Unappreciated gift

[DopamineHit]

Bought my wife a clothing accessory for Xmas. I thought about it quite carefully and the item is definitely of the type of thing she likes to use. When she saw it she basically said, "thanks, but the colour's wrong. Can you get the money back?" (it wasn't cheap but not exactly expensive either - the money's not really an issue. Also the colour isn't garish - I accept that it's maybe not 100% to her taste, but it's not horrible. She has other items of a similar colour).

Not the first time it's happened (actually it happens more often than not). When she gets me stuff she gets it right most of the time (men are easier to buy for than women...?). However, not always, and when she doesn't I pretend it's a really nice gift, wear it / use it a few times and then quietly forget it.

It's not that big a deal but I felt a bit demoralised. Is her behaviour insensitive or am I just being too precious?

Hmmm...I would maybe just stop buying her clothes...get her a voucher for a store she likes instead?

My DH has great taste in his own clothes, but wouldn't trust him to buy mine!

I latched on to the bit about her having other things 'of a similar colour' so I wondered whether you're someone who thinks that all blues are the same or whether you think that people suit a colour wherever it is worn on their body.

For example, near my face I suit a warm, goldy cream; but not one with white or blue tones. And whereas I'd wear navy trousers, I'd never wear that colour near my face 'cos it drains me of colour.

We have a rule that we are honest about presents and would rather take things back so that the person gets what they want, otherwise it's a waste of money and the opportunity to have something nice.

You've said that you've now both got eachother unsuitable presents so I'd do 2 things.

You should both spend some time getting to know eachother's likes and dislikes better and you should have a rule that you're both honest if the other gets it wrong.

I'm with you on this one and if my husband brought me something that may not be completely to my taste I would wear and enjoy it anyway as it would mean to me more that it had been brought with thought and love!
then again I am not known for being particularly concerned about fashion either, so it doesn't bother me if it the latest thing 'in' or not, it just matters if I like it and if DH had lovigly brought it, for that reason alone I would like it.
So yes I think sheb is being insensitive and unappreciative!

P.S. Apologies for terrible spelling errors, typing to quickly at work!

One definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. If she's very fussy about surprise clothing accessories (a scarf??) or other gifts then don't keep buying things, wait until she sees something she genuinely likes and then offer to buy it for hre.

Thanks for the responses (btw love the name cogito!). I dunno - if someone gets me something I'm more interested in the fact that they thought about it and made the effort. The actual item seems somehow less important. But maybe that's a dangerous line to take with the women+fashion combination. I'm not that keen on giving vouchers, or even just asking them what they like and then getting it. It feels a bit like "I can't be bothered - get your own sodding present".

It's got nothing to do with a 'women+fashion' combination. I couldn't give a stuff about fashion and I'm a woman. But I do like to wear clothes and colours that suit me. Same for my husband. I know exactly what neckline he prefers on tops and those he hates. I know what colours he loves and those he hates, including the shades therein. If we're out shopping together, we might encourage the other to try something different, but we wouldn't force that choice through a gift.

It's all very well saying it's the thought that counts, but if you're strapped for cash it's wasteful having all those unwanted gifts.

How about you both paying more attention to what the other actually likes?

Thinking about a gift and making an effort also includes the type of thought and effort involved in knowing that someone doesn't want gifts in a particular category. You're meant to know your DW better than anyone else so what does she actually like but would never buy for herself? What is she interested in? Does she ever compliment a friend on something or watch a TV ad and say 'I'd love one of those'? If you're out window shopping does she ever point something out but dismiss it as too extravagant? Keep your ears/eyes open.....

Please don't feel demoralised! Or start giving vouchers.

The easiest, best way to be a brilliant gift giver is to listen closely to stuff that she wants the rest of the year, choose something from that and then surprise her with it.

My OH asks me to be honest if I don't like what he's bought me and I always feel awful to be honest, but figure that better that than he is wasting his money and I make it 'disappear' after using/wearing it a few times. The last present he bought me was the first ever time he really hit the jackpot...he went to one of my favourite but out-of-my-price-range shops and bought a fabulous handbag. Maybe your wife has a shop like that where she just loves most things in it?

Yes the thought is what counts but surely we are fussy but easy? We love bags, clothes, shoes, jewellery...etc etc ;)

You could always ask her what she wants.

You'd be a bit stuck if you were married to me then jenny....

Bags and shoes are functional items to me; clothes often the same, apart from what I've said about shades and styles that suit.

Don't wear much jewellery either.....

A spa-break would bring me out in the heebie-jeebies.....

My best presents from DH have been experiences, gadgets, old books, unaffordable lingerie, pieces of art etc. As another poster said, the things I treasure most are when he's listened carefully and has made a note.

Badinage....I'll make a note so I remember when it's your birthday :)

I thought after I posted that music is always good too, CDs or concert tickets so would theatre tickets be.

A friend bought me a Starbucks voucher for my birthday last week. We just buy each other a little gift usually and I thougt it was a really original idea.

Definitely listening and taking note is always good.

Well I think it's thoughtless and mean of her. I often wear jewellry that my DH buys me even though it's not entirely my taste...I ear it because he chose it and that kind of makes me like it if that makes sense?

