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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH doesnt want to be with me anymore after 32 years.

22 replies

fatnfrumpy · 15/01/2013 21:56

Things haven't been great between us for about 4years.
we argue daily and he says I nag- which I do.
I thought we would be together for ever!
He retired four years ago and we now work together running a business which I started 7 years ago.
Unfortunatly I constantly tell him it,s my business and like to have control. telling our customers he is my skivvy! Meant in jest but I guess he has heard it once too often.
He worked as an MD for over 20 years on a 6 figure sum and now we do not have to "earn" a living from the business
We havent got on for months as I felt invaded by being with him 24/7 and we don,t do anything apart, even shopping.
Our kids have all left home so we are just the two of us day in day out, We eat out three/four days a week and have 7 weeks holiday per year.
I live a charmed life I know that but despite this suffer from depression.
He has he can't stand the thought of this for another 30 years, we are not quite 50 yet.
I love him desperatly, only man I have ever loved.
I know I am horrible to live with, moody, aggressive but thought we were soulmates. I thought he loved me warts and all.
How can things have got this far and yet we still have a fantastic lovelife.
I don't think I could live on my own without him.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2013 21:59

Was it a definite 'I'm leaving' or is he telling you this so that you change your attitude towards him?

Original poster

fatnfrumpy · 15/01/2013 22:04

He wants us to go our seperate ways, sell the main house and split the remaining, we have rental properties.
Decide who runs the business etc.
We spoke about it for an hour last night when I went to bed in tears.
Made small talk all day today, I spent the afternoon in bed feighting a headache but just wanted to cry alone.

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 15/01/2013 22:14

How old is your DH?

From observing my parents and PILs retirement is a massive change on an individual level and most relationships seem to suffer.

Would your DH agree to couples councilling?

If he is young enough coukd he go back to work? It really isn't healthy being together 24/7.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2013 22:14

Then I'm sorry it's ended. If you can't make it a good marriage perhaps you can make it a good split? If you have a history of depression, be conscious of any returning symptoms and see your GP in good time. Do you have friends or family that you can be with? Is anyone planning to leave the house?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/01/2013 22:20

There's a big difference between loving someone 'warts and all' and being with someone who behaves towards them the way you have described you do to him.

I can understand that it's been a shock for you that he has decided he won't take it any more but I'm afraid I think you need to let him go, and do it with dignity.

On the plus side it sounds like you are both in a good financial position and he is willing to be reasonable about the properties and business. I think for both your sakes you need to assist in making the split as quick and painless as possible.

BettySuarez · 15/01/2013 22:22

Could you not try counselling OP?

Have you admitted to him what you have said to us about acknowledging your behaviour?

He may just feel that he is suffocating and needs to escape but counselling and/or a trial separation might be the answer

Callyfornication · 15/01/2013 22:25

Were you a SAHM before starting this business? Have you ever had anything to focus on of your own? I don't think it's unusual that you're possessive about the business, if not. Counselling, perhaps, if he's willing to try?

HollyBerryBush · 15/01/2013 22:29

Well, if what you posted is a true account, you've spent a lot of time recently emasculating him and putting him down. I'm not surprised he's had a enough.

MrsBrrrr · 15/01/2013 22:40

How were things before he retired? What plans did he have for his retirement? From what you write you are both still in your forties; very young to be financially comfortable AND retired.

Not sure what I am trying to say. I can see why you would feel invaded by being with him 24/7. What did he want from his retirement though? Wouldn't a part-time consultancy role, or a business of his own, or something that gave him his own focus have been a good idea? Why didn't you talk about it all four years ago? Or did you?

Iceaddict · 15/01/2013 22:59

Really sorry to read this, sounds like you've got some things to sort out, if he is willing to, then do try couples counselling. It will be hard and you'll have to sit and listen to him say all the things he is unhappy about but it can be good to get it all out and start to rebuild things. Wishing you both the best of luck with everything

Snazzynewyear · 15/01/2013 23:07

OK, so the change in your lifestyles his retirement brought about really hasn't worked well for you, from what you say about timings. Would he consider a plan where you sort out a different occupation for him so he doesn't have to work with/for you? I can see your point about feeling claustrophobic when you are together all day too but it sounds as if what you might have thought was trivial and light-hearted has been much more serious for him.

