Don't trust myself after coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship

[Donttrustmyselfanymore]

Hey, im a long time lurker but this is my first post so please be gentle with me.

I have just come out of an emotional abusive relationship which lasted about a year. Since we split its like a fog has lifted and I am remembering everything he said and done to me and realising how wrong it was and how naive I was. I saw him through rose tinted glasses and didnt listen to my gut or my friends/family. It shocks me what I let him get away with and how I let him treat me.

A tiny part of me wants to believe he was the person he pretended to be, just so I don't feel so stupid and gullible.

Now I know it's far to soon for another relationship and time is a healer. But I just don't trust myself or my ability to spot a good guy. He seemed like the best guy in the world at the beginning, I don't trust my own judgement.

Does this feeling ever go? He made me feel like I was damaged goods and I should be grateful he was even with me. I can't shake this feeling off. He said horrible things about every area of my life/my appearence etc Before I met him I was confident and independent and now I'm a wreck. I can't see how a good decent man would even want me. I know it's early days but I'm just so low. Everything was always my fault and I was always to blame for everything.

If anyone has any experience of getting over a relationship like this I would be grateful for some advice. Thank you

The damaged/inadequate/lo feeling they leave you with does go eventually. You'll find that life as an independent woman, taking responsibility for yourself and making your own decisions will increase your confidence as time goes on. You can speed this up by finding something constructive to focus your energy on ... learning new skills, travel, making new friends, changing jobs. With every little achievement & the more you feel in control of your own life, the higher your self-esteem will get.

What stays with you - and quite rightly - is wariness. You will be less naive about people you meet, more alert to 'red flags' or warning signs that you missed in your previous boyfriend but when you're now recollecting, you'll listen to your friends next time and - very important - you'll walk away the minute you're not happy rather than thinking that 'love conquers all'. That's an important part of the healing process.... learning from your mistakes. It's natural. You might recognise some of the elements in this article strike a chord.

Good luck

He made me feel like I was damaged goods and I should be grateful he was even with me. I can't shake this feeling off. He said horrible things about every area of my life/my appearence etc Before I met him I was confident and independent and now I'm a wreck. I can't see how a good decent man would even want me. I know it's early days but I'm just so low. Everything was always my fault and I was always to blame for everything.

This is all normal. I felt exactly the same. I became incapable of making any decisions cos they were all wrong .

1. Detach. Ignore every thought of him that comes into your head. Visualise a bin in your head and everything to do with him/your time together/your anger/your pain...put it in the bin

1. Work, work, work on yourself. You didnt listen to your gut. Why? What was it about him that made it OK to put up with the initial low level stuff he threw at you to test you? Was it security? Did you rely on him to stroke some part of your ego that you didnt realise needed feeding?

1. When you've done that, actively focus on getting your own goals. Stay focused on them....not any man, not 'getting' a man. The really good ones are attracted to a self-sufficient, self-motivated women.

I like this quote I read somewhere...'if you want a Barack, you have to be a Michelle'.