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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Love him so much but I know the relationship won't work :-(

17 replies

GratedHead · 18/01/2013 10:58

But I can pretend right? I can pretend I trust him when really, I know he's capable of lying and deceit as he has proven it to me.

I can pretend he loves me just as much as I love him right? even though he's told me many times that he's unsure about the relationship, blows hot and cold on me, drags his heels everytime we're supposedly moving things on?

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I love him so much, I've never loved anyone like this but we have so many problems in our relationship that it would take a miracle for it to work.

I know I should finish it and move on but there is always that glimpse of hope that maybe it WILL work out in the end? and it's bloody hard to ignore.

Does anyone understand? I feel like I'm going crazy.

OP posts:

kalidanger · 18/01/2013 11:08

Yes, I understand

It's crap though. That feeling isn't love, it's barely concealed panic and the feeling the ground is falling away. These emotions are so often confused and it isn't reasonable that they're so similar, but that's life sometimes.

You know what you have to do. And you know that after you've done you'll feel 99% better in approx. 6 weeks

Branleuse · 18/01/2013 11:08

insecure attachment.

There is nothing so enticing and arousing than someone who gives a bit then takes it away, then gives a bit then takes it away.

It will drive you mad. Its not something special about HIM. Its just an emotional headfuck and it is very unlikely to work in the end.
Im really sorry youre going through this, but id suggest not sticking around, no matter how much you want to.

Numberlock · 18/01/2013 11:09

How old are you OP? (Genuine question.)

Scrazy · 18/01/2013 11:15

OP, you have to call it off. He will not make you happy and the highs are not worth the lows.

If you stop contact with him 2 things will happen, you will feel crap for a few weeks and have time to reflect on the relationship. You will amongst the crap feel good that you were brave enough to call it off. After time you will get over him. Time heals everything, give everything time.

He will in the meantime respect you for not allowing him to treat you this way and may even regret that he didn't step up. Never go back, unless he grovels and promises to give you the relationship you want and deserve.

Good luck (3.5 weeks no contact, 1 deleted text message) and counting.

izzyizin · 18/01/2013 11:18

If you have to 'pretend' it's not a relationship, is it? Why not simply face the fact that he's just not that into you and look to find a man who is?

porridgeLover · 18/01/2013 11:25

This isn't love.
It is NOT love.

This is a form of addiction probably born out of your own insecurities and a false belief that you dont deserve better or that you will never have better.

Dump him. He does not deserve you.

dequoisagitil · 18/01/2013 11:29

If you know you're pretending and you've now said it 'out-loud' to us, it's really time to face up to the reality, don't you think?

What you have there is malignant optimism.

Do the strong thing, break it off and cut all contact with him. It'll hurt like a bastard for a while, but long-term it'll lead you to a far happier place.

TheOriginalLadyFT · 18/01/2013 11:29

What porridgelover said. Horrible and painful and (from personal experience) something which could cause you years of emotional pain if you allow it to drag on

It's not love, it really isn't

Pancakeflipper · 18/01/2013 11:30

It's not love. Honestly. It's a feeling of being out of control.

The more he messes you about , the more you react.

Hope you get the strength to end it. It will hurt but worth it in the long run.

grannysapple · 19/01/2013 09:35

OP I would suggest that it's not even a relationship as such.

He has told you and shown you who he is. The first time he acted in a way that made you doubt yourself he was telling you to dump and run because he knows he isn't worthy of you really.

Go completely no contact. Completely. And don't look back, even when you're feeling better.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/01/2013 10:09

Tell me about your father.

thixotropic · 19/01/2013 10:19

< wants to 'like' annie's post >

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2013 11:42

"I know I should finish it and move on but there is always that glimpse of hope that maybe it WILL work out in the end? "

And that glimpse of hope is what's keeping you trapped and it's the part of your character that he will exploit and exploit... grinding what's left of your self-esteem into the dirt in the process. Pretend all you like, delude yourself if you wish, but when you're self-medicating with alcohol or taking prescription drugs because the stress is starting to have physical and mental side-effects you will come to regret it.

We only get one short time on this planet. Don't waste it.

nospace · 19/01/2013 11:51

How old are you OP? How long has he been your boyfriend?

melbie · 19/01/2013 13:52

I know how you feel so much. It is so hard because they have a very fine balance worked out just to keep you hanging on. Have you been on Baggage Reclaim? It is a website that talks all about this. But you are definitely not alone.

overbythere · 19/01/2013 16:28

God I am in exactly your position. I completely empathise with the holding on in the belief that it will become right. It is painful isn't it. Look how many of us have been there. The replies you have been given have inspired me to finally end the 'relationship' I am in.

gingerpig · 19/01/2013 17:06

I know that feeling of hope oh so well, and the way you get to a point where ANY vaguely promising comment about your future together becomes something you cling on to (whilst pushing the reality further and further under the carpet..) I found I had to keep going until I'd run out of reasons to stay together, and it was only then I could make the break. totally agree with everything Scrazy said - you will feel sad, scared, on the shelf etc etc - BUT you will also be so proud of yourself - and that feeling is priceless and worth feeling short-term-shite for. you know that deep down don't you? - you just don't want to go there yet.

good luck - you'll get there. don't be too hard on yourself.

Flip