I can't stop spending money

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

And it's driving poor dh crazy.

I'm a sahm so I don't have any income. Dh gives me an allowance which is completely spent every month on my own personal bills which is mainly store cards. I've even cancelled my pension because I can't afford it at the moment. He doesn't know that. He earns well and pays money into the joint account which covers all household expenses etc.

I've also been spending a bit of the joint account on things like sales stuff this month, not a lot but enough for him to notice. He's also just found my store card statement which has hundreds of pounds on it, although I can cover the monthly repayments. I accidently paid late over Christmas and he saw the late payment fine and I think that set him off. He had a bit of a go at me tonight and told me I'm irresponsible and taking him for granted. He doesn't approve of finance and told me I should save for what I want, not keep putting it on finance which I then expect him to pay for.

He'd go absolutely spare if he knew I'm also paying off a loan which I took out to cover two credit cards.

He's right, I am shit with money. I hate not having any income, I hate being reliant on him, I hate that all our financial responsibility falls on him and I hate having to ask. He's right not to trust me with money. He earns it, I spend it.

I'm lucky that he's got a good job, is supportive and careful. I feel as though I'm throwing it back in his face when I keep spending it. I'm only buying sales stuff etc, not living a designer lifestyle, but I can't seem to stop myself. I even asked a while back if iwbu in asking him to buy me a new car. I think I probably was!

How do you get out of a hole like this? I can't really go to work full time till the youngest dc is in school and then I'd hardly earn enough to cover extra childcare etc. I'm not qualified or experienced in anything. I feel shit at the state I've got myself into. I'm trying to live the high life whilst having absolutely nothing to back it up with. He'll get fed up soon and I wouldn't blame him.

What's the background here, lovemydog? Were you able to manage your money when you earned it yourself? What 'hole' are you trying to plug by shopping/spending?

Chop up all those store cards, hand over the money reins to Dh and all you get is a set amount of cash each week, once it's gone it's gone. That way he can get everything paid off so there will be no secrets.
It's one hell of a hole to try and dig out of while keeping stuff secret, if you trust and love him then it has to be done.
Once it's all paid start slow getting back to normal, but do it slow and if you start to slide stop and go back a step. It is possible to get over it.
Also you need to work of what is going on to make you spend, for me I get bored. and the sales at this time of year are fantastic, so I now wait all year and buy in the great sales only, and only what we need, not all the cute stuff I fancy.

Maybe it's time for a proper sit down chat with him, be open and honest, lay all the debt on the table and ask for his help! Not in a financial way, but support getting yourself out of debt!

Hiding your debt will just make things worse! I did this with my DH and he was more annoyed that I hadn't told him, 3 years later I'm now 100% debt free (except mortgage and student loan)

I think you should try to work out why you want to spend money like this. Is it a form of self-medication for underlying unhappiness or boredom? Is it a compulsion or just a habit? Is shopping a way of getting me-time? Once you've worked out what triggers it, you may be able to address what's behind it.

If shopping is for something to do, then you need to look at finding new ways to occupy yourself and have fun. Do you have any hobbies?

As for the situation right now, you need to cut up all your cards and talk to your dh about your debt. I realise that's going to be hard to do, but the longer you deceive him, the worse it'll be.

I think it would be a good idea if, when you talk to him, you had a plan to repay some of it yourself, such as by getting a part-time job (such as cleaning that you can fit in around the children) or by selling your excess stuff on Ebay/car-boots. If you have a hobby or are crafty at all, is there any potential for that to be a little e-business from home (but not if the set-up for it would cost a lot!)?

Long-term, you need to think about getting some qualifications and experience so that you do have opportunities for going to work full-time. You can do voluntary work for experience. You could do some OU courses or night classes - what interests you? What would you like to do?

You can turn things round. Consider this a wake-up call and start building your confidence in yourself and a future for yourself as an individual rather than just as wife & mum.

I don't agree with the person who reckons you should put all money matters into your dh's hands. You need to have a handle on this yourself, not end up more dependent.

