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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I wouldn't mind if DH had an sex with someone else...

23 replies

Flickstix · 17/01/2013 19:00

DH and I have been together for 8 years and have 3 DC. We rarely have sex anymore and I was actually thinking today that I wouldn't be bothered if I found out he was having sex with someone else.... I love him & he is my best friend, we are very close and have a happy family life, so why wouldn't I mind him sleeping with another woman, does this mean I'm not in love with him anymore?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 19:08

It means you don't have any sexual feelings towards him. He's a 'friend' rather than a lover. I doubt you'd actually feel particularly good about it if he did have affairs with other women and I expect he may not be feeling all that great about the rare sex-life in return... i.e. something has to give... so maybe it's time to have a fairly honest conversation about where things have gone wrong and try to increase the intimacy in your relationship?

Original poster

Flickstix · 17/01/2013 19:15

Yes you're right, I probably wouldn't feel great about it but I wouldn't be totally devastated like I would have been a few years ago. Him having emotional intimacy with another woman would devastate me more than sexual intimacy.

Is this just what happens in a lot of marriages after a while? I find myself attracted to other men, just not DH. He is good looking and has a great body but there is zero sensuality and he literally pays me no attention sexually.

I don't want to end the marriage, that is the last thing I want.

OP posts:

meditrina · 17/01/2013 19:16

So, you might not mind the brief ins and outs of actual sex.

But is your DH likely to have an emotion-free liaison? How would you feel about him professing love to someone else? Spending his time and effort planning meetings with her? Being with her at a time when you might have wanted him at home? When you no longer have primacy in his emotional life?

izzyizin · 17/01/2013 19:18

If you don't pay attention to the sexual side of your marriage, there's a possibility you won't have any choice about ending it.

Numberlock · 17/01/2013 19:21

Be careful what you wish for.

VBisme · 17/01/2013 19:23

Exactly what happened to my first husband and I, we're no longer together, but both very happy.

I can still see that he's attractive, he just didn't attract me anymore (but we had no kids so it was an easy split).

Original poster

Flickstix · 17/01/2013 19:25

I'm not hoping it will happen, I just worried that my feeling towards DH have changed as the thought of it happening doesn't effect me as much as it used to. I have tried to become more intimate with him, if I initiate sex he always responds if I don't initiate we just don't have sex.

OP posts:

badinage · 17/01/2013 19:26

Why do you think your husband would be able to have sex without emotional intimacy? Because he's a man? Because you can?

Getting your kicks outside the marriage only ever works if both people are able to detach sex from feelings - and if the people they're having sex with are exactly the same. Otherwise, someone somewhere always ends up getting hurt.
Wouldn't it be less messy to address your sex life as a couple?

AnAirOfHope · 17/01/2013 19:29

How would you feel about him asking you to move out so he can move his new lover and best friend in?

That he only talks to you about the children?

How often do you see your friends?

Original poster

Flickstix · 17/01/2013 19:33

I don't really have many friends, I have a good friend who I see about once a week but that's it, DH is best friend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flickstix · 17/01/2013 19:37

DH is pretty happy with the way things are from what he's said. I know he didn't sleep with his ex for a year before they split up and he says he didn't really mind.

OP posts:

CajaDeLaMemoria · 17/01/2013 19:44

Of course he didn't mind. He wasn't sleeping with her because the relationship was ending. It's the natural first step in ending things.

I think you have two choices. Things can continue as they are but your husband may leave you for someone else, or repeatedly cheat on you, or you might find yourself lusting over someone else. You might even find yourself sleeping with someone else, and wanting to live with them.

Or you can try and introduce intimacy back into this. What would put you more in the mood? You might have to encourage yourself at first, but the more you have sex, the more you want it. It may be that this is a temporary hurdle you need to get over.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 19:55

What you're experiencing is emphatically not normal. Couples can have periods where sex is less frequent rather than more frequent... life gets in the way etc. But when there is no intimacy, no physical affection and no spark whatsoever then you have a bit of a problem. Especially if you're starting to think that maybe it would be OK if he had other lovers. That's simply absenting yourself from a very important emotional part of your relationship

worsestershiresauce · 17/01/2013 20:08

OP you need to address this one as very few people are happy to settle into a near sexless future. He sounds like a decent man, who wouldn't dream of pressurising you, but that doesn't mean he is happy with the situation. Affairs often start with an emotional connection before a sexual relationship starts, so don't be so sure that he would stay with you for the friendship and go elsewhere for sex. He is more likely to find both with someone else.

Original poster

Flickstix · 17/01/2013 20:11

What should I say to him? I'm not very good at this kind of thing and always end up saying the wrong thing.

OP posts:

worsestershiresauce · 17/01/2013 22:15

I'm not sure there is right thing to say, or if there is I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know what it was. What I do know is that sometimes things get to this point where intimacy goes due to a lack of communication. It is all to easy to live with someone, but get bogged down with the minutiae of life to the point where you end up living amicable but parallel lives.

You say he is your best friend. Do you tell him this? Do you do the little things we all do with a new partner - call him, text him, thank him when he does something for you, show him love and appreciation? A hundred people will jump on me and say 'ahhh well does he do that for you?'.... but sometimes it takes one to start the ball rolling.

My advice would be to hold off on the big conversations, and avoid counselling like the plague. Instead invest time and effort in your relationship again. Do things together, make each other laugh, be kind to each other, have some fun. Get a babysitter once a week and have a night out, dress up, flirt, enjoy yourself. If you can't rekindle the spark at least you can say you tried.

My DH and I didn't communicate for years, and I went off sex too. We got it back, as at the end of the day we love each other and like you guys are best friends. In my case it took the shock of his affair to start us talking. He felt rejected, unwanted, and unable to make me happy. I felt the same. Whereas I retreated into myself he went looking for 'it' elsewhere. Neither of us our proud of this period in our life, and I really recommend you don't leave things so long you risk the same.

TwoFacedCows · 17/01/2013 22:27

my husband DOES shag other women! I LOVE watching and joining in!

badinage · 17/01/2013 22:31

That's nice for you dear.....

Any advice for the OP though?

debtherat · 18/01/2013 04:18

Hi You sound v. much like me and OH - wish I could backtrack and show him the love that was always there but unspoken, lost in minutiae of daily life. I know face losing him as a husband and as a best friend of 25 years. The right OW reciprocating - emotionally and sexually - may offer too much of a chance for happiness to refuse or set him on the path to happiness. Be kind to him, make your best effort to see him as the one he was when you first got together.

allgoodindahood · 18/01/2013 04:40

This happened to dh and I for a while. I really didn't miss the sex but I missed the people we were who would've definitely missed the sex iyswim. One day I just told him that we will be having sex once a week whether we like it or not! I think that was prompted by an article I read in The Times where a couple set themselves a challenge to have sex everyday for a year and it helped their marriage a lot. So dh and I would diarise our sex life, book slots with each other, really make an effort to bonk once a week, although often we really didn't want to, we just did it and intimacy grew from there. Now we have childcare sorted we will be taking the odd day annual leave together to have lunch, see a matinee, art gallery, sit in the park or whatever. Our marriage/relitionship needs this time. Op its clear that you love your husband and value your marriage, why not make a decision to kick start your love life. It might be awkward at first but just do it, you won't regret it!

Distrustinggirlnow · 18/01/2013 07:37

But OP, how will you feel when you're best friend lies to you. How will you feel when he takes his phone into the bathroom with him in the mornings. How will you feel when he has to work late or there are charges on his bank statement that you can't account for.
Or he is distant from you....
How will that make you feel OP...?
This, and others will be able to add lots more, is what you get when your DH has sex with someone else.
I urge you to take some of the excellent advice up thread re getting your relationship back on track.
We go away for the odd night now and spend much more time together.
You can be best friends and have amazing sex......
Talk to him, spoil him, make him feel loved and wanted because if you don't I'm sorry to say there are plenty who would. In return he will make you feel loved and valued.
Wishing you all the best x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2013 07:46

"What should I say to him?"

Say you're worried that you're drifting apart. That you love him and worry that the physical intimacy is going out of your relationship. Ask if he's noticed it as well, if it bothers him, and talk about ideas how you can get more time together as a couple to just be a couple.... not just 'Mum and Dad' prioritising everyone and everything higher than their own relationship.

Good luck

AgathaF · 18/01/2013 08:24

You imply that he doesn't initiate sex? Perhaps he's really not that interested anyway, in which case, if you are both happy with the status quo, there shouldn't be a problem. I think you do need an honest chat though to make sure that that is the case, and not that he doesn't initiate purely because he thinks you won't want it. Just one partner withdrawing from sex is a recipe for problems.

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