Please, help me

[LostAndNeverFound]

My father in law passed away suddenly at the weekend, he was abroad and we got a phone call to say he had been taken ill. So me, my husband and his brother and sisters got the first flight to where he was. I have two children, who I took to my mums.

The day after we arrived, his life support was turned off, it was heartbreaking but I needed to be strong for my inlaws (youngest brother in law is only 16) and they all still live at home with the exception of my husband.

We were away for three days, in those three days I had 6 hours sleep, and only nibbles of food. I'm also 27 weeks pregnant. It was such an emotional time and all I wanted to do was hold my husband. But I couldn't. They're Pakistani Muslims, and over 20 friends and family travelled to say goodbye, so I didn't get any time alone with him.

I was everybody's rock, everyone was distraught as to be expected. So was I, I've visited them at least 4 times a week for the last 6 years.

Fast forward to yesterday, they all flew out to Pakistan to bury my father in law, I've stayed home with the children and I'm looking after things this end. They'll be gone for at least 6 weeks.

I decided it would be a good idea to have a check up with the midwife, I went in straight away, baby is fine, I'm severely dehydrated and my heart rate has risen, she wants me to go in on a drip as the ketones in my urine are just above borderline. I promised to eat and drink and relax and go in in two days if things don't improve.

So now to tonight. I have an emotional phone call to my husband, and decided it would be a nice idea to find some photos of his dad and print them off. His old phone is in the kitchen drawer, unlocked but with no sim just a memory card. I put the memory card on my laptop and there it is, hundreds of porn photos and videos in amongst photos of our children, our wedding day, his family.

There were also photos of girls that didn't look like they were downloaded, it looks like he was there with them. So I've now come to the conclusion he's cheated as well.

What a cliche, how did I not know he was looking at these things. To me, porn is cheating, I hate it, it's degrading and disgusting. Not to mention completely against our religion.

The most shameful thing is I text him to say I'd found them, he's buried his dad today and I'm doing stupid things like that.

I'm lost, I'm angry, I'm heartbroken, I'm betrayed, I'm exhausted, and now I'm back to square one, can't eat, can't sleep, can't drink.

What do I do now? I've been with him for 6 years, his family are my best friends, my girls mean the world to them all and they love me so much.

Sorry for the epic post, I have no one to talk to (normally his sisters as they're my closest friends, but I can't burden them with this).

I have so many friends and family nearby all offering to help me through losing my father in law, yet I feel so alone.

I will read all of your replies, but I may not be able to reply until tomorrow, to top it off my two year old has a sickness bug and is next to me in bed.

[LostAndNeverFound]

No his brother doesn't know, my H doesn't know his brother called me.

Yes you're right about that, and I know it's all his doing, I think I should have just waited for it all to settle down a bit. It's done now though, and he's the one that has to deal with it.

I really wanted to spend some precious time with my two DD's over the next few weeks, but I've started getting snappy today and shouted at both of them for no reason. I feel so sorry for them, it's a big change for them and I'm making it worse.

Not only have they lost their grandad but their dad, grandma, aunties and uncles are all gone too. We see my IL's about 4 times a week, so it's a bit lonely for all of us.

[Kiwiinkits]

You poor thing, what a massive lot of emotional stuff you're having to deal with all at once. I really do think a spell in hospital or with a friend helping is in order. Do not be afraid to call a friend and just say, "look, I'm embarrassed to ask but I really need to call on you as my friend. Can I ask you for some help? I am feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and I'm afraid I'm going to break down. I may seem strong but I'm not. Please can you come and stay with me tonight and allow me time to rest?" Any friend would be happy to help if they can. Even without knowing all the background. Take care sweetheart.

[ArtsMumma]

I think you need to first of all think of yourself and your baby and get the rest and nourishment you need. There is nothing you can do about the situation with your husband until he returns. We can all only guess whether or not he has been unfaithful physically but none of us know! Only he knows and if he says he hasn't been unfaithful then you have to accept that until you have a chance to talk properly. I understand that porn is a big issue for you but please know that it should not make you feel inadequate. Many, many men, Muslim and otherwise look at porn and there have been many studies undertaken that examine why men often think differently about porn than women do. This is something that needs serious discussion so you can both clarify things but I think it is something you can get round with work if you want to. You clearly love him and he hasn't had his chance to speak yet, so I feel you need to wait until he gets a chance to say what he needs to say. I really hope you get some rest and food and that your girls are well. Please be kind to yourself and don't try to be superwoman, just try to speak to your husband when you can.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

ArtsMumma - Op is entitled to her views and feelings about porn. Please do not minimise the distress she is feeling, this is not at all helpful. Not only is he is using porn, he is also having sex with some of these women

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" I've started getting snappy today and shouted at both of them for no reason."

When you're shocked, stressed, medically unwell and emotionally drained you will get snappy with the children. Please stop feeling guilty. It is not your fault that your husband has pictures on his phone, that his father died, that your family unit might have to break up or that your children might not see quite so much of their extended family. To use an old-fashioned phrase you're the 'wronged wife'..... see that word 'wronged'? Your husband is entirely responsible and entirely in the wrong. He may not have any control over the bereavement or the grief process but he's had total control over his behaviour as a husband and he's made some very bad choices.

[ArtsMumma]

MadAboutHotChoc - I am in no way minimising this, I only wanted to reassure the OP that her husband looking at porn should not make her feel inadequate. Where does it say he is having definately sex with these women? I read the OP that there were amateurish pictures that didnt look downloaded but how could he deny infidelity, as he has, if he was actually in the pictures? Maybe I have missed something but I never meant to understate the distress this must cause, porn is if course a very important issue and I totally understand that the OP finds it unacceptable.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

We do not yet know for sure that he is having sex with them, it does look likely as OP says in some of the pictures, he looks like being there with them I take it to mean that his bits are involved but not his face ifywim.

As for denying the cheating, you would be surprised at how 99% of them will deny deny and then minimise (it was only once, it was just touching etc) their actions when confronted with evidence.

I don't think OP has said that porn makes her feel inadequate - she feels its a form of cheating, and that its degrading and disgusting.

[LostAndNeverFound]

Thanks for your replies.

Just to clear a few things up, the majority of the photos/videos were from a website which was marked on the photos, there were a few however that were just pictures of other girls (not actual porn just pictures) and I just came to the conclusion they were photos he had taken himself. In none of the photos did I see any 'parts' that were my husbands, I was just jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst.

My husband has admitted to looking at these images/photos but he is strongly denying he has ever physically cheated. Obviously there are men out there who will deny until they're blue in the face they haven't cheated, when they have. But there are also men who will be telling the truth and who haven't cheated, but have just been looking at porn.

I'm feeling a lot more calm about the situation now, we've got a lot of talking to do when he gets back and he's got a lot of questions to answer. I am by no means feeling any less hurt, heartbroken or accepting of this, I've made my feelings on the subject quite clear. And this definitely doesn't mean our marriage can be saved, it may not be salvageable.

MadAboutHotChoc - unfortunately it does make me feel inadequate, but I think being pregnant plays a massive part in that as I'm feeling particularly fat and frumpy at the moment!

Thanks for all your replies, I've got a lot of soul searching to do.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Glad you are feeling much calmer and that you will be raising these questions when he is back, hopefully he will man up and answer these honestly.

Sorry to hear that the it makes you feel inadequate - remember that he is the inadequate one, not you. Stay strong x