Unknown

[ct148]

Ok, so I have no idea how easy this question is to answer, but...
We have only been married for 3 yrs but I now have doubts over whether myself and my husband will stay together for the rest of our lives. I am 27, he is 33.

He hasn't been cheating, been abusive, anything like that. But since my beautiful DS was born (now 16 months) we have disagreed about pretty much everything parenting related and it has divided us. This isn't the only factor behind what I'm asking but its probably the biggest. The nagging feeling in my gut is getting hard to ignore.

Anyway, I suppose what I would l ike to know is...if we were to separate what would happen with regard to custody, absolute worst case scenario? His parents (awful) are wealthy and I suspect they would try everything in their power to have my DS live with his dad. Does the child always go to the mother? How much time would my DS spend with his dad?

I've never actually acknowledged these feelings before so even writing this feels scary.

Well, I have just logged on, full of my own problems and have just read your post! Good news is that you will get loads of support and great advice :)

I am sorry you are going through this. I dont have any experience so I cant advise you but all I can say with my hand on my heart is, follow your instincts.

And (of course :)) listen to the great advice you will get here. ((hugs))

Hi there, try posting in divorce/separation. Might be someone there who s had a similar thing to deal with. Good luck!!

There are two distinct problems in your OP. The first being your differences, particularly your individual approaches to parenting, serious enough to make you feel like splitting. Whilst I would never suggest to a couple that they should 'stick it out' or 'try harder' just because they are married, it is reasonably common for cracks to open up in a previously good relationship when the stress/fatigue/responsibility of a baby is added to the mix, for communication to break down, individuals to feel taken for granted or overlooked, and you may wish to look at couple counselling before you decide it's all over for definite.

If that's something you've done or dismissed and your 'gut feeling' is that you're just marking time and a split is inevitable than get proper advice from a solicitor rather than making too many assumptions or guessing. Many family solicitors offer a free initial half-hour consultation and you can find out quite a lot in that time. I'm assuming that you are in the UK. If it's any reassurance, the benchmark for access agreements is what's best for the child. For older children that might be 50/50 care. For very young children the balance tends to be more with the mother as primary carer. Wealthy grandparents have no part to play in the discussion.

As Cogito says, even good relationships can wobble with a new baby, as the stresses of differences re parenting will out, less 'couple' time, less sleep, possible changes re work.

A relationship that wasn't equal in the first place will become more unequal, often (though this may not be your situation) the man becoming more controlling as he sees 'his' attention being given to a small infant.

If you take the baby issues out, is the rest of it manageable?Remembering that no relationship is going to be perfect forever?

Again, as cogito says, access will be predicated on the child's needs. And what is arranged for young children will (should) be different to the access for older children/teenagers.

Thank you for your input, I always find it touching on here how people take time out to try and help someone they don't even know!

Admittedly the relationship was fine until my DS arrived. But we were only married 3 mnths when I found out I was pregnant (wasn't planned). I'm not sure if things would be different had we had longer 'on our own' before becoming parents. I wouldn't change a thing as I adore being a mum but I do think on some level my husband is almost jealous of the time my son takes up and dislikes my way of parenting him. And porridge...what you said about unequal relationships becoming more unequal rung a bell. I don't think our relationship has ever been particularly equal, he is naturally quite controlling and likes things his own way and up until my DS arrived I was quite happy to keep the peace, but now I am a mum I trust my instincts and won't do things which I don't believe are right. So I think he dislikes me now arguing back if I don't agree with him about something. So yes, I suppose the crux of our problem is our differing parenting styles. But I know him very well and I now have a feeling he has changed his mind about having more children. This is something I would find extremely difficult to accept and I think I would end up resenting him for. Even if we had another he has disagreed with so much of how I treat my DS that I believe he would be constantly nagging me. I'm not sure he thinks I am a particularly good mum.

