Am I being stupid for feeling like this?

[Clarabumps]

DP went to a birthday party last night at a lodge in the country. I was not invited so I assumed it was a boys only thing. He was under the impression is would be boys only but it was organised as a surprise by his friends(who's birthday it is) wife. I knew her friends would be there.

I've had the kids all week as he works really long hours and i'm a Sahm. DS2(4) has just been diagnosed with asd and is really hard work and I have two other kids ds1(5) and dd(4mo).

So he leaves yesterday and I waved him off and went upstairs to find that he had left his phone. I was really annoyed as I didn't have anyway to contact him directly. I looked through his messages and found the wife who was organising the party who's last message was "Don't forget to pack your speedos for the hot tub haha!"
I was really annoyed. Not because I don't trust him but because he failed to even mention it and I wouldn't be in a situation in a hot tub where there were single guys and my partner wasn't there. It also turns out that there were guys there with their partners so it wasn't boys only. I understand if he wanted a night away without me but why not just say that? Everyone is entitled to a break now and then.

I phoned his friend to let him know he'd left his phone and then asked him if he remembered his trunks for the hot tub. He just said yes and didn't seem as though it would be an issue.

I told him I was annoyed for the above reasons and he accused me of wrecking his night..so I apologised just so I wouldn't be accused of being a killjoy.
But I'm not sorry, I'm raging.
For these reasons.

• i'm annoyed I wasnt invited and i'm annoyed David didn't say "is Clara coming or is it boys only"

-I'm annoyed he failed to mention the hot tub -I'm more annoyed as I feel as though we're not really a couple. sure we have three kids but he's not romantic and there has never been any declaration of a commitment to me ie engagement and we have been together 7 years and prior to that 3 years(when we were a lot younger)

I feel like his cleaner, nanny and cook. I don't feel as though i'm his partner that he's proud to take to thing (for example this)
I'm trying really hard to lose the baby weight and have been working out loads the past two weeks and he knows I have problems with body image so I don't know why he cant understand that I'd be annoyed at him being in a hottub with girls in bikinis and me not be there.

He's not the type to cheat but its more the fact I don't think its respectful.
And he's totally ruined my weekend. And now I have the kids all week without any kind of break.

He's due home in a few hours so am i being totally stupid and hormonal for feeling like this??

Sorry for the typos and rotten grammar.. i'm angry...

I'd be annoyed too, and probably feel emotional about it. But he hasn't actually done anything wrong so you might just get into an argument you can't win!

Can you let him know you're feeling hurt without getting cross with him?

That is really shit of him. I'd be so angry and hurt if I were you OP.

How would he feel if the situation was reversed and you were sneaking off on a hot tub jolly with a loads of mutual friends while he was stuck alone with the kids none the wiser?

He's lied by omission and isn't treating you like a partner at all.

Really, really shitty.

I'd be upset too.

You need to organise a night out for yourself, so you get a break from the grind and have something to look forward to.

The larger issues are you feeling taken for granted and unvalued. How is your relationship generally? Do you feel loved?

I know he loves me but I don't feel cared for. I feel as though I look after everyone and no one looks after me. I'm not trying to play the martyr but with a new baby and ds diagnosis I really could do with feeling loved and special. I just feel like a caretaker at the moment.

To be fair to him he works a lot as he's self employed and we are both shattered all the time.

i would be furious actually

If you had been invited, would you have been able to go? DH and I very rarely go away for the weekend together because of a lack of childcare for that length of time.

I only ask because, if he knew that you wouldn't have been able to go, even if you had been invited, then perhaps he was trying to spare your feelings by not telling you all about what was going to be happening over the weekend so you wouldn't feel like you were missing out.

However, even taking the above into account, I would still, like you, be feeling hard done by and fed up. It is very hard when you're a SAHM, to not have your partner around at the weekend either, when you do anticipate a teeny bit of time to yourself, or at least some help and support with the day-to-day stuff.

And if you could have found someone easily to have your three DCs then you are most certainly not being unreasonable!

In all honesty, the one incident as described above I think you are over reacting, if you trust him does it really matter if he is in a hot tub with a bunch of his mates? And just because some of the girls are single it doesn't mean they are all going to be after your man. I also think you were out of order reading through his messages.

I think the way you feel about it is maybe due to the way you feel generally though, if everything else was going well would this have bothered you so much?

Have you talked to him about how you feel? What could he do to make you feel cared for? I would have an open and honest chat about your relationship (seperatly to the chat you have about his night out) and what he could do to take some of the pressure off you. Is there any way you could have a night out as a couple every once in a while? Its so easy to fall into the role of parent and forget that you are actually a person in your own right too.

Sorry you are having such a rough time of it at the moment :(

You are not being stupid at all.
The bit that really pissed me off was instead of him trying to apologise for bring thoughtless he said you had now ruined his evening.
He's a bit of a cock.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

You said in your OP that your DP was under the impression that it would be boys only but you're annoyed at him that he didn't specifically ask if you were invited too. I don't quite know why he would if he thought it was boys only.

If you knew that the birthday boy's wife's friends would be there then why not speak up instead of waiting to see if your DP mentioned it?

You were way out of line reading his messages. The hot-tub is a non issue.

I'm more annoyed as I feel as though we're not really a couple. sure we have three kids but he's not romantic and there has never been any declaration of a commitment to me ie engagement

Is this your real gripe? You need to speak with him, but not on the back of an argument about a night out. Pick a quiet time when you are child-free. Presumably you had a conversation about commitment, engagement and marriage before you planned your three children? What was his take on it then? Is he aware of how important this is to you?

I did post this before and it seems to have disappeared. I looked at his phone as I didn't have any way to contact him. I was looking for the hosts number as she wasn't on his contacts and I don't have any of his friends numbers. Would you have been fine with not being able to contact your dp for a whole weekend when you have 3 kids.
And as far as the whole planning who does what and even when children come along there are no hard and fast rules to what happens. Things change.. He has to work more now due to the economy.i didn't anticipate being a sahm for this long but ds can't go to a childminder.
I probably am being over emotional but I think that's a bit harsh to more or less say " well that's what you signed up for "

He see our kids as commitment.. I see it as a commitment to them not specifically to me..
I should have been clearer. He knew her friends were going.. He said he didn't know who else would be there.
He's back and we talked it through and he says he's really sorry he didn't consider me. And that he with held the info about the hot tub and he knew I'd be funny about it. And he says he was wrong. I apologised for putting a damper on his night which was not my intention but I was soooooo annoyed I couldn't think straight.
Thank you for all your comments