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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

to have thrown DP out?

74 replies

ruledbyheart · 12/01/2013 20:34

I dont think I am but I need reassuring.
DP has depression and been on tablets for 2 mthswith no difference, he has a lot of self esteem issues and I try to be calm and help him as much as I can but tonight I lost it.

DP often makes a lot of silly mistakes when askedto do things like if I give him a list of shopping he will still forget something or if I ask him to empty the bins he will forget, really silly things which usually is fine no real problems but today he forgot to pay his phone bill resulting in it being cut off and he has spent the money on other things so can't pay it, I offered to sort it for him but no to him its the end of the world and it's apprently my fault as he has so much to do he cant remember everything (he isnt working atm and only has odd jobs to do around the house).

He has lost his temper big time and I have had enough I told him he needs to sort things out as Im pregnant, have 3DCs under 5 to look after plus I sort and pay all the other bills, this result ed in him going into the hall way and actually punching himself in the head , I did shout at him as I hate him doing this so he came up right in my face hitting himself again, my DCs were downstairs eating dinner and I was worried one may come up to go toilet or something so I threw him out.

I dont know what to do, no longer no where he is and I dont know whether to even let him back in as I can't cope with this.

I know he will be back in tears and all apologetic promising he wont do it again but I have learnt this isnt going to change.

AIBU just to pack him a bag and stop him coming back?

OP posts:

AbigailAdams · 12/01/2013 21:39

OP, you have the right to live your life without fear, without treading on eggshells. And protecting your children from this behaviour is the right thing to do.

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 12/01/2013 21:41

Purequintessence this is exactly why I struggle, I have been with DP 2 years and my DC love him, he has been in DC3 life since she was a baby but leaving wouldn't be an issue if it wasnt slightly complicated by DC4.

OP posts:

BakeOLiteGirl · 12/01/2013 21:43

There are just two things here.

Is it really OK to kick a vulnerable person with depression out like this. If it was the man doing it to a woman there would be uproar.

Mums self-harm too. Should these 'nutters' have their children taken away?

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 12/01/2013 21:45

The problem is he can be lovely and I know its this illness that makes him an idiot at times, Im so angry when he gets like this but know it would break mine and DCs hearts if he left.

I just dont know what to do, part of me (selfishly) thinks Ive done my best its not my problem let him sort it by himself.
The other part of me knows its not his fault and wants to help him be the man I love again.

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 12/01/2013 21:45

They are not his children, though. Ops responsibility is first and foremost to the welfare of her children, and if he is going on like this, I bet she has one helluva life trying to shield her children from his behaviour. It really is not fair on her, and the kids. He is an adult, and he can live elsewhere while he accesses help, if this makes life easier for ruledbyheart. (apt name)

Doha · 12/01/2013 21:48

I'm with purequint on this one

Portofino · 12/01/2013 21:48

What Abigail said. Your CHILDREN are the most important thing here - they deserve better.

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 12/01/2013 21:49

BakeOLite Girl honest question if someone was punching themselves in the head and you knew it was possible that your children could walk in at any point, what would you do?

I did what I had to do to protect my children from that sight.

And yes as much as some people would disagree with me if I selfharmed in front of my children I would expect to have them taken away whilst I sought help for my issues.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 12/01/2013 21:50

Fantastic - only on MN is the bloke a 'nutter' when he's clearly depressed.

The whole pack would be out if were the usual case of undiagnosed PND and forgetting to put the bins out.

male self harm = nutter.

shakes head

Lindsay321 · 12/01/2013 21:51

Hi ruled

It sounds like you have built a life with this man over time. Why are you so quick to push him away when his MH issues have reach a point of self destruction?

I understand it must have been terrifying to watch him punch himself but he is a person too. If you love him can you imagine what he is going though? Just because you self harm does NOT mean you are a risk to others. He IS a risk to himself however. Is there some you can call tonight to get him home or possible to A&E. It sound like he is having a breakdown.

PureQuintessence · 12/01/2013 21:52

"Its always the same circle, he forgets something acts like its the end of the world and then if he doesn't get enough pity he will get angry lose his temper, hit himself, go out, calm down, come back all apologies , tears and promises."

You and your children deserve better than this. This is no life for your kids.

I bet you tip toe on eggshells! Are you worried when something will happen to set him off again? Worried that if you ask him to do anything, he will forget/not do it and then create another scene, be angry, hit himself?

expatinscotland · 12/01/2013 21:53

I agree with Quint.

PureQuintessence · 12/01/2013 21:54

Ok, sorry about nutter. Lets say Egocentric and Abusive? That any better?

