Everyone is getting married!! I hate you all

[AppleiPip]

I'm feeling so fed up/jealous at the moment. I'm 32 and have never been married. Never even got close. The only guy that ever broached the subject with me was a controlling twat of the highest order and I couldn't stand the bastard.

Marriage never bothered me until this past year or so and now I want it so badly. I don't know why. It's not the 'having kids' part as I've done that - it's the total commitment to another person and to have that complete commitment returned. The whole idea of it, the sharing of surnames, the whole "my husband" thing - I want it so badly.

And to make it worse, everyone around me is getting married. My Facebook is constantly a stream of engagement announcements, pictures of weddings, pictures of engagement rings - just fuck off with it all :-(

A close friend is getting married in June and I'm happy for her (genuinely) but she's 26 - why does it never happen to me???

My cousin has been seeing her boyfriend for the same amount of time as I've been seeing mine and at the weekend she told me "he's been looking at engagement rings, it's in his internet history and he keeps talking about marriage, I'm so excited!!" and all I can think about is my boyfriend who - despite the fact that I love him to bits, has so much baggage and 'ishoos' that it would be a fucking miracle if he could ever look at an engagement ring without having a panic attack.

Anyone else go through this "I wanna get married!" stage and did it ever happen??

(disclaimer, I'm not really bitter and twisted and don't really hate all the 'smug marrieds' )

Ha! Well, I'm not married, never have been and don't want to be, so maybe I'm the wrong person, but a quick stroll around the relationships board should soon burst your fairytale marriage bubble!!!

Absolutely, hang around here and this madness these regrets will vanish in a puff.
For example, as my starter for 10, why on earth was your cousin looking at her boyfriend's internet history?

Hmm...

has so much baggage and 'ishoos' that it would be a fucking miracle if he could ever look at an engagement ring without having a panic attack.

Do you want to marry him? Or do you want him to pull himself the fuck together and want to marry you? Or do you want A Marriage, which you don't necessarily see him as being part of (capable of)?

Firstly, You are probably flogging a dead horse with your boyfriend, don't know the background but if he is that opposed to commitment there is no changing him.
Secondly, how you are feeling might be quite dangerous because with that attitude you could well be one of those people who end up marrying anyone for the sake of it, then spending a long time and money trying to get out of it in a couple of years,
Learn to be happy on your own and then if you do meet someone you want to commit too you will do it for the right reasons.

Well, he was married for a long time and then they divorced. He dealt with it pretty badly but is more or less over it now - however he does seem terrified of it happening that way again. I did ask him if he'd ever get married again and he said he probably would but he'd have to be in a relationship for a long time first and 100% sure as he doesn't want his name known at the divorce courts lol

He has a point and I know he's been sensible. I'm not even 100% sure on the relationship yet either so fuck knows what my head is playing at. I suppose I've just had a rough few years and I'm looking for my fairytale ending.

I think it's worth getting married because only then can you truly appreciate being single when you divorce.

I was about to say nothing to stop you asking your boyfriend to marry you if it's that much of a deal, but then you say you're not even 100% sure on the relationship anyway.

Peer pressure is hard to resist sometimes, but ask yourself: can 1,000,000 lemmings be wrong?

Where's sgb when you need her?

I understand OP. I'm 35 and nobody has ever wanted to marry me either :(

My DP is great and I know he is in it for the long haul but still...

Someone wanted to marry me once. I was so amazed and flattered that I agreed. Took 25 years and half of everything I had (not to mention a hefty chunk of my mental health) to get rid of the bugger.

Never, never marry someone with Issues.

Annie

47 here, never married, never lived with anyone, single mother by choice (think of me as a vanilla SGB ).

When I look at my married friends, they either married because (1) they (mutually) found someone they got on brilliantly with, fancied, respected, etc., and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with this person, and decided to make a public statement of their commitment or (2) they wanted the trappings of institution of marriage - a straightforward framework in which to bring up children, respectability, joint income to afford a better lifestyle, someone to go on holiday with/be a plus-one at social events.

I rather envy those in category (1)- when it works (and I know quite a few couples where it really does) it looks like a brilliant way to lead one's life.

Those in category (2) - some make it work. Some of those are happy, but I think you have to be a particular sort of hard-nosed person to make it work. You are essentially entering into a marriage of convenience for non-romantic reasons, and you have to be able to say that the non-romantic reasons are more important that dreams of true leurve, and, more importantly, having made this decision, tuck all romantic thoughts away firmly in a cupboard at the back of your mind, lock the door and throw away the key. Then you can get on with a companionate, but not passionate, marriage and enjoy the material benefits it brings. I know some people for whom it works - couples where they've obviously built a solid friendship and mutual respect out of quite businesslike beginnings. Quite a few, however, end up with children they love dearly, but a massive hole in their life where the love for their partner should be - and from talking to them, they come across as much, much more lonely than I get, even on a real downer when I'm ill, DS is going through an awkard patch and there's no-one to help out.

So you have to decide (and only you can do this) whether you're an incurable romantic or a pragmatist. Either way, I don't see much of a future in your current relationship. He's clearly not a good bet for a long term deeply loving and committed relationship. And if you are a pragmatist and want to go for "marriage to someone suitable for the sake of being married", you have to be utterly ruthless and dump and move on at the first hint of commitment-phobia.

Having a good relationship is SO much more important!! Alot of marriages arent as happy as they appear.

Meh.... I've been unmarried to DP for nearly 8 years and I recommend it very highly! It's really not all it's cracked up to be - if you have a good relationship I'm sure it can be great, but that's the relationship, not the marriage IYSWIM.

Sorry you're wanting something so badly - I know how that feels

The marriage you crave is a fantasy. If you love your BF and him you then work on your relationship. Marriage is about getting through the tough stuff not hearts and flowers. I have been married 29 years.

Chill out - you will be oozing desperation. What is it you want -security? A white dress?

hey, i'm in the same boat too! i'm also 32, desperate and wondering what the hell is wrong with me!

i have just ditched my non-committal boyfriend, which is sad and i feel pretty shite about the future and starting again, but i also have this strong feeling of YES I DID IT, I MADE A STRONG DECISION in me which is pretty empowering.

Very good post Lurcio. I also know of couples in category 2.

I get what you mean about wanting a nice easy ending after a few rough years around 30, OP, I really do. The trouble is life doesn't work like this, or not always, you have to make your own endings. It might fall out of the sky (whether you stick with the current BF or move on) and it might not. You have to be making plans as if it might not - all the same "what do I want out of the next ten years?" stuff you were probably encouraged to do at 22. One thing will be marriage to a wonderful perfect partner etc but I bet there are other things, features of that life that you could be aiming for anyway?

Never married, never wanted it. Been asked by several men. LTR of 25yrs behind me, my choice.

Kids grown up. Have a bloke. Still consider myself single. Love it.

it's the total commitment to another person and to have that complete commitment returned.

I'm 32 and have never been married. Never even got close.

It's not the 'having kids' part as I've done that

I think you've just answered your own question. I don't think it's essential to be married before you have children, but I do think it's pretty important feel a total lifelong commitment to someone and have that commitment returned, if you are going to have children with them.

Lots of people will disagree with me, and say they have done just fine being a single parent by choice. Good for them. But it is undoubtedly very hard to find a man who loves your children as much as he loves you, and so if finding someone who wants marriage is hard then finding someone who wants marriage to you AND YOUR KIDS is three times harder.