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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know it's not Friday but I need help

12 replies

stuckinthepast1099 · 16/01/2013 13:50

Sorry if this comes out all muddled up. Maybe it's because I feel all muddled up in my head.

I have a lovely, wonderful Dh. He's a good dad. He gets up with the dc, puts them to bed and gives me a decent amount of 'me time'. I often feel I don't deserve him. I've had depression in the past and struggle a lot of the time with anxiety and he's always there for me.

13 years ago I went out with someone for a couple of months. I ended up with a broken heart, messed up my A levels, ended up at a different uni to the one I was aiming for, depression on and off for years. It's like I can trace my life going off track to that one moment.

Usually I try and brush it off. He's an ex. It wasn't meant to be. I put the thinking about him down to actually just missing that stage of my life where everything was going well and I had my whole life ahead of me.

Part of me knows it's stupid to think about him at all. I have a good life. I have a lovely husband, great children, had a good career pre-dc and there's plenty to look forward to. But it's like he's stuck in my head. I just want to forget him but it just won't disappear.

And now to the biggie. I just can't stand Dh touching me. Every time he does it I think about the ex because (and I feel like a cow for saying this) Dh just isn't as good. Don't get me wrong everything else (full sex, oral, etc.) is better but it's this one thing. It seems to be really getting to me at the moment and I can't seem to stop it spiralling.

FFS someone shout at me for being so stupid.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 14:06

Is thinking about your childhood boyfriend a recent thing or has it been a feature of your whole marriage? Ditto your dislike of your DH touching you.... recent or consistent?

stuckinthepast1099 · 16/01/2013 14:08

The thinking about him has been a long term thing (though I always found it happened more when I was feeling low).

The dislike of Dh touching me is recent. Probably since New Year.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 14:12

Makes sense that you hark back to a simpler time, 'lost youth' etc when you're feeling low. I think most of us indulge in nostalgia from time to time. But the touching thing being recent.... has anything particuarly changed in your relationship/life from that time? Was Xmas different to normal? Do you think you may be entering another period of depression? Any triggers, basically.

stuckinthepast1099 · 16/01/2013 14:21

Xmas was the best one we've ever had. Similarly we did something for new year for the first time in years. It was all good, which is maybe what makes it feel worse iykwim.

I've been a bit stressed as dc2's sleep was bad just after new year (not been driving, which is always a warning sign) but have cut back on things and given myself a bit of extra time to relax. My grandma is ill too which could be a trigger I suppose. It's not sure what is wrong with her but it's obvious she's unwell and we are very close.

I feel more anxious than depressed tbh.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 16/01/2013 14:25

I'm confused by your title. What does Friday have to do with anything?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 14:28

Sex is always bad when there's any anxiety in the mix. Have you talked to him about the way you feel? Not mentioning the ex I wouldn't suggest.... but, if the way he touches you sets you on edge and he's doing it wrong, maybe he needs some gentle guidance?

stuckinthepast1099 · 16/01/2013 14:29

AKiss - threads about sex usually appear on a Friday night. Ok maybe this one's a bit tame but I couldn't think of a title

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 14:29

@AKiss... Friday on MN is sex-day. I think!

AKissIsNotAContract · 16/01/2013 14:31

Ahh I thought Friday was bumsex day, sorry.

stuckinthepast1099 · 16/01/2013 14:33

I've tried gentle guidance and shouting in frustration guidance and it'll be fine for a couple of times then it goes back to the beginning Sad. I think I'm crap at teaching.

OP posts:
snoopdogg · 16/01/2013 16:56

Ahh - you mean touching touching........

How big a part of your foreplay is it and how important is it to you?

izzyizin · 16/01/2013 18:04

You're not crap at teaching, honey; he's crap at touching a slow learner.

Have you given him 'guidance' hours/days before you intend to have sex? As in charting your erogenous zones and explaining the need for them to be delicately/firmly stimulated prior to intercourse in order that you can enjoy maximum satisfaction from the act?

Note to AKiss: you're not wrong. Traditionally, Friday is catholicbumsex day on certain boards including this one. On the other six days it's a case of any sex if you can get it goes Grin

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