I do try pretty hard to clue into the stuff that she likes, noting when she admires things - I didn't just grab the first thing that came to mind. By trying to think carefully about what she might like and making the effort to get it I felt I was paying her attention and I suppose I feel peeved that this attention to her has been dismissed. A couple of years ago she got me an Iphone case. Frankly it was all wrong. It was impractical (bulky) and I thought it was a bit ugly too. BUT - she had made an effort to think about the sort of thing I might like and she was right - an Iphone case was a good idea. I appreciated that and it would never have occurred to me to tell her she'd got the wrong one and could she take it back.

Well, you tried but got it wrong.

Or do you think you got it right, but she was making some sort of point?

There's a big difference, I think.

What's going on in the rest of your relationship?

OP it would never occur to me to tell someone especially DH that his gift was not right....it seem weird and grabby to me.

Fwiw, men are not always easier to buy for.
I never got clothes gifts right with ex.
And he was extremely fussy and only wore jeans and t-shirts FFS.

She should have been more appreciative and mention exchanging in a more considerate way.

And stop buying clothes items for her.

Btw, as a tip, just because he has similar items, it doesn't mean she likes them anymore or that they are really similar in her eyes. :)

I sympathise with your wife here. My DH is not a very good present giver and I usually swap what he gets me. Often this is because he's put no thought into it and has gone into the nearest shop. This Christmas he had put thought into it (had bought me a handbag which is a god start, but a hideously ugly one more suited to my 66 year old mother) I went into the shop to swap it and found it was knocked down and in the bargain bin and had been well before Christmas. I realise I sound shallow, but we do have enough money to buy each other nice presents and I always put a lot of thought into his and get him things he really loves, so I was really annoyed. And men are not easier to buy for than women!

Anyway this is one of the few things we fight about - I think that after 11 years together he should be able to come up with something I like without me giving him specific instructions, and he thinks I'm hard to buy for and he can't win (the truth is a bit of both).

So (a) I wouldn't feel too hurt about it - better that she swaps it for something she does like - otherwise you'd notice she didn't use it and be hurt anyway, and (b) se it from your wife's perspective - perhaps she's bit hurt/insulted that you got her something she'd never choose for herself in a million years*.

*obviosuly this is a subject close to my heart.

*Good start not "god start" !!!

I do not worship at the Church of Handbags, for the avoidance of doubt.

DopamineHit - I think dequoisagitil asks a pertinent question - was this about a point being made and other things in the relationship?

Is she normally a bit insensitive, in which the appropriate response is perhaps to discuss how she could be a little more circumspect in a way that does her credit...

Or is this simply about each getting things a bit wrong with presents, in which case a response that might work would be to ask her for instruction in what she thinks is good, so you can be sure you're applying the right criteria?

I've applied this technique in the past, privately thinking DP's clothes taste was bloody awful, saying "I'd like to buy you clothes, but I don't want to get it wrong - can we go shopping together and see what you like among what is currently available?" and to his eternal credit, we went shopping together (I steered him to the Austin Reed sale), and he said what he liked in terms of fabrics, shirt cuffs etc, and asked me for advice about whether the colours and cuts were right on him. I explained gently why, when I didn't think particular things worked, always saying "but I'm pretty conservative, it is really your choice what you wear".

I think the key here is what choice is provided when doing the steering... when we're in the UK I steer him to sales of pretty conservative shops, and the rest of the year overseas I say "oh I'm just looking online at the Boden sale, can I get you anything?", and that way we don't end up with any of the 1990s yellow waistcoat/ purple geek shirt with orange ducks/ green joke tie with numbers kind of hideousities, at which he now looks and wonders how he used to wear them... and that probably lost him a few potential girlfriends in about 1995...

It kind of works in reverse... he's beginning to realise my expensive taste in socks and camping gear is because the cheap stuff gets holes/leaks/breaks, and now asks for instruction in what to buy when we go to the favourite camping shop...

*i should add that my partner is not only clad in sodding Austin Reed and Boden... they were examples of how to kindly give very conservative choices to someone accustomed to dressing like a 12 year old at the school disco circa 1988 (which is think is the first time he got to choose his own clothes, and he had apparently been just following on "buying what worked" ever since)...

Wouldn't you rather you got her a gift she used a lot, for a long time, though? You'd notice and be upset if she said "oh how lovely, thank you", used it once and then shoved it in a cupboard never to be seen again.

That's what you do to her. You lie and then 'lose' her presents to you. I'm sure she'd rather you were honest and changed them.

Interesting responses. Thanks.
dequoisagitil / Anna1976: Rest of the relationship? Not brilliant not catastrophic. Been together a long time (teenage kids) and it's pretty stale. I'd say both of us are making an effort though.
Jux: I'm not lying to her - I'm appreciating the effort she has made. But I do take your point.
Anna9176: Is she normally insensitive? She can be, but then can't anyone (I wouldn't claim a perfect record in this department). It's more pronounced if she's feeling vulnerable about something. Then it can feel like I'm treading on eggshells while she's letting loose with both barrels.

Maybe it boils down to our attitudes towards "stuff" in general. She really likes nice things (not necessarily expensive things). On the other hand I think that we're all a bit too obsessed with having "stuff" and this can lead to us losing focus on things that really matter.