There are a few things to resolve. First is to understand what you're buying and why. Is it essential things or treats? Are you buying because you're bored, feeling unhappy, or do you generally need the things you spend money on?

Second point is whether the allowance you are getting is adequate for your needs and/or proportionate/equal to the personal money your DH gets each month.

Finally... you really must be honest about what you've spent from joint accounts, loans and so forth. If you have debts, put them on the table. Secrecy doesn't help this kind of situation and, even if he's annoyed to begin with, it's better to talk about it now than keep hiding the truth until he finds out by accident or it can't be ignored because you're in big financial trouble

In the meantime, get rid of your credit cards, store cards, cheque book and so on. Make it as difficult for yourself to spend as possible. Take responsibility.

Thanks for all your replies.

I'm too embarrassed to tell him about it just yet. He was pretty fed up last night and it really rankled being spoken to like some naughty child but that's what hit it home. I am behaving like a spoilt child. I never used to be like this when I was earning my own money, but then I didn't have two small children to keep buying clothes for. I think being a sahm has made me worse. I do do all the housework and cooking and food shop etc but I also get time to sit on my arse and shop online. I couldn't cut up my store card if I wanted to, I still owe some money on it and I know the account number anyway. All my spending is online. It's when I use the joint account that I get myself into trouble. I can't not have access to that, I do all the food shopping. He doesn't even know his PIN number for his joint card.

Hopefully this will be the kick up the bum I need.

Can't you freeze the account for spending, so you just pay back?

You need to substitute something for the online shopping.

Do you have loads and loads of children's clothes? I bet you do. They can't possibly need all you buy.

Please don't lie to him
Tell him, as soon a possible
I've been the one being lied to about money and it almost destroyed us.
It wasn't the money that was the worst bit, it was the being lied to

Then between you you can work out how you go forward.

Ok, I've been where you are, sort of, so I'm going to tell you my experience, and you can heed or ignore the advice...
I've been not working for years, a combination of being a sahm and disability.
I got into debt,I had 3 credit cards, 4 catalogues, 2 doorstep loans, and I really struggled to meet the payments.
1 credit card had 3k limit ( for someone not working or earning, although I got benefits, this was ridiculous), and I ended up with a CCJ for not paying it.
My catalogues wherein arrears, one of my other credit cards were being paid through a dca ( debt collection agency).
Ironically the 3rd credit card, although long since cut up, has credit available on it, but I've turned myself round and wouldn't use it anyway.

So, my payments per month were ridiculous, and I was spending all my benefit and raiding the joint account.
My hubby knew nothing of any of it, and my stress level was through the roof.
Hubby got some inheritance in 2010, and I did ask him for some money to pay off my catalogue ( notice, singular), but he said no as he thought it was under control.
To my shame I probably used a lot of that money to pay debts that weren't his.

Any way, fast forward to January 2011, and he found my stash of letter & bills.

The joint account had an overdraft of 2.5k, and it was ALWAYS at the limit. I would do ANYTHING to stop him going to the cash point, and I would kill myself almost to get to the post before him.
When he found out he was absolutely devastated...and said " I'm working just to pay (the bank)"
He was so so upset at the debt, definitely, but at the deception. The lies, the hiding, the secrecy.

My parents, God bless them, paid a lot off for me, but I'm still paying the CCJ, and my credit card but I can manage them,and I'm not spending.
We closed the joint account, and now hubby has a bank account I to which his wage goes & bills come out, and I have a cash card account for my benefits.
There are no secrets now, but it was an horrendous time..

My advice to you...tell him everything, if he finds out it will be much worse.
My hubby thought I was having an affair as I was so stressed and jumpy, every time the phone rang I would jump, I felt sick, and I was moody & horrible.

Tell him, perhaps go to www.moneysavingexpert.com for lots of advice and help and support.
There are debt charities that can help, but don't get so deep as I was, it's a dark & lonely place.
Stop spending,find a cheap hobby, read books, go for walks, anything to stop you online shopping!
Good luck!

