How to help - friend's H moved out, having an affair, wants divorce

[herethereandeverywhere]

Saw a friend today who broke the above news to me. I'm devastated for her - it happened in September but she's still so heartbroken (obviously).

What can I do? I've said the usual "if you need anything"but it seems hollow. She has an au pair so is sorted for all very practical stuff. We're not so close that I know intuitively what she'd appreciate but I can't do nothing. Have thought about her all day.

How can I help? What should I do?

Ask her in a way that makes it clear that you really mean it. Say, "I want to help you. I mean it. But you're going to have to tell me what you need. An ear, or a shoulder to cry on, or practical advice, or childcare when the au pair is off, or company, or cooking/cleaning..."

You sound like a lovely friend.

Offer to take her out or meet round at hers with a bottle of wine and a takeaway. Include her in any activities/hobbies you do, perhaps? If it happened four months ago she should really be getting past the 'raw shock' phase and, if she's still struggling, she probably needs some diversions, company and a friendly ear in the first instance. If things are still really bad you might even suggest she thinks about counselling.

For me it really helped when people just kept in touch - a text or a hello. Otherwise it was hard for me to know there was a world still out there I was so thrown off kilter. Other suggestions are to include her in things, offer that she can come round & just hang out. In her situation it's easy to feel generally unwanted. The other thing friends really helped with was reassuring me over and over (and over & over & over & over ad finitum) that it would be ok and I did have a future. To them it was self-evident but not to me and I appreciated that they could hold sight of that so I didn't have to.

It's hard as a friend, because you can't magic it better, but she'll know you care and it will pass.

I'm glad she has a friend like you. It'll make all the difference, honestly.