Sorry if this comes out all muddled up. Maybe it's because I feel all muddled up in my head.
I have a lovely, wonderful Dh. He's a good dad. He gets up with the dc, puts them to bed and gives me a decent amount of 'me time'. I often feel I don't deserve him. I've had depression in the past and struggle a lot of the time with anxiety and he's always there for me.
13 years ago I went out with someone for a couple of months. I ended up with a broken heart, messed up my A levels, ended up at a different uni to the one I was aiming for, depression on and off for years. It's like I can trace my life going off track to that one moment.
Usually I try and brush it off. He's an ex. It wasn't meant to be. I put the thinking about him down to actually just missing that stage of my life where everything was going well and I had my whole life ahead of me.
Part of me knows it's stupid to think about him at all. I have a good life. I have a lovely husband, great children, had a good career pre-dc and there's plenty to look forward to. But it's like he's stuck in my head. I just want to forget him but it just won't disappear.
And now to the biggie. I just can't stand Dh touching me. Every time he does it I think about the ex because (and I feel like a cow for saying this) Dh just isn't as good. Don't get me wrong everything else (full sex, oral, etc.) is better but it's this one thing. It seems to be really getting to me at the moment and I can't seem to stop it spiralling.
FFS someone shout at me for being so stupid.