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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is it. From this minute on I will be taking baby steps for divorce.

23 replies

sweetestB · 14/01/2013 23:23

H just told me he is using cocaine maybe once every 2 months. Fucking son of a bitch I'm beyond angry, but not showing because I can't deal with an argument right now. I told him I don't want to know any details and would rather not being told about this anyway, what is he thinking? He knows I don't like it.WWhat makes me even more sad is that I had an appointment with my GP last week and the GP suggested depression and is investigating but if I'm depressed I believed it is very mild, maybe I won't even need medication., I thought H had been supportive, but he said something a long the lines that if I start taking prescribed medication I can't judge him using drugs...WTF? I'm utterly embarrassed I have a child angry got married to such asshole, and even if I fucking divorce he still will be somehow part of my sucking life. Dick.

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetestB · 14/01/2013 23:24

Yes . And I know it is probably more often than he says.Bastard.

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Original poster
sweetestB · 14/01/2013 23:34

Correction: I'm embarrassed that I have a child AND got married

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Original poster
sweetestB · 14/01/2013 23:35

:-[

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dequoisagitil · 14/01/2013 23:46

He's bound to have a whole stackload of justifications for why he uses, why it isn't so bad and why prescribed drugs/alcohol/tobacco etc are just as bad, blah blah - it goes with the territory.

At least you know your deal-breakers and are willing to hold to them.

BakingWithToddler · 14/01/2013 23:47

You're right, whatever he's admitted to you should probably at least double it. The cocaine use is one thing, his justification and almost challenge to you about you not being able to criticise is another issue entirely.

You are worth more than this.

How old is your dc? Old enough to know what drugs are or young enough that you may have inadvertently left them in the "care" of an under the influence "d"h?

izzyizin · 14/01/2013 23:49

What 'baby steps' do you intend to take for divorce?

If you have any entitlement to legal aid I would suggest you take one giant step as the rules are changing and you may not be able to afford to divorce after April.

BakingWithToddler · 14/01/2013 23:50

There's no shame in having seen the best in someone and having a child. On the contrary you should be proud of yourself for refusing to accept his behaviour.

Original poster
sweetestB · 14/01/2013 23:55

My daughter is 5. We rent and both our name are on the agreement. I'm 100% sure he doesn't use at home. I'm a CM and I'm due to close my business during the summer holidays for other reasons, so it will be easier should I need to move out. Please tell me about the law changes.

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Original poster
sweetestB · 15/01/2013 00:00

I can't deal with this right now. I wish he would just disappear. Why doesn't him go and dye. I'm so angry with myself that I put myself in this situation, I hate him, myself, every fucking thing.

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AThingInYourLife · 15/01/2013 00:00

"he said something a long the lines that if I start taking prescribed medication I can't judge him using drugs...WTF?"

He's quite right.

I said pretty much the same to DH last week about how it was fair enough for me to do a line every time I gave DD2 her antibiotics.

He said there was no similarity between taking prescribed drugs to make you better and inhaling powder for fun that other humans have suffered to bring you and that I was a total fucking knobhead for trying to compare them.

Original poster
sweetestB · 15/01/2013 00:03

I feel so sorry for my daughter, she deserves so much better. Why did I give life to a human being if I can't give the best..?

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BakingWithToddler · 15/01/2013 00:09

You are giving her the best by getting away from such a knob as soon as he's shown his true colours.

She'll grow up knowing that you loved her enough to face your fear of the unknown and get out of a relationship that was damaging to you and your daughter. If she ever finds herself with a loser she'll know that it is okay to leave and start again because she learnt that from you. Isn't that better than teaching her to put up and shut up?

dequoisagitil · 15/01/2013 00:09

You can give her the best of you.

We none of us can guarantee what another person will do.

Original poster
sweetestB · 15/01/2013 00:11

I really don't want to argue about prescribed x non prescribed drugs, but what hurts me by him comparing them is that if the GP describes drugs for me it is obviously because I'm not well and I really hope I don't need because I'm scared of this shit. While he goes to the pub, to put God knows what trough his nose and mixes with alcohol, than comes home on a night bus in London completely off his head. I'm praying to God he won't make it next time Honestly.

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Original poster
sweetestB · 15/01/2013 00:15

But he still will be her father and have access of course. Even tough I will never have peace of mind. What a twat. I didn't even ask, I think I would rather not know at all.

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Original poster
sweetestB · 15/01/2013 00:21

Well I suppose if I start taking cocaine if will be overall so much better for my life and health than the GP's prescribed medication hey! Big light bulb moment. I will come up with this line and see what he says.

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Original poster
sweetestB · 15/01/2013 00:29

athing I don't think I get your post, sorry, I don't understand what you mean

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Original poster
sweetestB · 15/01/2013 00:30

Any hope he would stop or am I kidding myself and it's going to get worse and worse?

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BakingWithToddler · 15/01/2013 00:38

From experience, he's at the justifying phase so it will get worse before there's even a remote chance of it getting better. You leaving may be the wake up call he needs. Or it may give him another excuse to carry on using. Either way he's not your responsibility, you and your daughter are.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/01/2013 01:07

I think AThing was being sarcastic, to agree with you that its a completely fucking stupid argument for him to try on.

Walkacrossthesand · 15/01/2013 01:07

OP, I think (hope) athing was being dry and ironic. Now back to you - you've set your boundary and defined your deal-breaker. Make your plans, don't beat yourself up about the man you chose not being the man you thought he was - change what you can, accept what you can't change, know the difference.

AppearingDignified · 15/01/2013 05:55

Is there a history to this story that i've missed entirely?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2013 10:16

If you've made this decision the best thing you can do at this stage is to talk to a solicitor specialising in Family Law. Many offer a free half-hour consultation and you'd be able to find out all kinds of things relating to finance, accommodation, access... and also how that would be affected by a drug-using absent parent. It would also be useful for you to share what you've said here with a trusted friend or family member IRL. It'll help make it more real.

You may always have a connection with this person but that doesn't mean you won't be able to move on in time and get peace of mind.

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