Needing help / advice regarding my siblings

[shockedtohell]

Hi all

I hope some of you love MNers can give me done advice regarding my sisters.

I don't live in the same country as them, last year I took my DS to visit the family. First time they have met him!

My sisters and I have always been very close! So this is hard for me. Durning my holiday sister 2 and I fell out over a very silly thing!! She had the opinion that she's always right and if you ever disagree with her she ignores you and becomes rather nasty ( she's 18 ) so typical childish behavior! She doesn't understand that everyone has the right to their own opinions!

After this fight sister 1 got involved! They started saying things about me to each other ( rather nasty things ) this of course set off a train reaction of major fighting!) it got to the point were we were in the same room but wouldn't talk!

All this happened a few days before my DS 1st birthday! ( sister 2 said to my friend she roundly be attending ) I was very upset! Tried calling sister 1 to see if she was still coming! No calls of txts!

On DS birthday they arrived very late, a quick hi and that was it. Sister 1 asked why I was upset and I said I thought she wasn't coming! She said I was being stupid thinking that ( I wasn't as when ever i called before fight the answered and always replied to txts) a little while later sister 2 storms in and she's she's disowning me :-( I asked why and she said you just made things worse!!! So on my DS's 1st birthday I'm in tears!

We didn't speak much at all durning the day! I cried a lot of it.

Left to come back to my country and we still haven't really spoken! I've tried with sending pics of DS and messages. No reply or if I do it's 1 liners!

I'm now going back on holiday so I sent messages to both sisters no reply. I'm very upset!

Do I just leave this?

Sister 1 is upset with me now as I told our DF something very personal about her! He had a right to know as everyone else knew. I only told him cause he heard me and my sisters mum talking about it.

Any advice? It's eating me up and making me very upset. I miss my sisters terribly.

Sorry for long post

Oh Cinders.... with two warring step-sisters (sisters' mum isn't your mum?) what you need is a fairy godmother! They were probably just jealous of your 'prodigal son' visiting honoured sister status and dealt with it badly. In your shoes I would just leave it and be very grateful that you have a lovely DS and a nice life in a whole other country. Communicate with your parents obviously, don't back-bite with other members of the family and continue to observe little things like a birthday card etc. Let them apologise when they're ready.

Thabks for your response.

They are my half sisters but never seen them like that. They have always just been sisters. I don't think it's jealousy I think it's spoilt behaviour as they have always had there way. There mom has brought them up to think they are the best!!

Ill leave them be just hope that they realise they have a sister that loves them and a nephew who wants a relationship with them!

I'm just worried that they will want to spend time with him while ignoring me. They did this the day I left and it hurt more then words could describe. What do I do if they do it again?

Of course it's jealousy. They have it very nice in your absence, spoilt rotten, 100% of everyone's attention and suddenly you appear from foreign parts, bearing cute child, getting lots of attention and .... they don't like it. Doesn't actually matter that they are half-sisters. Full siblings are totally capable of being equally petty.

You and your DS are a family, you come as a set. If they want a relationship with him they have to start treating you a lot better. Sharpen those elbows and stop dismissing it as 'typical childish behaviour'... they are women now, not little girls.

Very true. I guess I never saw it as jealously. Thanks so much it's being preying in my mind loads.

Will just have to see how they are once im there.

I have no contact with my two younger sisters, we all live in the UK and actually quite close in terms of distance.

We were always very close growing up but in the past 4 years things have completely deteriorated. ONE of the issues which I have indentified and come to accept is jealousy, especially on the part of my sister who is just over a year younger than me. I never thought it was jealousy either, two very close friends first broached this idea with me, and then a counsellor. Looking back over their behavior then and now has made me see that jealousy plays a big part in our problems.

Your situation does not sound as bad as mine but I would say that to avoid the cycle of you always going and fixing things, showing them that you are needy of their love and attention, just leave it. Leave them alone and let them apologise when they are ready. The more you keep tryng to contact them and make things better they can keep telling themselves that they don't need to make amends, that it's all down to you, even though it's not.

I know it's hard and can make you feel sad, but hopefully they will come round and show some sisterly love and respect, unlike my own sisters. It takes all of you to have a good relationship, not just one sister who feels the need to do all the fixing and keep you all together

Xx

That's blockednose I appreciate your advice and will follow through with waiting for them to make the 1st move. It's going to very hard as I missed a lot of their childhood ( dad and stepmum divorced we weren't allowed contact ) I just don't want to kiss out again as it was the hardest part of my childhood!

But your right the are grown up and should act like grown ups.

Adverse - it was my fathe I told ( her father too ) he's accused her step dad if doing things to her. The whole family know about it apart from my dad. I felt he should know but she said no so I left it. When I was back on holiday her mum ( my ex stepmum ) spoke to be about it ( she doesn't believe my sister at all. Well she spoke to me outside my dads house and dad over heard. He questioned it and I said it was nothing but he kept pushing and pushing!!! Sister was his favourite till she turned 18 so I think he was pushing me so hard as he lives her dearly. In the end he was do upset and wouldn't stop so I told him! I never went into details just said she accused step dad and then left it at that, dad was terribly hurt that no one told him as he would have helped her.

I know it was never my place to say anything and I have apologies so many times but it was all my fault if her mom hasn't been a big mouth and brought it up he wouldn't have know. But i Am still partly to blame so for that I will admit and hope for forgiveness.

This is just a horrible place to be. I miss my sisters they always asked after there nephew and they haven't since we left last September. It's heartbreaking!

Your father asked you a question and, under some pressure, you told him the truth. There is no need to feel guilty or berate yourself therefore. You were not being malicious, gossiping or lying. If other people want to punish you for telling the truth then they have far bigger problems of their own.

Yes, you've probably contributed to opening up a massive can of worms that is now playing out in your absence but, if it hadn't been you, it would have probably come out some other way. Let them deal with it, keep your distance and don't feel that you are in any way to blame.

Thanks cogito

I feel terribly that I told him. Didn't sleep at all last night worrying about it. Dads not done anything just offered sister a ear if she needed to talk. So not much can of worms as dad said its up to sister what she does.

But still I feel crap and sad. Feel silly for even thinking they would be happy to see us. Plus it's sisters 21st this year I want to buy her something special bit think why should I if she doesn't even care. ( plus we have never had a card birthday or Xmas from them yet we always send with a pressie ) sorry for ranting its just hard to understand there mind set on things. I know they are not happy with me cause this Xmas they only got a card! But I wasn't giving them anything after the way they treated me. ( I still feel guilty not doing that ) man I sound pathetic sorry ladies xx

You are not pathetic.
Relationships evolve, for better or worse.
You can not force someone to participate in a relationship if they don't want to.
From your posts, it sounds like you have been doing all the work of the relationship for quite some time. The present events are a wonderful point in time to back off on persuing the connection. They are very disrespectful to you, dismissive, rude, immature and perhaps even manipulative (the secret conversation could have been a set up) so your step-mom might even be involved in black balling you.

It does hurt. Tremendously; and I am sorry for you that you are going through this. If someone outside your family was treating you like this, would you put up with it? Of course not. The fact they are family really doesn't change things-really, it doesn't! Do not tolerate it. Life is too short.

Fact: you have grown up, but they have not. Keep your self-respect, guard your self-esteem and greatly reduce contact with them. Your life will be happier and much more peaceful. Your ds will not know what he has missed, because you will have protected him from being a puppet of manipulation.

When you go back, do not depend on them for anything...plan your own outings on your own time schedule.