follow up/request for clarity from "stuck in contolling and EA relationship in Australia

[theansweris42]

Hi, this is a follow up to my first thread here:
Scales fall from eyes

I have gathered legal info and we'd only possibly qualify as de facto in NSW as there is a time requirement (to have been in the state). Even if we did, we are renting here and just the one income. So not much to divide. I think it will be better to wait until we return to UK where P has the property etc.

We've agreed things not working. He believes it is because we no longer get on and have been together 20 years which is a long time. I've said I want to return early 2014 at latest and set up my home with DS1&2.

I am trying to make a plan to cope with the situation - ie. the financial control and the emotional abuse.

Am I right in not fronting up to him about his behaviour any more? I have tried to make him "see" he's not being fair about money and when he is being controlling/horrible. It doesn't help. It causes arguements. I don't want to be "weak" and just capitulate but I feel the best plan is for me to just try and endure and smooth things over until we leave. Or, will this make things worse?

He's said now there's no budget for childcare. As he claimed he needed 3 days per week to look for a job this seems a bit rich. Again, when I try to address this - he goes into denial and "I told you all this, it is expensive here..." escalating into anger. I will try to find a job, but it will be hard without being able to go to agencies etc and I don't know what I'll do if I get an interview! But I'm doing my CV now. Although I do wonder if he is trying to stop me.

I feel that as I have started to see things as they are and his awful behaviour I've probably started to stand up to him more and this may be making things worse.

It's going to be hard as I now just start to feel like I despise him. I guess others learn how to live with it until they have an exit plan.

Does this - keeping quiet, saving where I can (won't be much as food budget also has gone down) and focussing on finding work seem a reasonable strategy? If so, and others have been able to "keep quiet" - how is it done? is it possible to hold in the anger and tears? Does one get inured to it?

Any views would be much appreciated. I am in Australia and also can only post when he's at work and around the 2 tiny DSs so I'll be reading and will post when I can. Thanks.

Are you on the EA thread at all? That's for people living with and leaving abusive relationships.

Isn't there any way you could come back now?

hi thanks for replying. I have looked at it, I just am so limited in when i can post I'm not sure I could contribute to it as much as everyone seems to do.
I am dependent on him, he won't come now. he just will not. And I can't remove the DCs.

Sorry you're in such a difficult position .

Can you spend less time in his presence? I don't know, like him have his space within the house and you have yours, and just be civil when you have to share space? I don't know how practical that is.

Thanks
I can, but he will wonder why - he'll say we've been alright all these years can we just not manage as usual for a few months? I would have to say why I can't stand him - which might be counter productive?
We have a bit of space, I can sit elsewhere form him and watch DVD on laptop or whatever. Even if it's in bed.

Have you talked to domestic abuse services in Aus? They might be able to give advice and support. (EA and financial abuse are valid reasons to contact them if you're worried it's not 'serious' enough).

Have you checked if you get any childcare benefit? We were in Sydney until last summer & even tho I was a SAHM & DP was on a good salary we still got some rebate when DS2 was in family daycare once or twice a week. It was only around $40 anyway for a full day which I thought was pretty reasonable. But given your situation you might not get far with this avenue anyway.

If you have to spend time in the same space together without needing to tend to kids (e.g. if they are in bed) then I recommend listening to podcasts on an ipod or phone if you have one, when you don't have to concentrate on something else. It's almost like having an adult conversation & it can be quite relaxing or fun if you listen to a comedy & would distract from another person around.

Also check out britishexpats.com & the section on returning to the UK.

Thanks - podcasts are a great idea, though it'll be a chnage of behaviour - I'm wondering if this will make him angry/wary/more secretive.

I've applied for the money I can get as a SAHM and been paid some. But I have put it to one side to try to save for future - but also, P has given me a figure to give them for his income but I do not believe it is right. So I'll probably have to pay it back . I will get the childcare rebate too, if I can only get it started and pay the first few weeks somehow

haven't talked to DA services, as always have DCs in the week. i can try when they are playing in park - guess they are used to fragmented conversations!

Thanks all for your comments. Time to start the DCs lunch now. Sleep well, those in UK!

Time to start gathering copies of all financial evidence.
And don't let him get away with not contributing financially. Pull him up on it every time, tell he go owes you quite a bit in child care already plus expenses from his time off.
There should be a women's legal centre in sydney you can phone for advice. But I would suggest gathering as much evidence as possible without him knowing while you can and are still together. Copy everything and upload to the Internet, google docs or Dropbox. Make sure he has no evidence of this.
I am in Canberra not sure I could be practical help from this distance.

"Am I right in not fronting up to him about his behaviour any more? I have tried to make him "see" he's not being fair about money and when he is being controlling/horrible. It doesn't help. It causes arguements. I don't want to be "weak" and just capitulate but I feel the best plan is for me to just try and endure and smooth things over until we leave. Or, will this make things worse? "

Bullies thrive on knowing their behaviour is generating a response. Now that you no longer care what he thinks or does, if you can emotionally detach from him at no detriment to yourself then that might be the right way forward. Stand up for yourself over important issues.

JJ thanks but I'm having probs getting anything. All passworded online, I'll keep on it though.
Cogito do you mean if I can let things go without feeling crap for not objecting?

I mean pick your battles and fight your corner on the really important stuff you are going to need post break-up like finances. You can't afford (literally) to backpedal on money because this is your livelihood and you DCs welfare that is at risk. Be very businesslike about it and clear about what you want. Use legal back-up if you need it. If he gets aggressive with you, involve the police.

The rest of the time don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he has got under your skin emotionally. Be as detached as you like about the small stuff.

Have you tried this organisation. They refer specifically to financial ("economic") abuse.

Information about support services in various states is here.

Thanks olgaga I'll read the info. Have read quite a bit - think I'll phone someone.
Cogito unfortunately it is the money he is v defensive about and is a massive issue. He knows I'm still not happy & I'm not going to leave it, but he just just says we can't afford it, whcih I don't believe.
It is just hard after 20 years to not feel the emotion, to be united. I wondered if anyone had experience of it - can I protect myself while still here for a while?

inured

yes you can, but it is hard and you have to build a little bubble for him to live in...he is in planet abuse, he is not normal, you can't reach him, you can't change him, you can't "be reasonable with him...you just have to let it go and imagine all the c*^p bouncing around in his bubble whilst you live in the normal world.

it's hard but not impossible.

be aware though that if he is someone who needs tha emotion and drama then his abuse may escalate, if he just needs the control not so much.

it is hard to keep this up for long so definitely keep planning and preparing and always have a safety plan.

A last piece of advice, depending on the age of your children you need to tell them some "safety info"..who to go to, who to call (ic. police) if things get hairy/violent, what to do if they are scared (you don't have top be specific about their father) and have a safe meeting place in the house (not kitchen or bathroom and one with a window/door to outside) that everyone knows to go to if you shout "out now"

You saw a Solicitor in Sydney I assume? Because the reason you would be entitled to half his property in London is because you are defacto. The rules in Australia are very strict about that, if you are legally defacto then you will be treated as though you are married.

If you go back to the UK, then you will have to prove exactly how much you contributed to the payments on the properties and his investments and then fight for your share.

My biggest advice is - stay put! At least until you are comfortably within the 2 year time frame for being a defacto in Australia (and they will take into consideration how much time you have lived together everywhere else I believe).