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Original poster

Do you live in a sex less marriage?

26 replies

ludlowstreet · 14/01/2013 21:56

DH's sex drive has fallen off a cliff. We used to have sex about once a week, he may have liked more but we were fine with that, happy. About four months ago we just seemed to stop having sex, or it reduced to about once a month/six weeks. When we do have sex it seems hard for him to mantain an erection, although I do sometimes hear him wanking in the bathroom in the middle of the night, so I think he wakes up in the night with one. This never happened before.

Everything else in the relationship seems fine to me, he's still nice to me, loving, but I worry maybe he doesn't love me/fancy me anymore. I fear that if we don't start having sex again it might endanger our marriage. I want our sex life back but even more than this I don't want to loose him. I would rather be in a sex less marriage with him than a sex filled relationship with somebody else.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
ludlowstreet · 14/01/2013 21:57

Married 17 years, three young DCs btw.

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 14/01/2013 22:00

Have you discussed it with him and to find out why and what you can do to improve situation.

Absolutelylost · 14/01/2013 23:03

I did, I eventually faced up to the fact that my exH was gay, something I always suspected deep down but was frightened to face. We did have DC's, miraculously, but would go for 2 years at a time without sex. I eventually left him as I couldn't deal with it and he couldn't change.

VoiceofUnreason · 14/01/2013 23:09

Absolutely - the OP is asking for advice. Yours is to suggest her husband might be gay just because they haven't had sex in the last 4 months after 17 years of, mostly, once a week?

BunFagFreddie · 15/01/2013 00:30

I'm not a man, but sometimes I've gone off sex with DP. We mostly have a healthy sex life, but when I'm ill, run down or stressed I don't feel like it. However, I will still have a strum if I suddenly get the urge. At times like these I still love and fancy DP though. I'm sure men feel like this too sometimes, so don't jump to any hasty conclusions.

Do you still hug and kiss each other?

4 months isn't a long time, but I think you have to be honest about how you feel in a very calm and non-confontational way. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of it and sort it out.

badinage · 15/01/2013 00:39

His sex drive hasn't fallen off a cliff if he's still wanking.

You also sound very passive about your sex life and as though the quantity of sex is governed by his desire and not yours. Do you initiate sex yourself?

The main puzzle is though, why haven't you spoken to him about it?

Absolutelylost · 15/01/2013 01:07

Of course I wasn't suggesting that OP's DH was gay - I was answering the question about living in a sexless marriage and how it impacted on me. Didn't mean to offend.

Original poster
ludlowstreet · 15/01/2013 14:52

Thanks for the replies.

No offence taken Absolutely, I know that's just your experience.

Usually in the past most of the time he initiated sex, I have always made it clear that I'm available though. Recently when we've done it, I've initiated it, often
unsuccessfully.

We have talked, very briefly, about it, he just said sorry, and that he's tried or not taken the bate when I have tried to talk about it. I haven't pushed him though. He is very busy at work, but that's always been the case. I know that I need to press it some more and get him to talk about it, I'm just really scared he'll say he doesn't fancy me anymore Sad

I fear a marriage can't survive without sex.

He is still affectionate towards me.

OP posts:
badinage · 15/01/2013 15:00

What do you honestly think could be behind this? What are your biggest fears?

Original poster
ludlowstreet · 15/01/2013 15:08

That he'll say he doesn't fancy me any more, and that it will (eventually) mean the end of my marriage.

I think he still loves me and I'm almost certain there's nobody else.

He did need Viagra a couple of years ago.

OP posts:
meditrina · 15/01/2013 15:10

If you know he's wanking and/or know he's getting the morning horn regularly, then it's not a straight physical problem. I wouldn't know how to go about assessing whether there's a psychological/stress problem - anything else impacting on health or levels of other activity?

I see two other possibilities:

a) general non-specific flatness in your marriage. It happens. It's not much fun, but it passes, and better communication, and more activities as a couple away from DCs can help a lot.
b) mid-life crisis, with or without an actual OW, whether a physical affair or a romanticised emotional affair (or even remore crush on someone). He remains attached to you, and so can be kind and attentive, but his sexual thoughts are elsewhere. If so, he needsto be alerted of the harm that detachment of this sort inevitably does by eroding the marriage, leading to dissatisfaction, leading to even more permission to invest emotional energy and intimacy outside the marriage. (And be able to convince himself, and OW idc that you don't want him and you never have sex - the older line in the book). Again, communicationis the key, plus wake up call of what he stands to lose if he does not put his best efforts into the marriage.

Mintyy · 15/01/2013 15:12

VoiceofUnreason - what a ridiculous post. The title of the thread is "do you live in a sexless marriage?" and another poster simply shared her experience.

No need to feel bad AbsolutelyLost, you've done nothing wrong.

