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Original poster

Advice with husbands Internet dating please!

53 replies

RedBunny · 18/01/2013 10:37

Howdy, first ever post and I wish it was a happy one!! However, having read advice on here before I think it would help me.
Before my husband and I were married I discovered he had joined some dating sites and was chatting and swapping pictures with girls on his phone. He promised to never do it again and we got married, had a baby, I felt like I'd forgiven him.
We've argued a bit lately and gone to counselling. He was weird last night and said he had to work late, but one of his colleagues had no idea what he would be doing. I just felt wrong about it- this is what he used to say. So I signed into his email account he used for chatting last time and there was an email to say he'd registered for an adult dating site and another to send him possible matches.
I texted him to ask and he said he'd never heard of it. I sent him a picture I took of the email. He still says he hasn't heard of it and it wasnt him. But the username for the site is very similar to his actual name. I feel like I'm being stupid cuz I want to believe him that someone else must have done it, but I feel so confused. Can I believe him?

OP posts:
LesBOFerables · 18/01/2013 11:28

The 'g' in gullible is silent, you know...

I don't want to have a go at you, but COME ON!

I understand that it is a heartbreaking thing to face up to- that's why you aren't letting yourself accept the obvious: that he's a lying cheating scumbag. It is hard. But you do need to face this; it won't get any easier to accept next time you catch him. And there will be a next time.

There's lots of support here- but you need to realise what you're dealing with first.

Original poster
RedBunny · 18/01/2013 11:31

We have an 8 month old daughter. I would ask him to go stay somewhere else but he can't cuz he has his son coming to stay for the weekend. Maybe I should try stay somewhere else for a couple days.

OP posts:
garlicblocks · 18/01/2013 11:33

"Shagaholic is an online dating and personals site that aims to give its members the best possible chance of hooking up with someone hot in their area. The site is a partner site to the popular Up For It dating site, and so shares many of the same features and accesses the same membership base."
adult-dating-websites.no1reviews.com/Shagaholic.html

So ... uh-huh, he may not have registered with Up For It but joined one of its partner sites, like the subtly-named Shagaholic, instead.

It doesn't alter the fact that he's signed up for sex encounters, both online and in the flesh. That review says the registration procedure's a bit of a pain, as well, so he had to put some effort into it.

Sorry :(

PeppermintPasty · 18/01/2013 11:33

I don't get that BOF

Numberlock · 18/01/2013 11:37

If you don't want to ask him to leave just yet, do you have somewhere you could go for the weekend with your daughter?

Then when his son goes back to his mum's (Sunday?) you tell him to leave.

Do you own the house together?

dequoisagitil · 18/01/2013 11:44

Maybe he should have put his son's visit ahead of his need to cheat on you? It's not really your problem, is it? Maybe he could go stay with family - I daresay they'd be delighted to have his ds as well.

Did he split up with his ex over his infidelity?

I know you desperately want to keep it together, but he's got no respect for you and if you want a faithful man, he's not it.

BadLad · 18/01/2013 11:50

1) He has a stupid dumb-ass friend who knows his past and his email address and has signed up for him on his behalf without telling him (also, Santa is real....)

Actually, this happened to me once.

Fortunately I came across it before my then fiancee, and told her about it, and was (rightly) believed.

Numberlock · 18/01/2013 11:52

and told her about it

That's the difference though, BadLad. You told her about it...

BadLad · 18/01/2013 11:57

Indeed.

But if she had somehow found out about it before I had, then it wouldn't have sounded very convincing, I don't think.

That probably wasn't the case for the OP's partner, but I just wanted to point out that it can happen.

I still have no idea who did it for me - actually it was a personal in the local paper with my e-mail address. My regular one, that is.

Distrustinggirlnow · 18/01/2013 12:18

OP I'm so sorry to read your post.
Unfortunately I would say that he is lying. What these twunts men do in these situations is deny and delete. Deny they've done it and delete the evidence.
If it were me I would log into the site though the email account and check the profile. I would check his sent mail box and deleted messages box. I would put the email addy into such wonderful sites as marital affairs, illicit encounters, plenty more naughty fish etc etc..... And see if he was a member there too.
Xxx

VenusRising · 18/01/2013 12:24

He's having sex with strangers.
You had better have a sexually transmitted disease test.

