Trapped!!!!!

[Tamara80]

My husband Is having another episode. He constantly treats me like a child and will find any excuse to nag me. He is a control freak. I'm always having to listen to what he says yet if I have something to talk about I get ignored. He calls me and I'm expected to go to him each time to see what it is he wants. But to him it's called 'a joke' and he's 'only messing'. He clearly does not have any respect for me and over the years has pushed me away as I no longer have any feelings towards him. He thinks I don't appreciate him working and whilst at home looking after his 3 children I'm a lazy sponger and only with him for his money. I have wanted to get a job but he won't allow me to. I've told him I don't want to be with him but he refuses to leave and tells me I have to go as he will never leave his children. Im so unhappy, im frightened when I'm around him. I feel sad and lonely. I'm trapped!

I'm sorry you're in such a horrible situation. If you want to get out of it - with your children, of course - there are options open to you. The Womens Aid charity are very good for information for people who are being subjected to domestic abuse (which you are) and feel trapped. If you are frightened by his behaviour you are quite within your rights to contact your local police DV unity. Do you have friends or family that you could stay with even temporarily? Do you have access to money?

This is easy to say, harder to do.

You feel trapped but you are not. You are SAHM,are married. the chances are you will get the house (depending on money) and residency of your children, he will have to pay for that. I think there are ways you could get him to move out (Solicitor could advice this)

You dont have to stay married or with someone like this if you dont want to - he can threaten all he likes doesn;t make it true. Sounds like he wants you to feel trapped so you dont do anything

Go and see a solicitor for some initial advice, which will hopefully give you some confidence to take control back from him

Try:

• not listening to him
• not expecting any sympathy from him
• not coming to him when he calls
• getting a job anyway
• leaving yourself (with kids) rather than waiting for him to

Basically, start doing things differently in all the areas that are bothering you. It's the only way anything will change. Decide what changes, what actions you are going to put in place, and do them. You can do it.

You can only rely on yourself in this situation.

Yes, you do have options. It'll be tough, but you don't have to put up with this. Take a look at the information and links here, and start planning.

HotDAMNlifeisgood- fantastic advice. That's how I survived my abusive ex. It really works. But op will feel really lonely so I'd advice her to reach out to trusted people to confide to in RL for emotional support.

Op, sorry you are going through this. That was me less than a year ago and I told him to leave...and had been telling him to leave for years. You can do this. Good luck.

Thankyou all for your advice and support. I should have worded it a bit better. Dh has never hit me it's the shouting and belittling that scares me. Not knowing what mood and how he will react when he walks through the door. I am planning on finding a place of my own, with my kids but just worried about what will happen when i leave with my children. He is a great dad and has convinced me that I'm a rubbish mum and the kids would be better off with him. I do get stressed a lot but ghats because dh makes me so unhappy. We're not speaking at the moment. I feel really uncomfortable here in his house 'as he pays for it'. I'm being a bit childish by not eating any food, not driving the car he bought me. Just to prove the point I'm not using him for his money.

Even though he hasn't hit you yet, his aggressive, insulting and demeaning behaviour etc is still classed as Domestic Abuse. A ''great dad' does not spend his time convincing children that the woman they love and treasure most in the world....their mum... is rubbish. A 'great dad' makes sure kids know that their mum is great. Anyone would feel stressed living in such an oppresive environment where they are made to feel scared, unloved and worthless. If you feel the only way you can stay in control is to refuse food and make yourself ill (eating disorder?), that is the effect of the abuse. It's wrong.

Please take a look at this checklist & call Womens Aid. You do not have to have a black eye or a broken arm to be the victim of domestic violence.

Good advice.

And please remember he is not a great dad. Great dads don't belittle the mother of their children. Great dads support the mother and respect their part in the family unit.

Being a great dad is not about playing with children and taking them out at weekends. It's about being a great role model, something he is clearly failing at.

Very true. Although not that I'm defending him, and I like to give perspective from both sides. I can see what he is saying, he works really hard and when he is here he doesn't feel like part of the family and I always make the decisions. Things would have dragged on if I'd not plucked up the courage to tell him how I really feel and that I don't love him the way I used to. I honestly think it's down to the way he treats me. Sometimes he can be really nice (too nice sometimes) then he'll come home one day with the hump and I'm left wondering what it is I've done wrong. I try to explain why he upsets me so much but he always manages to convince me that I'm the one with the problem. I'm so confused!:(

Wander across to the 'emotional abuse' thread, Tamara, I think you'll recognise & identify with a lot of the posts there and get some practical support as well. It's him, not you.

OP, HotDAMN is right. The only thing you can do in a situation where a partner will not compromise is change what you do and how you think. He's using your financial dependence on him as a weapon against you and will continue to do so unless you gain some independence. You will need to rely on yourself and it sounds like you can't reach out to him for the support which you would hope to receive in a marriage unless he decides to change his attitude. It's a lonely position to be in, as I'm sure you know, as the one person who you would hope would be there for you, isn't, so I hope you have family/friends you can get suport from.

" I like to give perspective from both sides. "

If you're a reasonable person you can't possibly give the perspective of an unreasonable or abusive man. You're trying to look for rational explanations for his behaviour where there are none. The only perspective you can be sure of is your own and, if you feel downtrodden, taken for granted, frightened, confused, unvalued,..... that's because you are a victim of abuse.