jealousy red flags

[sarahseashell]

Just wanted a bit of help with this one- my exh wasn't ever jealous at all - it was as if no other man would want me, so that's what I'm used to.

Current guy who I've been with about 6 months did ask me how many people I've slept with (I said I wasn't going to discuss that) and said the other day he's unhappy about other people 'chatting me up' (someone had asked me out the night before when I was out on my own.) He also comments that other men fancy me occasionally, when we go out. Are these red flags? What should I look out for/what's 'normal'?

Are you dating Justin Lee Collins?

Yep. I'd be cutting my losses round about now. It won't get better, only worse.

no. he didn't ask me to write in in a notebook/write in his notebook etc! just tried to drop it into a convo. I said that's not an appropriate question and he dropped it

really ltb?

Really. I'd never dream of saying these things to DH. Soon he'll be insisting that you don't go out alone in case someone chats you up, or you'll have a row because he caught you looking at some bloke he thinks fancies you when out.

He should feel proud if he thinks other men fancy you, proud that you're with him and coming home to him and telling him when people ask you out. Not making you feel like its somehow your fault and its wrong.

May sound like an over reaction from me, but my sisters DH is just like this, and its steadily got worse as the years have gone on and now he doesn't give a shit who sees him act this way. Last year he flipped at my mums birthday party because she dared to dance with her sisters and nephew who's friend was with him. Stormed home and everything.

Just keep your wits about you and take no shit from him. Your gut is telling you something, don't ignore it. It's rarely wrong.

It's OK for a boyfriend to say that they feel uncomfortable about other men chatting you up. I think that's pretty normal and I'd be more concerned if someone was so laid back that they just didn't care. It's when the jealousy seems to be irrational, excessive that you should be concerned, or if it is used in an accusatory manner or in order to restrict you from doing normal things. That's usually a sign of insecurity in a man, can easily escalate ("I don't like you going out because you might meet men!!") and it's not a good thing.

thanks ltb that's useful. I don't know what's 'normal' I think He doesn't make me feel like it's my fault or wrong to be fair. It's interesting because I was a bit like this with exh but oddly not any more since exh left for OW, as now I just think what will be will be. Despite liking him I've been ambivalent about our relationship and I'm very open with him about not seeing it as long term so that could be making him feel a bit insecure. Yes probably time to get out really

thanks cogito x-post. That's helpful, yes I always felt with exh that the complete absence of jealously was a little bit odd. It's hard to know with this chap because I don't get to see him often and he's not demanding, he seems quite understanding and kind. I tend to avoid relationships (been lp for a number of years) but they can be useful to learn from I suppose. Am just sort of 'not bothered' if I have one or not I think

How come you don't see it working long term then, sarahseashell?

he wants kids and I don't want any more, basically something2say

I think those comments are pretty normal in the right context. I think couples normally have the how many partners convo at some stage early on. The comment about chatting up sounds ok as long as it wasn't really full on. How did he know you were chatted up while you were out on your own? Did you tell him?

thanks mammadiggindeep yes I told him. It's useful to know, maybe all pretty normal then. I'll have to end it anyway at some point I suppose because of the kids issue. I'm not sure I've ever had a how many partners convo because I'd rather not know, unless it was an extreme either way IYSWIM