Red flags in past relationship - lucky escape?

[AnalyseThis]

I'm recently divorced from someone with alcohol and financial problems. I've posted before about these issues and got some good advice but have NC'd to ask this question which is a bit different.

I knew for so long that Ex was a complete idiot but (wrongly) felt there was something I could do that would salvage the situation. I eventually accepted that it was entirely his problem and divorced him so I could focus my time, energy and money on my child.

I never considered Ex as emotionally abusive but being away from him and reading the "Red Flags" threads on here has really got me thinking.

I know I was very stupid but these were red flags for abuse weren't they?

• Declared love very quickly and publicly after we met. Told me that the main character in his 'novel' had my name and he thought it was destiny... (Bleurgh...)

• Blamed me for his drinking. Luckily it was after I had started to educate myself about alcoholism and read some of the Al-Anon literature and co-dependency books.

• Told me several times that he wanted to hurt me (emotionally) and this was just a normal part of loving someone.

• Told me at various times that I was mad, insensitive, even psychopathic. (Having undergone thorough psychological profiling for my job, I knew that anything along these lines was unlikely to have gone entirely undetected but he still seemed determined to try and convince me.)

• Blamed his depression for being rude to me and others but never sought treatment.

• Sulked and ignored me like a small child if I criticised his drinking, smoking or spending when we had no money.

• Spent my money so that I ended up with a lot of debt in my name. It took me years to notice that he paid for virtually nothing and was always borrowing my cards. Stupid, stupid, stupid...

• Punched walls and injured himself because he felt under pressure at work or depressed

• Tried to persuade me to get rid of our very competent childminder (who it turns out was willing to challenge his behaviour and refuse to leave DC with him before I got home. She was ahead of me and I'm a fool).

• Told me that I needed him and wouldn't cope without him after divorce. (This one was so ridiculous, I don't know how I didn't laugh out loud.)

At the time, I was so caught up in the drama of his alcoholism and fear that my finances would be wrecked that I missed a lot of other stuff. I'm also prone to delayed emotional responses for some reason so I'm often overly calm in stressful situations because I don't realise for weeks that I've been upset or scared. (I know this sounds weird and I feel stupid about a lot of it which now looks obvious.)

I can see now that even if he hadn't had the drink issues, this would have been a shitty relationship. So much to get my head around.

Absolutely yes on every point: RED RED RED flags. No doubt. Sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like he was simply using you.

Yes of course it was a lucky escape.

It is amazing what you can miss in a relationship. I'm clever, well-rounded, worked in SW, should know better. It took my current DH to sort this riddle out. I was previously married to an emotionally immature idiot who used drugs, disappeared for days on end, had lots of female friends who massaged his ego (even they didn't want to sleep with him), acted like a total twunt.

I said to current DH, "of course I never had children with him, he would have been a terrible father, I wouldn't have inflicted him on children". He asked the obvious question... "why did you think it was OK to inflict that on yourself?". If only DH had been around 10 years ago.

Yes they were all indicators of an abusive person. In your defence, it probably started small. Takes years to chip away at someone's better judgement and the skilled abuser will start with small challenges that get easily dismissed or rationalised away. Depression, alcohol, childhood problems, anything labelled 'issues' . Over time, helped along by an unwitting apologist and rescuer (you), they get away with worse and worse.

Interesting that you say you are 'overly calm in stressful situations'. This is not a failing on your part, it's a strength. If you are a strong, capable, intelligent, successful (?) woman that can cope with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, as a bright bloke once put it, the downside can be that you keep trying long after a weaker, less able person would have walked away.

Funnily enough I had exactly the same revelation as MrsTerryPratchett only it was my mother who made the connection.

I know what you both mean about realising that you'd put up with
a situation or behaviour that you'd never expect anyone else to put up with. It is a revelation when your mind finally makes that shift.

We deserve as much consideration as other people. It's so simple and yet so hard to grasp.

With Ex, there was lots of subtle stuff which I bought into in the first few years, plenty of childhood "issues", health "problems", untreated "depression", "creative sensitivity" (?!?!) and general melodrama over everyday life. I was naive rescuer and apologist par excellence.

I wince when I look back and remember literally apologising to other people for Ex's rude behaviour as though it was my fault. Friends, family, colleagues, the poor guy collecting tickets at the train station gate - everyone.

I think I stayed so long because I hate quitting and find it really difficult to leave a problem unsolved. Being calm helps a lot in the working environment but hasn't brought me much benefit in my personal life. If I got angry in the moment, I wonder if I might have got out sooner.

Ah well, I think I've learned when to quit and that's worth something.