Practicalities of splitting up

[BrittaPerry]

Ok. On Friday we (me, DH and two DDs) will travel through to my parents house as DH has a job interview in that town. We all plan to move to the town.

Except I don't think I want to live wih him.

So, while I am deciding that, what are the steps I need to take if we do split?

I would need to claim benefits, we currenly claim a small a,ont if HB and tax credits.

I can stay with my parents with the kids for a short while if need be.

Concentrating on practical stuff :-(

I presume you've not mentioned this to your husband yet?

Why do you not want to live with him? Sorry you are feeling this way

I have, we've talked and talked and got nowhere. :-(

Oh, I should mention that I have a long term health issue that needs farily heavy duty medication - I'm nearly due a new prescription so can get that tomorrow, then I have six weeks till I get the next one, but any new GP woukd probably want n extra good checkup before prescribing, so I would need to get a move on with that. It is a mental illness - stable now, but stress could bring it back, in which case I would need fairly quik access to specialist help. So that needs to be a priority I think.

my previous thread, from a few weeks go

Sorry to hear about your health problems.

Except I don't think I want to live wih him

Is now the best time to be making long-term decisions for your future, you don't sound 100% certain that this is what you want? It's good that you're moving back to be nearer to your parents as (hopefully!) they will be able to offer you lots of support.

You asked about the practical side of things - do you own a property? How old are your daughters and would they need to change schools when you move towns?

We rent, and they are home educated.

My health problems are very long term - this is the most well I have been for nearly the entire relationship (7 years). I think it is the getting better that is giving me the confidence to say what I want.

I'm thinking f packing some essentials (documents, birth certificates, sentimental things) and taking them ith us without him noticing. If we split, I will have those things, if we don't, I can quietly return them.

Would you like to give us some information on the reasons for the split?

I'm pleased to hear that you are going through a good spell, health-wise.

I think I just don't love him. He drinks more than me, but just at home or in local pubs (about four nights a week) whereas I drink less but do more exciting stuff like politics, art, etc. i home educate the kids, love it when they come into my bed, look for exciting ways to teach them new things or do new activities. DH shouts at them and is a lot stricter and less involved. We both work part tme (although he is much nearer to full time, 30 hours to my 8) and when he is in charge of the kids alone he just plops em in front of the tv. He does do a lot more housework than me, we have different standards.

I'm happy to eat simple but reasonably healthy food so I spend less time cooking and more time with the kids, he seems to think it vital that he cooks elaborate meals and bans me and the kids from the kitchen all the time he is cooking. He gets really annoyed if I cook something simple instead of reheating something he has frozen. For example, I had planned eggs on toast for lunch, but he bought tortillas, sour cream, cheese and defrosted some chilli he had made without even asking me, then sulked when I said I wouldn't have time to cook fajitas for me and the kids, considering the kids woukd on,h eat tiny bits. Yesterday when I went out in the snow at 8am to get bread, milkand his newspaper while he moaned about having to get out of bed and sit in his dressing gown with the kids when he was hungover, I saw some oatso simple in the bargain short date section and got some. When I arrived back, all he did was moan that I was wasting money.

It's all little things like that, but I'm sick of it :-(. This is him being nice, too, he has been much, much worse. He always promises to change, but that lasts till next time he gets drunk and I say the wron g thing, then he is back to shouting and slamming doors.

Health wise, it is almost certain to be a permanent improvement. As long as I stick on the meds, get sleep and exercise and don't have too much stress, I should be absolutely fine. There is just that slightly higher than average possibility of getting ill, and if I do get ill, what would be a short burst of depression in most people would be more serious with me.

britta do you think living with him contributes to mh issues - it did with me, I am stress induced too, and since divorce depression has lifted.

Well, I'm well a the moment, and have been for two years. But last time I was in hospital we had been going to Relate just before that after he cheated on me and announced he was an alcoholic (he has since denied this, I think he has general self control issues rather than booze issues) and was generally being a twat.

The relapse before that was when I got sick of him saying that his needs were more important and he had to unwind in the pub because he worked out of the home (I earned the same from home), so I put th kids in nursery and got a job. It was partially the high pressure job, but also him insisting that his job was more important (even though he did less hours and ot paid less) as it was more secure, and if tge baby woke him he just shouted at her, so I was staying up half the night with a teething baby. Not surprisingly, I ended up on a massive manic episode, which he took as confirmation that his work was more important.

Before that, it was six and two threes, I was drinking too much but he was drinking more, and he was drinking every night whereas I was just drinking when we had a babysitter, it was all just endless mess. We were very outrageous because we thought it looked cool, and I just didn't ever think about consequences.

People did keep asking me if I needed help to get away from his temper, and apparently it did say on our social services file that I was very unwell but essentially was trying to be a good mum, but to watch out for DH as he could be uncooperative and angry. (We have no dealings with any services like that now, that was just from a time when I was hearing voices etc and in and out of hospital)

I wasn't stable before I even met DH - lots of self harm and silly risky behaviour - and then I nearly died having DD1, so it is very hard to say what caused what. All I know for sure is that I am now 2 years into the most stable time since childhood and that Lamotrigine is a miracle drug :-). You wouldn't even know there was anything unusual about me now

That is so good to hear! Sounds like you were suited when you were both young and bonkers, but then the Captain Sensible years come...

Ok...I need strength...I've written out some proposals for kids, money etc after we split. Pretty sure he still doesn't beleive I'm serious. This could be what sparks his anger, or it could make him accept it...

Ok, so I actually plucked up the courage...

Told him I am leaving

You might want to join us on this very supportive thread, the EA thread...