Really don't know where to put this but please help me get over my feelings of inadequacy re ex and his dp

[Ghostsgowoooh]

First of all we have been separated since 2004 and the latest squeeze of his did not split us up, he has been with her since 2010 after his ex dumped him just before their wedding

She has a little boy and is actually quite a nice person, the kids who are 13 and 10 have taken to her quite well, they have become part of new gf family even though ex and her don't live together. Great.

I've no feelings one way or another towards her, the kids like her and I'm pleased I really am.

But, my kids bought me nothing for Xmas, it didn't even occur to them at all, didn't occur to me either until new year when I sat back and realised I had nothing from anyone, apart from my mum who got me a cd that was half price in the sale. And she's loaded.

I found out today that the kids got their dad, aunty, uncle, nanna and the girlfriend and the boy a present each but nothing not even a card for me. A box of chocs would have done.

All I get from the kids is dads so great, gf is so great, she does this that, every conversation we have its about them. Dad takes us to this,gf does this better than you mum.

I smile and nod but inside I'm really upset. I'm a single mum of four, the other two are only 5 and 2 but I'm having probs with ds behaviour anyway and now dd told me she hates living with me and prefers her dad because life is better with him and more fun even though he is always working and grass isn't greener from where I am standing.

I know I do ok as a mum, not perfect but who is? Money is tight but I try and bring them all up equally but it's very hard not to cry when they've all gone to bed cos I feel so crap.

I sound ridiculous don't I and selfish.

Sounds like your older children have a big case of ungrateful-brat-itis... :) Don't let it make you feel crap but maybe it's time they stepped up to the plate doing more around the house, taking responsibility, earning pocket money with chores etc. Did you tell them you were really hacked off about the lack of gift? BTW their father needs to engage with this as well. Co-parenting goes beyond having kids to stay every so often and playing Lord Bountiful. He has to tell them to appreciate you.

Hi op, I'm sorry I don't really have any advice to offer you as I've little experience of older children or the situation you're in.

But I definitely don't think that you're being ridiculous or selfish at all, I do think that your kids are being quite thoughtless and selfish, but kids often can be. To them you're their mum, and as you're the one doing the day to day drudge, most of the discipline, making them do their homework and go to bed on time, they think that the grass is greener. Because no doubt they get spoilt and have lots of fun as dads. As is often the way.

I remember my nephew going through a similiar stage towards my sister, he wanted to live with his nan, me, his uncle, anyone but her. No doubt as he thought he'd get away with doing what he wanted.

Ghost I really feel for you. Don't blame you for feeling crap about the situation. The kids are taking you for granted. As most kids do. But in your situation it must be very hard to take.
Your ex needs to help them to remember to show you appreciation. Or maybe your parents (if they are around).

Tell them to stop comparing you as it upsets you if you want. They wouldn't do it more to upset you would they? Kids are so thoughtless at times.

I told my ten year old today how I felt and she had the usual well soory said with a nice dollop of attitude but she has been very quiet since.

Ds is not very mature and has some difficulties which are being investigated at the moment and has a huge potato on his shoulder much like his dad but will be having a chat to him too.

I really do think its thoughtlessness and taking me for granted that rankles. I take your point about chores, although dd is brilliant with the younger ones. She helps me get the younger ones ready in the morning, will watch them whilst I cook tea and tidy up without too much moaning when asked. Ds however......

I've had a go at the ex, he just said it wasn't his problem about gifts and teaching them to respect me, they have to learn that themselves!

It won't be repeated next year that's for sure!

Your not the only one that didn't get any Christmas presents from their DCs. I didn't either. It didn't even occur to my boys to get me a present. My eldest two are 19 and 17 and go into town every day for college, so it is not like they didn't have the opportunity to get me one.

Their dad (my ex) didn't get a present either. I asked if they'd like to get him something and all I got as an answer was 'He doesn't deserve anything.'

I'm guessing ex didn't even ask them if they wanted to get me a present or maybe in DCs eyes 'I didn't deserve one either.' The presents they have gotten me in the past were awful anyway. A black and red polka dotted acrylic scarf was quickly lost on a bus.

Teenagers are selfish by nature. I know one day that I will get my rewards. And they will soon find out the grass isn't greener with dad.

Hi OP, I remember when my parents split up and my younger sis would do this to my mum, but over the neighbour (dads close friend) and my mum was devastated by it, being broke and stressed up to her eyeballs over the split. My sister spent loads of time with the neighbour who may as well have been dads bloody gf. She would always say how so and so has her nails done, she takes me shopping here, we went out for lunch etc. it absolutely did my poor mum in. Then a couple of years later, cue my sis growing up a bit and having holidayed with my dad the neighbour and her kids, she saw clearly that the grass wasn't greener. My sis was palmed off with the woman's young kid loads, wasn't impressed by the materialistic ways she soon showed, and learnt that money and going out places really wasn't the be all and end all. My entire point being, it's killing you and I knowwww this OP, saw mum bawling her eyes out over it all, but do what you have been doing, let them think everything's hunky dirt and wait for them to see it for what it is. They are obviously nice people but everyone has their own issues and nobody's perfect. Your kids won't last a month living there believe me. *holding your hand

Kids can be selfish and thoughtless but I disagree with your ex's view that he shouldn't have anything to do with it.

