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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Once an abuser always an abuser?

22 replies

MrCockup · 12/01/2013 20:11

Can they ever change?

Ex p was abusive in every way, physical, emotional, financial, controlling, lying, cheating.

I eventually got out. He's with someone new now and they're getting married soon. They seem really happy, is it possible that he's really changed?

OP posts:

Varya · 12/01/2013 20:13

No. A leopard never changes his spots!

AThingInYourLife · 12/01/2013 20:13

You probably seemed happy to people who barely knew you when you were being abused by him.

N0tinmylife · 12/01/2013 20:15

Anything is possible, but very unlikely. Was there a time when you and him would have seemed happy for someone looking in without knowing what was actually going on?

JaneFonda · 12/01/2013 20:15

I highly doubt it.

I like to think that everyone has it in them to change, but when it comes to abuse etc, I just think there's something ingrained in them that means that is how they will always treat people.

I know you haven't said it, but just in case you're thinking it - if he seems happy with her, it's no reflection on you. So you mustn't think that it was in any way your fault, because it wasn't.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/01/2013 20:16

No, he won't have changed. My friend's ex just remarried, we can see his abusive pattern starting already. She can't of course, because he's still lying to her and she's all loved up.

We worry for her, he can be very violent.

Original poster

MrCockup · 12/01/2013 20:26

Logical part of me knows it's no reflection on me, and it's not as though I'd wish it on anyone.

I know they must have had a rocky start because he was still with me when they met but she didn't know )she was ow but he must have convinced her that I was ow). He didn't tell her for some time that he had a new baby, not sure how he managed to explain that one.

Yes I suppose to an outsider we probably looked quite happy most of the time. I hid the abuse well for a long time but I was very isolated. She is not. She socializes a lot, I was never allowed to.

It's difficult to believe he changed just like that. He was a gambler, stole money from me. Didn't take much to tip him into a violent outburst. Me spilling something on the sofa, making eye contact with another man in the street.

OP posts:

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 12/01/2013 20:29

No, he'll still be abusive. If he has had counselling or was sent on any kind of 'perpetrator programme' after his abuse of you, he will simply be more subtle in his abuse.

Because men like him don't think of their female partners as human beings. WOmen are things for them to make use of, and punish if they are disobedient.

dequoisagitil · 12/01/2013 20:31

When you first met him, though, I don't suppose he showed that side of himself much to you, did he?

He's probably capable of hiding his abusive nature and manipulating situations for fairly long periods. I wouldn't count on him being able to do it for the long-term.

NC78 · 12/01/2013 20:34

I don't think people who are capable of being that nasty ever change. I know a few nasty people who are capable of seeming lovely until you really, really know them.

tiredoftrying · 12/01/2013 20:34

was just sitting here thinking the same thing ,I have had two relationships an both have been the same ,cant help wonder if its me or the ,but in my opinion the first time they was abusive was all appologies an never again would it happen to then being a natural behaviour, an I also know that the first partner was the same before me an is still jow with his new partner so no I doubt most are willing to change ,maybe some ...

Chaoscarriesonagain · 12/01/2013 20:35

I've thought long and hard about this. Just remember, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. She may be masking it to create the 'perfect image' , lord knows I was.

Don't be resentful, be grateful.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2013 20:36

The only difference it might make is what techniques he adopts over what timescale. For example, if she has a strong support network he may have to take a year or so gradually isolating her from it, or persuading her that she must not tell family and friends about any problems between them. The net result will be the same though.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 12/01/2013 20:38

It won't be long until she's isolated too and living in fear of spilling something on the sofa.

Poor woman :(

tiredoftrying · 12/01/2013 20:42

totally agree with annie my ex did that without me even realising ,then suddenly I realised I was isolated an worried about every move an every word .it only takes them time to take over

lulubellaboozle · 12/01/2013 20:52

He won't change - I do remember reading once though an article which said, no abusive man is abusive as soon as he meets someone, otherwise they would get kicked into touch and dumped straight away. All abusive men are nice to start with ...... you're always in deep before you even realise there may be a problem.

tiredoftrying · 12/01/2013 21:01

yes that's for sure ,

OverlyYappyAlways · 12/01/2013 21:04

Mine has moved on now too, they were very happy to start with but know she has started walking into trees

She also phoned me pleading if he came in to say we were 'discussing the boys' we were discussing the fact he was telling her, I was calling him 'and would take him back' I told her this was nonsense and he was liar

He did come in, I lied for her but he was still angry with her and hung up, after telling me to fuck off, wasn't very nice considering she phoned me.

I changed my number(s).

tallwivglasses · 12/01/2013 21:07

Do you know much about the women he had relationships with before you? ExP went into great detail about how he was accused of bashing his last girlfriend and how people turned against him when they blatently had only heard her side. It was long after he'd hurt me that I realised he must have actually hurt her too.

GreenEyedGirlxxx · 13/01/2013 09:50

Was just about to post a similar question. My ex was abusive, aggressive and controlling. He treated me badly for so long (probably 3 years - we were together for 6) but we did have a lot of financial problems and I had health problems which contributed to his unhappiness. He always said he had never been aggressive or violent with anyone else, so it must be my fault. I've recently spoken to his ex girlfriend who he lived with before me and she said he was only ever really aggressive with her once - although he did treat her badly.

He's with the woman he left me for now - left a year ago - and he says they never argue. I just wonder if it really was just with me he was like that or if its just a matter of time.

OverlyYappyAlways · 13/01/2013 10:30

I doubt very much if this was your fault greeneyedgirl, you cannot make a man angry or controlling.

All men have a choice.

nospace · 13/01/2013 11:07

I ask myself this as well. Ex is in a new relationship and they are head over heels in love and everything is wonderful. Is he going to be different to her because he wants to be with her, and he didn't want to be with me for a long time. When I was with him, I behaved in ways I'd never behaved like before and didn't think I was capable of, so maybe he can be different too in a different relationship.

ladyWordy · 13/01/2013 11:24

No, he won't change, because the behaviour is hard-wired.

It's a common and sad misconception for a woman to think she 'brought it out' in her partner, and he will be different with someone else. He won't. No chance at all.

It's akin to sexual abuse victims who say nothing because they think it was their fault, or it only happened to them. The result: the abuser carries on, usually for years, with countless other women / children.

So if you suffered abuse, remember you were the target, not the cause.

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