. Don't second-guess his reaction. Don't have any kind of Plan B hedge position where you're going to change your mind if he gets annoyed. Don't, in short, give his opinion any weight in your decision. Decide what is best for you. No-one else.

Then tell him.

This is roughly how you have to conduct life going forward ie.. entirely on your terms.

Ok.... I am now going to sound like the biggest doormat ever. We only have 1 car and my family live 250 miles away. For me to go on my own (preferred option) I need him to drive me to the nearest railway station (40 mins) as there is no way he would let me have the car as he would need it to do errands etc for his elderly mum (she lives close by). I can drive but the reason we only have one car is that we work at the same place and he often cycles to work anyway. He prefers me not to use the car for short trips as it is not economical. I can see now that this is utter rubbish but have had it for 12 years.

Basically he either wants a fight with my parents and make it seem like it is their fault or we just don't go. Would you agree?

Yeap, and bear in mind either way it will be spun to make it all your fault.

Just take the car and go without him. He can cycle to his mothers.