Need some advice as relationship is ending

[Calemama]

Had a talk on Monday with husband of 5 years as he had been acting strange since new year! I had thought he was having an affair as he's been going out regularly with the neighbour next door who is both of our friends ( male ) he's being selfish & acting like he's single for months, joined gym etc. but I thought it would pass. He has said that we'd both be happier if we split & I half heatedly agreed initially but then decided we should try to work things out & maybe get some counselling etc but he doesn't want to do this! I've been in a constant daze all week thinking about this huge life changing situation I'm in, but have had to keep all emotions bottled up as I've been at work or with kids all week!! I haven't been able to talk to him all week because its too hurtful & upsetting & I just cry, I wanted to possibly talk tonight but I can't actually believe I'm writing this, he's gone out to a dinner party !!!! I am at home with children in limbo as to what is happening & feel like an emotional timebomb!!

He's at a dinner party?! Were you invited?

No, his new friends, a mix of sexes but I think they are all single!

How old is he? could it be a midlife crisis type thing?

He's 30! But has been acting like he's 18!!

What a tough situation to be in. I feel for you.

Can you start making plans for a separation? I know that's what I'd do in this situation so at least I understood what it would mean for me and my DC. Doesn't mean it's a plan that has to be followed but does mean you have some control of a situation that sounds out of your hands.

What specifically do you want to talk to him about? it sounds like he checked out months ago so it is going to be really hard to get him to re-engage.

Incidently, i'm sure you're worth more than how he is treating you. He sounds a bit of an arse to be waltzing off and not communicating - and i would be suspecting an affair too. Sorry.

I haven't even read your message but I've just found intimate & very suggestive texts on iPad as they come thru to there as well as his gone so now I'm furious that he's made me feel like this all week & lied to me!!!!

I'm not surprised. Now about that plan to strike out alone with your DC ....

He is a twat and not worth your anger

I really don't know what to do now! If I didn't have kids I'd lock him out the house & throw his stuff out etc etc. but I can't!!

Yes you can lock him out and put his stuff in bin bags.

He CHOSE to check out of the marriage, he CHOSE to cheat so has to face the consequences.

The worst thing you can do is to beg and cry for him to come back. It will not work and will push him away.

The best thing to do is to detach and tell him you deserve to be treated with respect, love and honesty and that's why the marriage is over.

My DD3 DP did this let her believe they had drifted apart and he just could not go on with their relationship. DD3 was suggesting counselling and examining her behaviour. She discovered not only had been having an affair it had been going on for 3 years!!

You are well shot of the pathetic creature that could treat you like this do not give the opportunity to weasle his way out of things.

Well, he's talking a bout a split, and not making any current effort to mend your relationship. It might be a mid-life crisis or an affair. Either way, unless you decide that the small amount of attention he does give you is enough, then it's unwiseto let this drift.

Either he really wants to split up, or he's dissatisfied but has not really thought about the consequences. You need to show him those consequences, by preparing a separation plan, and perhaps just telling him to leave. Then you have the time and the space to sift out what you really want. He might decide he's made a terrible mistake, and you can forge a new way ahead together. Or you're better off without him.

Either way, get RL support, be prepared to move on, and do not pander to him.

If you feel you can't do it today because it will impact the children tell him he's got one week to pack and leave (or a day, whatever).

Make sure you've got copies of important information like pensions, salary etc., copies of evidence of affair. Also you and your kids passports/birth certficates. Take some time off work if you can. If you go down this route you must hide things you want to keep or are precious to you - out of the house.

A very wise person advised me in a similar situation and I found her advice infinitely helpful;

1. Think very hard about what you would say to your best friend if she were in your situation and what advice you would give. At the end of the day you are the only one who knows the full story and people can't tell you what is best, only you can.

1. What is your gut feeling on this? We pick up a lot unconsciously and if you allow yourself to relax and "feel" the situation it may open your eyes a little.

Take some deep breathes, talk to someone in the know in RL and remember that although you may feel alone - you are most definitely not.

Hugs and hugs again from me xxx