"I never used to be like this when I was earning my own money, but then I didn't have two small children to keep buying clothes for."

The allowance that you get. Is it enough to pay for the things you're expected to buy or are you being kept short?

Those bills you ran up, were they for yourself or for your children (e.g. clothes)?

You need to talk to him. Also, could you maybe get an evening/weekend job? Supermarket or cleaning or something similar? I work evenings & my pay covers extras and food shopping.

This is going to sound a bit off the wall but I was struck by the 'sitting around and shopping online' comment.

As mentioned briefly in a post above, have you tried starting some selling online - say with ebay? That could not only get you something back if you made any ill advised purchases but is often an excellent temporary substitute to allow you to get yourself back on a good financial path. (I think it must appeal to the same part of the brain or something.) It doesn't make up for sitting down and talking to your DH/sorting things out with your life long term but it beats the heck out of sitting on the computer and ordering things.

The first thing that strikes me is that it's not really that you "can't" stop spending money, but what you "won't".

You say you get an allowance, but using a joint account is even worse.

It's not so easy not knowing how much your DH earns and how much he "gives" you, and so on.

Assuming he's not financially abusive, you have to have a budget of how much you (as a couple) can afford to spend on the children, yourselves, the house, and so on.

It may be as simple as getting the children's clothes' budget as cash in your hand and heading off to the local shops.

You'll feel bad being talked to like a child by your H who has just found out that you have hidden debt from him.
You deserve it, TBH.
I'm sure he'll respect you more if you come clean and have a plan to control your finances. And stick to it in the future.

Maybe you should try this: debtorsanonymous.org.uk/

I think you should get counselling about the over-spending, because you know it isn't right but you are doing it anyway. This means you can't just decide to stop. You need some help to get there. In the short term, can you hand control over to your dh? (although that is not a long term solution)

I think you should confide completely in your dh, he should be your best friend and he will be upset but the deceit is not fair. Ask him to manage the money in such a way that you do not have the option to buy lots of stuff you don't need. I think you might find this a huge relief. (I have an on-off drink problem and the relief I feel after a period of excess when there is no booze in the house is enormous)

Can you sell extras on ebay now to try and make up some of the shortfall, and as symbolic of living a new, sensible life?

Agree with all the many posters who suggest that you need something to do, if not to earn money (which would be good for your self esteem, I suspect) but to give you focus and... self esteem.

Do you buy mainly clothes? Are they for you or the children? How do you feel about your looks? Women are under so much pressure to look good... if you don't feel great about your looks, or feel you don't look as good as you did 10 years ago, you may be over-buying clothes to salve that pain, or sometimes women buy children's clothes because their children look so great in everything with their fresh slim little bodies and it is a way of accessing beauty when they don't feel beautiful themselves. think about this, and think about whether there is a better way to feel good about yourself.

You can do this. You are a capable, experienced woman, you are a great mother, you will have the support of your loving husband, you will get there.

Oh bless you all, you're so nice and I don't deserve it. MairyHinge you poor thing. That must have been horrendous. Thank you for sharing it with me. I'm sure you don't really want to have to recount it all so thank you.

I don't think I'm that bad yet but of course it's a slippery slope if you don't get help to start with. I do sell stuff on eBay sometimes and there is also a charity place near us that buys old clothes by the weight to shop abroad, or something, so I can get rid of stuff.

Most of it is kids clothes. It's not all expensive designer gear, most of it came from eBay in the first place. Some of it is for me obviously but in my defence I lost over a stone in weight last year so did buy myself some new clothes and I did sell a load of stuff and made a couple of hundred quid. Can't remember what I did with the money. Spent it probably.

I just wish he didn't get so upset about it. I feel like a failure. I think the trouble is my parents were pretty well off as we were growing up and looking back now we were a bit spoilt. When I was earning my own money it wasn't a problem. Then we had children, and we moved to a bigger house which obviously costs more to run. Then all the interest rates went up and our cost of living has shot up. But I'm not very good at sacrifice I guess and still like my clothes buying. But like I said its not designer gear. I see kids at the school turning up in Uggs and Barbour coats and think god how do people afford it? I'm hardly keeping up with the Joneses. I don't smoke or drink or have any expensive hobbies.

