how can I stop myself obsessing over my DH and his affair

[madgered]

I found out recently that my DH has been seeing AW. We are in the early stages of divorce proceedings. I am so upset over the breakup of the marriage but more worrying is that I cannot stop thinking about him and the OW. he keeps his phone close to him all the time. when I get a chance I try to look at his phone, but it's locked by a code. I go through his pockets to check if he's gone anywhere, I check his room. it's an obsession that I cannot stop. Help! It's distressing me. how can I stop this behavior?

Why are you still living together? Why hasn't he left?

Cold turkey.
So he needs to go NOW

He needs to move out.

he won't move out! He's been told to stay put by his solicitor. he wants to keep the house and so do I, it's my home. I've nowhere to go with the DC, So we're stuck. I need some strategies to help me stop this madness. it's really tough.

he won't move out! He's been told to stay put by his solicitor. he wants to keep the house and so do I, it's my home. I've nowhere to go with the DC, So we're stuck. I need some strategies to help me stop this madness. it's really tough.

I think you need to speak to your solicitor and get him to write to the other side explaining that it is impossible for you to continue sharing a house, under the circumstances. That it is detrimental to your mental well being. And that, bearing in mind you are a mother with children, it would make sense for DH to be the one to do so. He needs to say they will be applying for a court order to enforce this if necessary. No judge will put a mother and DCs out of the marital home when they have somewhere to go.

Sorry.....when they DON'T have somewhere to go...

Then what you're struggling with is not 'obsession' or 'madness'. It's not some terrible psychological failing on your part. What you're struggling with is straightforward honest-to-God ANGER at the betrayal of a man whose stupid, fuckwit face you still have to look at every day. How do you resist introducing his ribs to the bread-knife???

I think the only way to get out of this is to get your solicitor to force a sale. The property is keeping you both artificially together and, until you get rid of it, you will never get past this stalemate.

Agree with cogito. I assume as you've not said it there has been no DV and nothing to give you grounds for an occupation order?

madgered sorry to hear that you're going through this. It's such a rubbish situation when you're stuck living with your STBXH whose obsessed with OW. I had 4 months of doing this & I think it was the longest 4 months of my life, added to the prior 6 months of thinking I was going mad. A truelly horrid time.

I can completely relate to your compulsion to check even though you already know the truth. I think it's because you're in a state of disbelief. And you have to watch your H going out on dates while pretending not to. Badly. I was also sickened by my behaviour of checking everything. Made worse by what I discovered making me feel 10 times worse. XH had condoms everywhere & took OW abroad for the weekend (lying about it obviously) & came back with loads of pics of her on his camera! There I was falling apart looking after a young baby, there he was completely in new relationship mode.

So how to stop? For me, getting busy formulating my escape route. I was in a complicated situation & there was no question of him moving out. Plus distracting myself with friends & dvds. Anything to immerse myself in. The daytime wasn't so bad as I was so busy with our DC but it was the evenings that were the pits. Home alone while he was out. The other thing that worked was telling myself how lucky I was to have found out the truth now & not to have to waste any more of my life on him. So what if the prat is out with the OW? She's welcome to him etc. I seem to remember I spent loads of time out power walking with the buggy. Exercise helps. Plus go out in the evenings & get him to babysit. Start building up your social life independently of him.

Take care & remember, the busier you are, the less time there is to fixate. The urge to do so will then pass.

It's really awful because he puts on this friendly front, he has meals with all of us, which is great for the DC, but really doing my head in. he behaves as though nothing were wrong. bring me a cup of coffee in the morning. I think he enjoys my discomfort. I wonder if I can get him out. Because there isn't any proof that he is intimidating me or is threatening me in any way. I'm not sure we can force a sale either. he house is in his name. flipping hell!

Yuck. What you've written is bringing back some horrible memories. My EXH used to try to be all nicey, nicey. Even trying to get into bed to give me a hug. It was ridiculous. He seemed to think I was stupid enough not to see through his facade. It was just plain weird.

oh mydishwasherneverstops how ghastly for you. I think he's planning on going away with her When I'm abroad with my DC at Eastertime, because I've seen him study an Amex travel circular with great interest. he's also spending two nights in London next week for work. I'm sure they will be together. it's terrible. it's like mental self abuse.

London was where my EXH went for his romantic break. Funnily enough, I didn't have any proof that he'd gone away with OW until he arrived home a day later than he'd said & I got home & heard time singing at the top of his voice in the shower ( which he never did). Immediately I knew he'd been with her. But he stuck rigidly to his business trip story. Until I found the pics & had concrete proof. Why was I torturing myself? I did think I was going mad. Sorry OP my memories aren't helping you. You need a way to get him out of the house as others have said. The sooner, the better.

The house may be in his name but, with certain provisos, it's classed as a marital asset and you have a claim on a portion of the equity. Do talk to your solicitor about forcing a sale.

As Cogito says, the house is a matrimonial asset and forms part of the 'pot' available for division on divorce. It makes no difference whose name it is in. It is not a quick process to force a sale though. First you need to issue divorce proceedings then if not able to reach an amicable agreement on the finances, you need to issue an application for ancillary relief (finances). There will then be up to 3 hearings and it is only at a final hearing (which realistically will be up to a year, if not longer from your first application) that a final order for sale or transfer will be made.

yes I will certainly talk to the solicitor about forcing a sale. Big problem though which probably will put a spanner in the works. He uses one of the outbuildings as a workspace and it will be quite a palaver for him to move it. he will argue that if he moves, it will have a detrimental effect on his work and therefore affect the income coming in to the family. Even so he can still move somewhere to live and return to his out building. perhaps the law can enforce that.

whether the Court will force a sale will depend on a number of factors. Obviously you both need to live somewhere but there is not always enough money to re-house you both at this time. You need to start getting your ducks in a row as it were. Find out what the house is worth, find out how much (if any) is outstanding on the mortgage and then you will know what the equity is. That is the starting point. Are there any savings? Can you get a mortgage? Lots of questions need to be answered.

You asked originally about how to stop obsessing. The phrase is 'don't get mad, get even' and I think, if you put heart and soul into pursuing the legal/financial side of things, you might find it helps give you something constructive to put your energy into.

ok emailed my Solicitor. didn't mention my OCD behavior, just my distress.