My DH has a 10 year old son from a previous relationship. DH and my stepson's mother have been split up for 5 years. Every Christmas and birthday of hers he reminds my stepson it's his Mum's birthday/Christmas. Takes him out to choose a present. In my opinion it's DH's responsibility as well as the mother to teach their son to show love and appreciation for their parents, and also reciprocate that his parents love him and show that in part by gift giving. I would talk to your kids and tell them that you expect them to think of you the way you do. They need to understand that the world does not just revolve around what they want and how they feel. Also talk to their dad and let him know it's his duty as a father to encourage this!!!

And lastly if you get on with his new gf maybe have a chat with her?? That may not work for you, but I take part in encouraging stepson to think of his mother/sister/daddy

For what it's worth, I did not get a present from my stepson at Christmas. I was upset, told DH, he knows it's his responsibility to encourage him to think of everyone else. I can see why you would be upset when it's your own kids, you expect loyalty and their primary love.

Xx

I feel for you. My teenage daughter did the same to me this Christmas. Again. This year I was really offended as she has a pt job and had asked me what I'd like. When she returned after spending Xmas with her dad and had done various days sale shopping I still got nothing.
After telling her that I was hurt by this which then resulted in an argument over various issues I gave up.
I did however find the receipt for the watch i bought that was too big for her and returned it to Tkmaxx and bought myself a lovely new bin and thanked her for her contribution to my present.
Some days I feel like Pauline Collins in Shirley Valentine...ignored.

You've got to stop being so nice and amenable. Make them work for you a bit.

yy I'm sure posters will be shocked but your kids are taking you totally for granted - and that's probably because you are always available, the nice mommy. Don't be horrible but don't be so wonderful.

My adult kids asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said 'a camera'. My dd said 'you're joking!' as she expected to get me the usual tat they give you when they're 3. I assured her I wasn't joking and, as my kids live the high life, having inherited a lot of money, a camera would be the least of it.

I've been too nice a mommy.

My sympathies. I came on here and moaned when I got a big zero for my first birthday after separation. (Didn't expect anything for Christmas what with the injunction and pending court case.......) Got lots of sympathy and the teach them to appreciate you message but also pulled my socks up a bit and thought, 'hang on, it's my birthday/mother's day/christmas, I'll treat my self.'

Got a lovely pair of boots for Christmas this year

My sympathies are with you on that "grass is greener " part, i came from divorced parents, and i was -one of those brats who thought like that- i never gave mum hell though, and remember that dad did take me to buy mum a scarf once even though he was with SM. the visits were always great to dads house, they had Pop and chocolate and crisps... mmm!! we could Never afford those nice things back then, so mum wasnt as good , simples... i was a kid and it was weighed up in those simple treats who was better...fast forward 3-6 years, Dads always late, he doenst care, am out with me mates, "nah im not coming to talk to him" when he rings. Age 16. He never got me a card!!!! he never rang??, so neither did i. until 10 years later!
My points are this:
1, Always get yourself a birthday and christmas gift. you spend all year paying for the kids stuff
2, do NOT allow your kids to make you feel worthless, how they judge people at who is a better parent is made up of the most ridiculous reasons EVER!
3, Next christmas, give the kids £xx and tell them they are only allowed to spend it on YOUR present, and if/when they say why, your answer is simple, Christmas is about love and sharing and giving gifts, and its not about leaving people out or making them feel sad.

Thank you all for your thoughts and for the hand holding waynetta. At least there are others who are in the same situation. I fully expected to be told to pull my socks up and get on with it.

It's so hurtful isn't it , when no one thinks of you, but that's the story of my life, I'm the one that sorts everything out, pays for things, sort out their problems, acts as a referee between them and their dad.

It's the same with my friends. Only one asked about my Xmas and new year and one even told me she wasn't available as a dumping ground to certain people anymore except her close friends which hurt me as we have always been very close ourselves. I wouldn't mind but I never dump on her, I rarely talk about myself to people or my problems and when I needed support she turned her back

Anyway, I can't carry on being a door mat can
I. I deserve better. The ex is a dick, yes he's there when ds kicks off but grass isn't greener, he fits seeing the kids round his job which he works 50 hours a week, he lives with his mum. He doesn't turn up when he says he will come. My dd was supposed to go to his last night because he said and then never came for her.

He did run off with a 16 year old school girl though so I expect nothing decent from him. He is a very selfish, cold, patronising man who is also a big head and can't discipline for toffee.

There, I'm going to treat myself when I get the money. Sod the lot of them.

oh feck, I'm sorry your shitty 'friend' chose now to make it clear she's a cow. At least you know!

I recently had a very bad thing happen and, like you, those I expected to be there weren't. What a shock. But something steely has crept into my soul, which is no bad thing imo. I now have some very good friends, people who tipped up when the going got rough (people I didn't expect). I also have a very short shit monitor. Again, no bad thing.

It takes pain to get you there though

You are right, it does take pain and anguish. I've got the start of something harder in me. I tend to find that people see me but they dont SEE me, if that makes sense?

I do have one true friend, I have to say and we are kindred spirits in many ways and we talk several times a week on the phone and have a good moan but its just her that I have.

My other so called friends are full of bollocks, too long I've let myself be their dumping pit, having to sit in their houses for two hours listening to their problems and if I talk about me or what I've done in the week, I'm met with a silence and a change of subject.

Or I give them lifts, and I think this is why my dc don't appreciate me because I let people treat me like crap because I don't believe I'm worth anything. I don't see myself as a person. I'm just their for others.

I think I've spelt the word their wrong. Or is it thier. Humph.

Time to put me first isn't it

Always make yourself #1 in your own life, avoid compromising and don't be too concerned about being demanding or upsetting others in the process. Takes a bit of practise to get the hang of it but it's worth it in the end.

Thanks cogito,