I really need to rein myself in and just stop spending basically. If this doesn't do it nothing will.

He'll be more upset if you lie. It's no shame to admit that you can't manage money very well. We all have weaknesses that we have to work hard to improve on. The advantage of being married 'for richer for poorer' is that you should have someone to help you do that. Lying and trying to cover up, however, that's a quick way to really hack anyone off.

You still didn't answer the question whether your allowance is adequate or not. If you don't drink it, smoke it and you don't have any expensive hobbies do you think you're being given enough to manage on? And does your DH get a similar amount of personal cash or is he more generous with his own spending?

I have been the one in your DH's position.

You have a chance to come clean here, and tackle it together. While you hide it from him you will still end up spending, because you will be trying to make it seem that everything is normal.

You must tell him, because the worst is the lies. It takes time to be able to trust someone again when you know they have lied many times to you.

You sound defensive, and you are trying to justify your spending in various ways.
'I wish he didn't get so upset' is dangerously close to thinking that he is overreacting which is incredibly disrespectful - and could lead to further spending in a 'sod him I can do what I like' kind of way.

You must tell him, because this is about more than just money. This is the core of your marriage at stake here, your trust in each other.

Find a job.
Most supermarkets need workers in the evenings or overnight, when your DH is in so you won't have to find any childcare.
Or there are restaurants/bars/pubs etc all needing reliable employees.

Then you'll have your spending power back and will be more in control of your finances.

Sit down
Write it all Down (ALL)
Show how you will start rectifying things
Then tell him (really soon)

By writing it all down there will be no drip feeding him. He'll the the info and then can start processing

I think Cogito has actually pretty much nailed this one.

You need to do some basic maths here.

1/ Work out what you owe in total and what it is costing you in interest per month. Never run up debt on store or credit cards if you (or your husband) have any savings to cover it. The interest rate is extortionate.

2/ Work out how much over your allowance you are spending and see if you can get to within your allowance moving forwards, spending reasonable relative to the household income.

3/ Is your debt a real financial problem for you as a family or could your husband easily pay it off were he to know the full extent of it?

I think that there are two scenarios here. Either you are spending reasonably relative to your household income but you are not getting enough allowance or you genuinely have a spending addiction. What does your husband spend on himself per month? Is it more or less than you do?

It sounds like boredom spending to me. The stuff in the sales in generally rubbish. Can you think of any hobbies that you can do during the time when you are usually shopping. Maybe see if you can avoid even looking on the internet for stuff.

How much do your debts tally up to?

Can you transfer all the balances to an interest free credit card? Having one lump sum may be more manageable. Once transferred, cancel all the storecards to stop yourself from being tempted (also cut up the interest free credit card).
Don't hide this from your dh. Surely it will come out sooner or later.

You say you can't get rid of your store cards and even if you did you know the number. Cut the card up and put them in the bin , ask the stores to issue new ones and do the same. Then you will not know the numbers.
You need to take responsibility for this.
You need to add up what you owe and then show what the interest is. Move it all to an interest free credit card ( 6 months interest free for credit transfers ) and keep moving it till it is paid off.
You then need to find a way to fill your day which does not include spending all day shopping on the net.
You also need to tell your husband - as I too was on the receiving end of something like this and I was very disappointed that my partner could not confide in me. Thus the problem got much worse than it should have.

Being in debt is like being overweight.

Once you are, it's more difficult to get back to the previous status.

Because to pay all the debt you have to save even more than you normally would.
As an overweight person needs to eat less than someone who wants to keep up the weight.

So, you need to go on a shopping diet until you have paid it all. And that means no shopping for yourself until the debt is paid off. No shopping for shoes until you have holes in yours (and then you put new soles), for example. It doesn't matter if it's ebay or charity shops. It all adds up.

The old saying is not wrong. Watch the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves.