Need to loosen ties with mum

[marialuisa]

Sorry, in advance, for what will probably be a long, rambling post! All comments gratefully received.

My mum (at her own instigation) chose to follow us "up north" with her current husband and 2 kids. I've been grateful as she has filled in the gaps in my chldcare, and DD absolutely worships her. However, that marriage has finaly broken down and she intends to move back in April?may. The prob. is that she intends to move back in with ex step-dad (husband 2&3) who is a violent alcoholic. TBH she's always had some connection with him and she's unable to function without a man in her life. However, ex-stepdad hates my guts with a passion, beat the crap out of me as a kid (mum used to get me involved in their rows) and expected me to sub their lifestyle (I have student debts because I was expected to borrow the money to give to them). Oddly enough, i'm not prepared to have any contact with him, and esp don't want him near DD. Mum has said i'm being hysterical and selfish as DD is so close to her and my 3 year old sister. I really have to stick to my guns here, and TBH DH wouldn't tolerate DD having any contact with ex-stepdad.

So, how do I get DD used to severely reduced contact? We have sorted out a childminder for half-term, but until i pass my driving test DD will go to mum after school once a week. Should I stop seeing mum at the w/e? Similarly DD is going to start ballet class this w/e. Sis is desperate to come to but I haven't told mum yet as I think maybe it would be better for DD to go without my sis? Any advice?

Marialuisa - So sorry to hear you're going through all this. Parts of your post could have been written by me, although in the case of my my mum's dp he has never needed alcohol as an excuse to be nasty.

I didn't want my two sons to go anyway near the man. I don't get on particularly well with my mum but my boys adore her. Our arrangement is that if/when she wants to see them she either comes here (without dp) or I meet her somewhere else (again without dp). Could you not try a similar arrangement? That way they still get to see your mum but you don't have to live in fear that this man will lash out at your children and hurt them.

I think you should continue with the plans for the ballet classes. It's a good opportunity to keep up contact with your sister. As it is in a public place your mum's ex-dh is unlikely to make a scene. HTH

You're being hysterical and selfish????

Actually it sounds as if the person who's going to come out of this worst is your sister - having to live with this man. Has your mum thought about that?

Roscoe's advice re meeting up with your mum sounds good. Not sure about the ballet - I can see what you mean about starting the separation process now but it seems a bit hard on your sister.

Awful situation, marialuisa.

Should explain, they will be moving about 200 miles away so will not be able to see them that regularly. Her moving in with ex complicates this as we will not be able to go and stay with her, it will be daytrips only.

Sis isn't ex's child but bro is. Mum thinks all will be fine, but that's my mum for you. I ended up taking responsibilty for bro when i was 17 as mum wasn't coping, it kills me that I'm going to have to "let go" even further as i've had this thing about showing him (and sis) that you don't have to live the way their parents do. But the time has come to accept that mum isn't interested in actually "doing" anything to help him, she just wants a magic wand waved (whilst still retainingher image of herself as the best mum in the world!)

Hi Marialuisa, I really sympathise with you. My mother is in total denial about what her husband did and has done to me and my siblings. Shortly (very shortly!) after my daughter was born, I terminated any contact with both of them. (My mother took a 'you can have both of us, or neither of us in your life' kind of stance.) I decided that a/ I don't want him (dangerous without the need of drink) anywhere near my DD, myself, or my husband. b/ I don't want my mother, who is incapable of seeing the monster she exposed us to for years, for what he is; anywhere near us either.
I have to admit, I toyed with the idea of allowing her access to us, but then realised that she never has and never wil be able to put myself or my daughter first, in fact, I realised that she would possibly endanger my daughter as she did us. Physically and emotionally, I mean I would have ensured my step father was never able to get near my daughter, but I was concerned for the likelyhood of my mother damaging my daughter emotionally, as she tried to do (and in some respects has succeded in doing) to myself and my siblings.
I have to say, now, a couple of years later, I am much much happier without either of them in my life, or those of my family. No regrets!
I know our situations are different in many respects, and I don't envy you in carrying out the decision you've made. I suppose the main thing I learnt about becoming a mum, something I never saw my mum carry out as part of her role; is that I'm here to protect my daughter, above all else. (Not intending to patronise, this is really how the realisation hit me!)
Now I'm really going on! Anyway, I wish I could offer some sort of advice, but I've not been in this particular situation, as contact was ended with them so early on in my DD's life. But, I can offer support , and wish you luck.
(Sorry this is so long!)

Cheers for the replies. Have decided to take the girls to ballet together and gradually lessen w/e contact. Hopefully DD will be ok by the time they move and have accepted going to the childminder rather than mum in the hols.