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 12/01/2013 22:00

Lindsey I have no doubt he will be back the same as every other time apologetic etc, I dont believe for one second he will harm himself more than he has done, this isnt a one off and does happen on a semi regular basis (usually when DCs are asleep or with their dad though).
This has been going on for months so not just a quick decision to push him away just tonight I was left with no other choice.

Purequintessence I do and am but at the same time I know its not his fault and can get better.

I know I keep contradicting myself, I'm just so confused, sorry.

OP posts:

mynameisnowsonicthehedgehog · 12/01/2013 22:02

Why are people not supporting the op, she is trying to support her dp, and trying to protect her children at the same time. Regardless of her dp's depression... their welfare must take priority above all else.

OP, if you feel ok to do this alone for now, I would let him go stay with his mum, you can still support him and it sounds like he needs some time away from the pressure of family life too.

HellonHeels · 12/01/2013 22:03

His self harming does make him a risk to others - his children and their emotional well being.

PureQuintessence · 12/01/2013 22:05

Maybe being so understanding is not helping him, but enabling him?

Maybe it is not the depression causing this? You say you have been with him two years, and he has been depressed for a year, and worse the last 6 months?

Maybe it is just who he is, depression or no depression?

I was depressed, had pnd, I did not behave like this. Not all depressed people shout and scream, rant and turn violent against themselves (or others).
Maybe he just is lazy and irresponsible, then throw an anger tantrum if somebody calls him up on it?

If he is not working, do you support him too? You must be exhausted, pregnant mum of 3 with a lazy layabout in your hair.

KeatsiePie · 12/01/2013 22:10

ruled good luck with the conversation. Re: joint counseling: I would not ask him if he is open to it. I think you should require it. Certainly you can explain why you think it is needed. But he cannot say no. He cannot expect you to live with his depression without any support.

From what I've read I don't think he's abusive. I think he is in despair.

If he can go someplace else to live until his counseling and your joint counseling both start, I think that would be best.

If he can't go someplace else to live, well, the short-term suggestion I made about telling him to isolate himself for a moment when he feels like he might need to scream or hit himself -- that is not going to solve anything in the long term, of course. But it will help keep things bearable until the counseling starts I think. It will keep the OP from having to worry that the kids will see things they shouldn't see. It will keep the OP herself from having to see him like that. And it will give him a place to let himself express those feelings so he can then pull himself together and continue on with the day. Again just a coping strategy until you can get better ones from counselors.

AbigailAdams · 12/01/2013 22:13

I can't quite believe that some people think it is OK for the OP and her children to put up with behaviour like this. Yes he maybe depressed. But that doesn't excuse abusive behaviour and it doesn't mean the OP has to put up with it. He has no right to behave like that, depression or no depression.

TheNebulousBoojum · 12/01/2013 22:13

OP, I won't be back as I don't post in Relationships, but I do hope your situation resolves itself and that you and your partner can come to a safe place for you all.
Good luck.

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 12/01/2013 22:16

He is back and like I guessed teary and apologetic, I have told him that he is welcome to stay tonight on the sofa but I need time to think before I talk to him, DCs going to their dads first thing so will talk to him then.

I dont know, maybe it is just him but he has had a lot of contributioning factors that would leave most people down so benefit of the doubt would say depression, for the first year he was great and things just slowly went downhill fromthere, he has no motivation to do anything and even gave up the gym and social life, he doesn't want to work as he was badly bullied at last job so is being supported by me.

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 12/01/2013 22:17

I think you have to put your dc first and therefore it's best for your dp to seek help away from the home.

It may be that he isn't the man you thought he was but is actually abusive rather than depressed. Either way, the outcome is the same, you're on egg-shells and his scapegoat. He needs to sort himself out. I think you're right to have him leave.

PureQuintessence · 12/01/2013 22:20

Maybe you putting your foot down and telling him to move out while he gets his depression under control will be the kick in the bottom he needs to progress.

I would also urge him to rejoin the gym, as the endorphins produced during exercise will help his moods. Also, Omega3 is a natural anti depressant.

MusicalEndorphins · 12/01/2013 22:20

It is really difficult when someone you love has mental illness. I can't really offer any great wisdom, but wanted to say, it can get better. The pressure must be hard for both of you. He may need more than an anti-depressant, my friend takes 3 different medications, after years of trying this and that anti-depressant, which never helped. One is an antidepressant, one is for anxiety, not sure what the 3rd one is. She forgot everything and thought everything was too hard for her to do same as your dh. She is ok now. I hope he gets the help he needs and things work out for you both.

AbigailAdams · 12/01/2013 22:22

What do you get out of the relationship, ruled? What does he contribute to the household (I am not talking purely financial here)?

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