And kick the sad sac to touch.

So sorry to hear this, especially as you have a little baby. X

Numberlock · 18/01/2013 12:26

Before my husband and I were married I discovered he had joined some dating sites and was chatting and swapping pictures with girls on his phone

Sorry I misread this the first time round and see now that he actually cheated on you before you got married.

So he has form for this type of thing.

You forgave him once, don't let him take you for a fool a second time.

debtherat · 18/01/2013 13:00

The one my husband signed up to Was No Strings Attached. The whole phenomenon surprises me .. can't believe they are real women taking the risk of being f**ked by some man who might be a charming psychopath. Beggars belief that people take such risks. I've just led a v. sheltered life obviously!

My OH said he signed up out of loneliness, wondering what was out there.

Original poster
RedBunny · 18/01/2013 14:32

debtherat, what happened in the end?
He is very very insistent that he knows nothing about it. I have been looking closer and I believe he has not done anything lately, but the issue is that he did sign up right? That is a problem.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 18/01/2013 14:56

What is your gut telling you in terms of whether he is guilty and in terms of whether your marriage is over?

Original poster
RedBunny · 18/01/2013 14:59

I don't know what to do. I mean, even if by some weird crazy disaster he really doesn't know anything about it, clearly I don't trust him. Or I would just believe him rather than be questioning it right?

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 18/01/2013 15:11

There's your answer.

Can you live with a lying cheat?

trustissues75 · 18/01/2013 15:43

Badlad

Sorry you have such a twunty friend! I put it down because it IS possible, but since this man has form I thought the odds of it being a possibility were extremely slim.

debtherat · 18/01/2013 16:21

He admitted it - there were numerous emails inviting him to get himself a local hotty. I wasn't able to check for responses. He assured me he only looked, never followed up. He unsubscribed in front of me.... but as this is all in a personal email account.. no further access. He also changed the password sharpish - remotely through his Iphone when he realised I was onto him.

This was not the only thing - see my thread "Where does the love go?" I also found presents, a love letter, a password protected poem and a posting on Facebook about an inspirational new friend... all this following the admission of an EA.

Doha · 18/01/2013 16:56

Oh god this man has no respect for you or his DD.

You need to see him for what he is --a liar and a cheat who has probably put the health of his DD's mother at risk
You need to get away from him--if he won't leave then can you go to family or friends to get your head straight.
Both your original post and your other thread are deal breakers for me.

SirBoobAlot · 18/01/2013 17:03

This man is a prize arsehole. He cheated on you before you were married, and is betting on that forgiving side of you to be able to squirm his way out of it this time.

SueFawley · 18/01/2013 17:18

No wonder you can't trust him, because he's proved that he can't be trusted. He couldn't be trusted even before you married. I do wonder why so many women think that a man will change for the better when he's married. If a man can't behave himself before he's married, when he thinks his GF is his dream woman and is head over heels, he certainly will not behave himself after he's married and the inevitable drudgery sets in.
Sorry that you find yourself in this horrid situation but believe me, if you don't get rid now, you'll be back soon enough reporting that he's doing it again.

prelim29 · 18/01/2013 17:35

must be worth computer/laptop history to see if he's visited the site/other sites recently?

badinage · 18/01/2013 17:57

Oh of course he's signed up for no-strings fucks!! And he isn't really at work either.

If he signed up in November, that's why you're in counselling.

If you've slept with him since, go to GUM clinic at the earliest opportunity.

Please don't listen to any more of his lies.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2013 18:01

You have been trying to be a "good wife" for this lying twat ?

If being a "good wife" involves shutting the fuck up about his entitlement to make a mug of you, turning a blind eye to infidelity/attempted infidelity and giving him more and increasingly frantic blow jobs in attempt to keep his sexual interest on you then for god's sake, be a Bad Wife

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