Could you arrange a reasonable period of time where you are apart just to get a breather, and maybe agree not to make any final decisions in the meantime? It sounds as though you could both really do with some space, and the pressure is not helping with all this. If you both have 7 weeks' holiday a year could one of you take some of that now and go away?

Original poster

fatnfrumpy · 16/01/2013 00:25

Thank you for your replies.
This all started just before xmas when I felt bullied by my DH and youngest DD. I don't know how to link the thread that I posted in AIBU.
We have just had a talk.
He loves me but doesn't like me!
He said he said it to shock me and has no intention of leaving me.
I will suggest some councelling for us though my Dh is so self assured I doubt he would discuss his feelings with a 3rd party.
I was a SAHM for over twenty years and my business is the only thing other than my three kids that I have achieved in life.

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 16/01/2013 00:43

So you aren't breaking up!

I think couples therapy would be a great idea and you never know he might open up.

Is there anyway that you could (nicely) sack him from your business? I would kill DH if we worked together.

He needs to be concentrating on his own retirement and developing new hobbies and pastimes. That way you can both bring something interesting to talk about at the end of the day.

Good luck x

Damash12 · 16/01/2013 00:51

Ok so the initial anger and quick decisions have calmed down and he isn't leaving which is great but now it has got this far you need to make some big decisions so it doesn't get to this stage again. A) you need to stop treating him badly ... Or he will go eventually! Are you doing this out of resentment though?? Ie since his retirement and involvement in your business?? Or do you see it as an intrusion rather than help?? Let's put it this way, if I worked with my dh, I would go completely crazy and dh has had periods out of work and it does drive you mad being together constantly. You don't sound like you need the help so make the decision you no longer work together. Send him bloody golfing or set up his own business but get out of each others pockets and start to miss each other a bit and get the respect back for him.

deleted203 · 16/01/2013 00:53

I am very pleased to see that your marriage ISN'T over, particularly as you were so devastated, but could I suggest that you see this as a wake up call? I don't know all the problems, but based on your OP it is clear that there are things that YOU could do alone to improve things, eg stop nagging, stop putting him down, stop telling him its 'your' business. I think it would be better, certainly, for you not to work together and can see that you are proud of what you've achieved with the business. But it doesn't seem as though you gave any thought to how he would adjust after being an MD for 20 years. Certainly spending 4 years being emasculated and jeered at to customers by his wife won't have been a happy time. If you continue in this vein then he WILL go - sooner rather than later. Good luck.

MrsBrrrr · 16/01/2013 01:04

I think this is your previous thread

There's more going on than this current thread suggests, OP, isn't there? Reading that previous thread (that I've linked to above) your DH and DD3 sound quite difficult, and very disrespectful of you.

wednesdaygirl · 16/01/2013 01:29

Can i ask why he retired so young?
Your both nearly 50 thats very young

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 16/01/2013 01:37

I've read your other thread too.

First thing you need to do is sort the business out. It is your business, if you need help - hire someone. If he needs something to do - he can either get a job, a part time job or start his own business.

He sounds like a bit of an arse to be honest - are you sure you want to be with him?

tallwivglasses · 16/01/2013 01:43

I was horrified by your last thread. I'd be tempted to take him up on his offer and tell him to find someone else to be his whipping post.

perfectstorm · 16/01/2013 19:18

After reading your other thread I can only say that he sounds a bully. And if he is threatening you with divorce to make you do as he wants, he's a manipulative bully at that.

BettySuarez · 16/01/2013 19:25

I also think that your other thread throws a whole different light on this

RabidCarrot · 16/01/2013 19:32

Reading this and your other thread I think you need this marriage to be over ASAP (and your Daughter is a brat)

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