Rather worryingly, and I'm sure the feeling is probably mutual, a lot of the time I don't actually like him as a person. If I don't agree to everything he suggests he gets very nasty and ignores me for days on end. His mood swings are diFficult. One minute he is up, the next he's at rock bottom. I find him very depressing to be around at times. his constant dissatisfaction with everything in his life is exhausting. I can't imagine him ever being happy with his lot.

At the moment I feel a split is inevitable at some point, and wonder if I'm better to get out while I'm still young, or to bide my time to see if things improve. I worry about how us not being together could affect my son. I also couldn't afford to support us financially so I'd need to give that some serious thought.

ct148 can you , in the meantime try and squirrel away some money as a "get out" fund?

You sound very switched on.

My advice would be to get out while you (but more importantly) and your child are young.

It sounds like you have always been the one to compromise in your relationship, and you are now falling foul of that. Things change when children come along. A good, strong, healthy (equal) relationship will withstand it. But ones founded on one person always giving way (ie. you) will falter because now you will come into your own and his controlling ways will no longer be acceptable to you.

From the little you have said about they way he treats you, I would cut my losses now, especially if you want more dc because every child you have with him will tie you to him (emotionally and financially) even more. The way he is acting is not a good example for a child, and the more you stick up for yourself the worse it is likely to get.

Yup, the more you say, the more I think start planning now for a break. And absolutely squirrel away some funds. IME men such as these, are wonderful for saying that they will remain friends, and be fair to you and their child. Actions are often different however. Good luck whatever you decide.

"he is naturally quite controlling and likes things his own way and up until my DS arrived I was quite happy to keep the peace"

That certainly wasn't/isn't an equal relationship. No-one is 'naturally' controlling. They can be naturally selfish but controlling behaviour is something they learn, refine and, very importantly, something they choose to apply. Being nasty and ignoring you for days on end is psychological bullying... also known as emotional abuse. 'Mood swings', are often designed to keep you constantly trying to please.. and this can be very bad for your self-confidence. Sadly, someone who is already exhibiting that kind of behaviour early in a relationship tends to get worse rather than better.

I'd recommend you read this article. It's entitled 'Are you dating an abuser?' but don't be alarmed. It's about the early warning sign character traits to look out for in the early days of a relationship and I think you'll recognise quite a few.

Good luck

IME men such as these, are wonderful for saying that they will remain friends, and be fair to you and their child.

porridge can you elaborate?

Courage;
As far as I have seen and have heard from others, where there is unequal power in a relationship, when it does break down, it is initially part of the dominant partner's self-image that they will 'be fair' and 'we will remain friends'.

But, as with so much else of their pattern, what they say and what they do are not the same.
As the less 'powerful' partner becomes stronger and more assertive, the dominant partner feels threatened and withdraws support which they felt was theirs to bequeath (so keeping less powerful one under their thumb). They rarely see that the other partner has 'rights' to an equal share of the family time/assets etc.

Hope I've explained it clearly. Why do you want to know?

I'd support what porridgelover is saying. In the context of men who are manipulative, controlling or abusive, 'remaining friends' can become nothing more than a way of maintaining a connection through which they can continue the behaviour. For example, in an effort to 'remain friends' they might choose to carry on seeing any DCs in the family home. But some will exploit that opportunity to criticise, browbeat or probe them about other men they're seeing. 'Remaining friends' can result in an end to the marriage but a continuation of all the same old problems. The ex ends up no better off.

Thanks. I was married to one of those men porridge and it has been exactly how you tell it. It helps to hear it as a type rather than to do with me. My STBXH doesn't really criticise overtly but has this kids of oppressive presence (for want of a better phrase). It's like he's really reasonable as long as I think similarly. It's strange how easy it is to be blind to controlling behaviour I think..

I agree about the blindness Courage. I still find the same with my ex although I think my boundaries are pretty good now. He can still leave me in a fuddle if I try to reason with him.
If I stay true to my internal compass, he cant shift me though.