Sorry, op, just felt I had to say something.

Original poster
ludlowstreet · 15/01/2013 15:21

Thanks meditrina.

It's really helpful to have an outside opinion, also, you sound like you know what your talking about.

I'm going to make I lot more effort to look more attractive, go out more, have 'dates' even if it's just at home. And try to talk to him again. I don't want to let our marriage slip through my fingers. This is the only issue that I can see, everything else in our lives looks good to me? We've had money worries in the last couple of years but nothing really major.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2013 15:56

If you're generally quite affectionate and don't have any reason to think he's unfaithful I'd think about getting him to see a doctor about his general health. If he struggles to maintain an erection that could be enough to put him off initiating sex. ED problems can often be health-related.... is he overweight? a smoker?

badinage · 15/01/2013 16:08

Can you say more about him needing Viagra a few years ago? What happened and why did he stop using it?

Original poster
ludlowstreet · 15/01/2013 17:42

He isn't overweight or a smoker. He stopped using Viagra because he didn't need it any more.

OP posts:
badinage · 15/01/2013 17:47

Yes but what was going on that meant he needed it then? Did you discuss its prescription together or did he keep its use secret from you?

Original poster
ludlowstreet · 15/01/2013 17:59

He didn't keep it secret but we didn't discuss it a length, we talked about it a bit, and if we could do anything to get it working again without drugs. Couldn't say anything unusual was going on outside of the bedroom, then or now. It just stopped working well, then it started again.

The difference between now and then is that back then we wanted to have sex, now he doesn't seem to.

OP posts:
badinage · 15/01/2013 18:10

Communication about sex seems very poor in your marriage, doesn't it?

If viagra worked in the past and you've noticed he's got erectile problems again, I don't really understand why you haven't both discussed going back to the doctor again.

Unless you think it's possible he's having an affair (which I wouldn't rule out at all) then I think you've got to face your worst fears and talk about it properly.

thegreylady · 15/01/2013 22:14

For medical reasons and mutual lack of libido we have not had sex for about 12 years.Lots of cuddles and affection-we chat about it sometimes but it doesnt seem important at all now [we are 68 and 77]

MrsJimmyChoo · 16/01/2013 08:00

If you can get him to talk and seek medical help, do. Many men suffer from ED when they have the beginnings of artery disease or diabetes. He needs a medical check up for his own health if nothing else. Choose a time when he is not tired or stressed and talk to him in a non-accusatory way about seeking help for HIMSELF.

Original poster
ludlowstreet · 16/01/2013 11:37

We talked about it last night. I said that I was a bit worried about us because we don't have sex anymore. He said- "we, we don't as much as we used to" He said he just doesn't feel like it as much and that marriages change over time (not implying that he didn't love me as much or anything like that).

His is still and has always been very affectionate.

We didn't have sex when we went to bed last night, which I was glad about because I don't want him to feel forced into it. He woke up in the night about 5am though and we did have sex then. When we first got together (years ago) we use to have sex in the middle of the night a lot. We haven't done that for at least ten years though. It still seemed to be a struggle for him to maintain an erection and finish though, although he did. I've had three children though so maybe I need to do some pelvic floor exercises to help him along.

OP posts:
mutantninjamyrtle · 16/01/2013 17:22

Ludlow - that sounds as though you are blaming yourself - vaginas are quite miraculous in their ability to ping back! I would be very careful -it does sound as though he is investing emotion elsewhere, hence all the 'marriages change over time' guff.

Has he started working with someone new, or was he mentioning someone new about 4 months ago, but has stopped taking about them? I'm not saying he's up to something, but he does sound a bit passive and avoiding about why things have changed - particularly when his secret wanking does make it sound like he can get excited about something, just not you. And when you brought it up, he felt guilty so had a go at pretending all was well, except his body wouldn't pay ball?

wednesdaygirl · 16/01/2013 18:17

My dh sometimes has spells of going soft while we have sex
He then finds it hard to get hard for weeks/months after sort of performance anxanty
He is 38
Happens to the best of um
Maybe stress is a factor men tend to bottle stuff up and work through it

Jezabelle · 16/01/2013 22:54

My DH lost his sex drive when he got depressed a few years back. Just a thought. I then found some stuff he'd written down about sexual positions and stuff. Pretty graffic. Sounds really weird I know but by this time he was very deeply depressed. I thought perhaps he was having an affair, but he wasn't.

Someone with a great deal of experience of depression explained that this sort of thing was quite common. He was actually writing stuff down in order to try and stimulate his sexual desires again so that he could feel normal. He did eventually talk to me about the fact that the lack of sex drive made him feel less of a man and not like himself.

Just wondered if this could be what the wanking in the bathroom is all about. Just trying to stimulate his sex drive again?

DH is ok now btw!

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