I only have one friend

[BettySuarez]

And over the past few months I have found myself wanting to distance myself from her more and more. She would describe me as her 'closest' friend but in truth I find her to be quite condescending and self-absorbed.

Problem is, there is literally no-one else.

My DC's are all teens so opportunty to get into the 'mummy circle' has long since gone (no school run either thank heavens ).

I am self-employed and work from home, no colleagues as such and my work hours are erractic with DH often working abroad so it can sometimes be difficult to commit to a regular event like an evening class.

I want to make other friends but I don't have time for anything too 'demanding' or high-maintenance (if this makes sense)

I want to be able to break free from my one (slightly toxic) friend but I'm afraid it is going to add to an even deeper sense of loneliness. I'm 41.

Anyone been in this situation?

I'm IN it tbh!

The only fabulous friends I have in my day to day are in other countries! I hate the school run thing, it's excruciating.

Being with no friends is better than having a shit one. Seriously.

Can you talk to your H about how you can develop a life outside the family day to day? If your DC are teens then you CAN commit to an evening class, they could be left, or you could get a sitter for the times your H is away.

I'm single, so have NO chance of getting out without a babysitter and am too broke for that.

I don't really understand why, if your dc are teens and you are self-employed, you can't commit to an evening class? Surely you could arrange one evening or day where you could commit to something regularly? You have to get out there and meet people.

You could join a choir or band, start a class, get involved in volunteering somewhere, try a book group, get involved in local politics or co-operatives, try a sport, go dancing? But everything requires a bit of regular attendance.

There's a point at which you have to put job, kids, DH and everything else second and put yourself #1. If your social life needs work, that's your top priority. If you're self-employed you can - even if you think you can't - dictate your own hours to a certain extent and make them less erratic for something you really value. My job is also home-based but takes me overseas from time to time, so my beloved weekly communal activity occasionally has to be given a miss. But I keep it up regardless because it's very important to me.

There is a ladies only version of the round table in this area - why not find a similar one and make some friends with others who work from home?

Hi

Its a difficult one - my good friends live at least over an hours drive away or overseas so hard to meet up during the week. I've made one friend in particular in this area who has just blown me off (she invited me over for lunch tomorrow) to see a friend who lives over an hour away from us. She said she wasn't able to meet up as she had the chance to see xx in xx. I wouldn't mind if it was the first time she'd done it - but its not. But I find it a bit insulting she has done this (AIBU?). So I wonder if I'd be better of without her. We get on alright when we see each other, we have a lot in common and the kids get on well. HOWEVER, I'm like you - in this area - I know v few people. I'm starting to meet and talk to regular people when I take my kids to rhymetime and swimming and preschool - buts its never extended beyond that. I'm 41 too. I find as I've got older, I find it harder to make new friends. And I'm a young mother with apparently all these opportunities to meet folk. But I don't like to impose on other people - so I don't know if people find me aloof or whatever.

When you say she's self absorbed etc - do you find yourself bored/offended by her? Its a tough one - in our group of friends we had one friend (we were all flatmates at uni) who was really selfish/everything was about her/used emotional blackmail a lot and sometimes was really just not a v nice person. She fell out with 3 flatmates (there were 5 of us; I'm the only one who didn't fall out with her as such but did tell her she shouldn't be so dependent on friends; another flatmate has made it up with her - but the other 2 still don't speak to her). Her dad left home when she was 12 (without so much as a goodbye to her), her mum was an alcoholic and she has been struggling with depression - so do you turn your back on someone like that when you know the circumstances. I feel sad our circle of good friends has broken up - but she did q underhand stuff to friends. Sigh...sorry -got no solutions.

T

Having only one toxic friend is a terrible situation to be in and you need to put yourself first and make it a priority to change it for the sake of your emotional health.

It sounds like you would drop her if you knew you had another (nicer) friend to fill the gap.

Don't think of it as something that just happens - making new friends is a skill and takes practice. It's ok to feel daunted the same way you surely would if you had to start dating suddenly after 20 years, but you can do it!

Ditching her first might give you the motivation to pursue new activities with a view to meeting people, or to make the first move to see if any of your acquaintances could become friends. It might take a while to make a true friend but even just the social time with new people at a course/activity/volunteering is going to be more satisfying than being condescended to by a "close friend" who is self-absorbed.

Thanks for your replies everyone and you are right, I could make the time to get out and find some groups to attend. I have tried in the past (Zumba - which I enjoyed) but very few people turned up alone, they all seemed to be in established groups which just compounded the feeling of loneliness.

I have been thinking about joining a choir and have also had a look at our local WI website (they look like a reasonably normal bunch and a mix of ages ). Part of me is holding off I suppose because of the reaction I am likely to get from The Friend. She will either be very mock offended that I didn't invite her too or will take a superior 'belittling' tone (or possibly both )

I guess I am just going to have to accept that her reaction will be a shit one and brace myself to do it anyway.

She lives just round the corner from me, our lives are intertwined as we have become 'second mummies' in a way to each others children and there have been times in our lives where we have literally just dropped everything for the other person in times of need.

It's hard to walk away from that and I don't actually want to end our friendship (I do actually give as good as I get when she kicks off) but I do want to establish other friendships and hobbies that are independent of her.

I guess that over the years I have just got myself into a rut with work/kids/work/kids and it is time to pull myself out of it

I should add that DH is very supportive of me and would make sure it was possible for me to get of an evening

You don't actually have to tell her. You're entitled to a private life, y'know.

I know but she'll find out eventually and make a huge fuss about it

Whenever I do something, like get my hair done or buy a new coat or even buy a new cushion for the sofa - it is noticed and lots of attention is drawn to it.

The more I type this, the more I realise just how toxic she is and how this is affecting me.

Argh. She's a menace! You definitely need to redefine some boundaries with this woman.

Be less available and become vague about your activities - "oh you know, same old, same old, what have you been up to?" "Oh the oven's just pinged, gotta go". Detach!