If they've been violent before, will they always do it again...?

[Oddsox2]

So confused and down, my husband hasn't been violent toward me since 2009, although the emotional abuse has continued. He is a complete Jekyl and Hyde, the nicest person you could possibly meet in front of other people, and yet with me he is controlling and foul tempered. We have one DS who is 5.

I don't feel anything for him, don't love him, the rose tinted glasses are well and truly off. But I am so sad at the thought of breaking up the family, my son adores him (when he actually sees him) - he works until late every night and every Saturday so basically he gets to see him on a Sunday.

I keep feeling weak, and asking myself if I can stay like this for the sake of my son, my husband says I'm selfish for wanting to split up the family for my own happiness when I should be putting my sons happiness first.

I just don't know which was to turn, I feel so so sad.

X

Hello Oddsox,
I just wanted to say that emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence, in terms of breaking you down and making you feel worthless, but the truth is that you DO deserve better. It's very easy for your husband to call you selfish for wanting a better life, because it suits him to have you there putting up with his foul temper, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling unhappy? In the long term, that won't do your son any good and he will sooner or later also fall victim to your husband's moods (if he hasn't already). You owe it to yourself and to your son not to put up with this bully any longer. Your life will improve immeasurably. Good luck.

The reason he hasn't twatted you again is probably because you have modified your behaviour out of fear

he is still controlling you with emotional abuse

get out of this relationship...you are both setting a very damaging example to your dc

it doesn't matter if you have previously promised him, or yourself you will try and put this behind you...you can change your mind at any time

If anyone splits your family up it is the one who has been abusive. Not the victim. Your son may not actually 'adore him'. He may simply have cottoned on that, like you, he'd better stay on Dad's good side....

Womens Aid are probably worth a call. You don't have to endure mistreatment or take any notice of an abusive man that tries to tell you that your situation is your fault.

Do you seriously want your boy to atand any chance of growing up to be like his father, or to have to walk on eggshells around him as you seem to be doing?

In leaving your abusive twunt of an h, you will be acting unselfishly by putting your ds's happiness first. The bonus is you'll become infinitely happier too and, given what you've put up with from the twunt, I reckon you deserve some joy in your life, don't you?

Start making the positive changes that will enhance your life and that of your ds here: www.womensaid.org.uk

Hi Zorba, to be honest I think the EA has definitely done more damage, self esteem and confidence at an all time low until recently. He hasn't wanted to sleep with me for years now, constant rejection, I've been so sad. He's controlled who we have round to the house, to the point where if he knew my family was coming he'd make me ring them and make an excuse for them not to come. Nothing is ever good enough for him, the house work, the way I look, my parenting skills. I feel like I'm at such a crossroads, as this is the strongest I've ever felt in such a long time, I just don't know where to begin though. He's already said in no uncertain terms will he leave the house. We are both on the mortgate. What position does that leave me in.

AnyFucker - I know everything you have just said is true. It's hard to hear but I know you're right.

Izzy I think that's what made me start to realise I can do this - the thought of my lovely little boy growing up with a temper like his Dad.

Not only that but my husband has slept on the sofa for a year now and every morning my DS comes downstairs to find him there, and thinks it's the norm. Husband hasn't shown me any affection for over 3 years, there are no kisses and cuddles in our home, only those shared between me and my son.

I am scared that my son will grow up thinking this is how Mummys and Daddys are.

I guess I need to see a solicitor or something, I don't know what my rights are with reference to the house, I am also a shareholder in his business so again, I don't know where i stand on that score either.

I wish to god this was easier.

Use the link (above) to locate your nearest Women's Aid office, give them a call, and ask them to recommend solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and who offer a free half an hour initial consultation.

Your tide is in - do it now before it ebbs and you find yourself back in the trough of despair and hopelessness.

If you are entitled to legal aid ACT NOW because the rules are changing in April and you could miss the boat.

"We are both on the mortgate. What position does that leave me in."

As a wife the starting point is that you have a 50% stake in all marital assets which means that, barring any special circumstances, half the equity in your home is yours.

Where to start. If you don't think he'll leave the house after the split then you need to think about a place to stay with your DS until the money from the house sale comes through. This is when you need friends and family and I daresay your family know very well that you live with a nasty, abusive man if he's been doing his level best to keep them away up to now. So give them a call. Charities like Womens Aid are also very helpful for women in your situation.

Legal advice is also very important. You can start now getting the information together. Many solicitors offer a free half-hour consultation which might make you feel more confident. Financially there are a lot of avenues open to you as well. CAB can be useful for that.

If you don't feel able to make appointments or phone-calls when you're still living with your husband, get yourself and your DS away first and then deal with that second.

Children love their parents and adore them, particularly when they play with them.

You can do it.

Please ring WA. Look for family solicitors who will offer a half hour free advice.

Do this. It sounds like a cliche trotted out on MN to every person in a bad relationship. But lovey, you have to start somewhere or nothing is going to change. And when you post about your "husband" next time your self esteem will be further bollocksed and the longer you leave it, the harder it gets.