HELP! vviolent ex out of the house, now children's SS are trying to get him back in!

[awana]

Hi All,

I'm not too sure where to post this, but it follows on from my previous thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1591308-domestic-violence-seen-by-my-son

Following all of your fab advice, I managed to get myself together and get help from adult social services as I was so ill with ME, including some hours of parenting support for my 3 yo son, loads of external agency support like a FSW and homestart help as well. My family have even come round (thank god).Things are going well, just apart from one major thing.

Childrens social services are completely refusing to acknowledge that there has been any DV. They have listened to my ex saying that I'm mentally unstable and have based all of their views on his! They have refused to listen to the DV agency supporting me and have refused to take on board anything I'm saying, or even look at any evidence (medical reports, specialist reports etc) that counter what they believe. They have even suggested that I manipulated adult social services into helping me and giving me parenting support, despite having recently won my DLA appeal to receive higher mobility and middle care.

I had to sit in a meeting with them where they basically shouted for 45 minutes at me and asked why I didn't let my ex look after me. Against my wishes they have sigend me up for mediation and demanded that I medaite with DH in the same room face to face. They have minimised my ME illness and expect me to walk up 3 storeys to their meeting room, dismissing it as psychological despite me with an ME specialist for the last 3 years.

I really couldn't believe it. It was a in a room full of people from other agencies that surely can't believe that sort of agressive and abusive behaviour is acceptable. Unfortunately I was feeling really terrible so i answered back although I probably shouldn't have. Not in a rude way, but to try and justify myself against DH's lies. eg he gave up his job to look after me, instead of the reality that he failed his 3 month probation.

Having taken 3 years of shit from my 'D'H, I now find that he's manipulating SS (just like he did my family) to abuse as badly as he ever did.

Besically they couldn't get anything on me during the assessment period and now have decided to extend it for 3 months so that they are with us through the mediation / counselling period despite it being completely out of their remit. They also asked DH to be in the family counselling despite him being the perpetrator.

I have decided to put in a complaint as I simply can't take this anymore. i am wondering - are SS such bastards that they're going to support each other and make things worse for me - ie ensure that DH is primary carer and take my son away in punishment? Is it better for me to suck it up?

Are there good ways of making a complaint? Who can help me as an advocate with this - is it worth getting a lawyer or something? Will I just cause more trouble for myself? any advice would be SOOOOO welcome. I dont know what to do right now.

Thanks for reading such a long post and I'd really welcome any advice you may have - without mumsnet i'd be lost!

xx

Sorry, don't really know what to say,

Do you have any police evidence of DV?

unfortunately police let him go, and insinuated I had made it up - I DIDN'T

Bumping for you as unfortunately I have no advice. Sounds horrible. Good luck.

I don't really know a lot about this and so this is a bump for you. One thing- could you ring WA for advice? You could also post in legal to see if anyone there has any ideas.

Was a worker from the DV that's supporting you present at the meeting? If so, what was their take on the meeting and what have they advised you to do?

How many other agencies were present?

no - the DV worker wasn't invited and can't attend if perpetrator is there. She's also been left off the network list moving forward. Additionally there was a FSW there who did/ said nothing, plus a friend and my mum. Adult SS was invited but couldn't come.

Are you saying your ex was present at the meeting? What other agencies were present?

my ex was present at the first meeting, but not the most recent one...DS's teacher was at the first one. FSW was at the second one.

I think if you contact Rights of Women www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ they may be able to advise you.

Don't give up love, keep strong!

Find out who you can complain to with regards SS. If you get no joy there then take it to the parliamentary ombudsman. You'll need to be referred by your MP but that's not as daunting as it sounds at all.

The thing is you need to have exhausted the SS complaint procedure before you can do that. Be careful though as they do tend to close ranks.

Goodluck, it sounds horrendous x

What is this mediation/counselling SS has 'signed you up for'? You've mentioned that it will take place in their meeting room. Are you saying SS intends to conduct the sessions or are they going to bring in an outside practitioner?

When is it proposed the first session should take place?

SS is a local authority issue and you should be able to ask for their complaints resolution procedure. You might or might not get some joy from a local councillor. The local government ombudsman is the final source of appeal but not till you have gone through the council's own complaints system.

That's the official line. Ringing some of the agencies mentioned above will be helpful too, I hope.

Definitely get an advocate for this. I know MIND provides advocate for mental health issues, not sure if that any use or whether they provide advocates in every area.

Do you get legal aid, in which case you could perhaps engage a lawyer to advocate for you, to get your paperwork proving DV and for them to reconsider this situation.

I don't understand why SS or any agency have to be involved in whether a couple stay together or not, it is personal choice whether to leave a relationship for any reason. No one has to stay within a relationship. SS involvement can cover children in need, or child protection issues so may be worth getting a meeting to happen to cover the need for "mediation" based on you not desiring (for any reason) to remain in a relationship with someone - with an advocate there for you, who understands SS and other agencies.

have responded on legal thread but just wanted to ask how children's services got involved. Is it child in need, or are you currently divorcing or trying to sort out residency etc Nd the court has ordered report?

He's a child in need cos the police got involved when the DV happened and apparently automatically refer it onto them. Thanks MsFanackerPants will have a look at your response now.