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Relationships

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When to get out?

7 replies

Wickerman · 12/01/2013 19:54

Since the demise of my marriage, 3 years ago, I've been in a relationship with a man 15 years younger than me. It's had all the cliched advantages of a relationship with a much younger man, and all the probably less talked about disadvantages. I am deeply in love with him, and we've been through a great deal together. We also work together - it's not all the time, but it's a significant part of both of our working/creative lives.
For the first two years of our relationship, he was extremely possessive and needy - he was going through some mental health issues at the time - and I chose to stand by him even though he was very difficult. He's now fulfilled, happy, and content, and I'm delighted. However, I also feel that I am slowly losing him, as is perhaps inevitable given the age gap - he needs me less, has more of his own interests, and is frequently out. Normally I would relish this as a healthy relationship, but I spend a great deal of time absolutely terrified that this night is going to be the one where he meets someone else, more compatible agewise. We have both agreed that our relationship is not for the long haul - he wants kids, and I, at 40 and with two teenaged kids, am definitely not interested in having more.
So - do I take matters into my own hands and preemptively end things with him to avoid getting hurt - or do I take things day by day and just accept that it's not going to last forever? I find myself very sad a lot of the time, and that's neither cool, nor attractive to him - I can feel him getting antsy because of it, which is unfair but understandable.

OP posts:
MerlotforOne · 12/01/2013 20:02

I think you've answered your own question there Wickerman. You alredy knew it wasn't for the long term, and taking it day to day is making you sad and anxious about who he'll meet. That's no way to live and may damage your self esteem if it goes on too long.

Time to let him go. Onwards and upwards!

dequoisagitil · 12/01/2013 20:02

If you're spending a lot of the time feeling low, then it sounds like it's time to call it. I reckon it's better to choose the ending yourself.

pinkyredrose · 12/01/2013 20:04

If you've both agreed this relationship isn't for the long haul then I think all you can do is enjoy his company for the time being.

Wickerman · 12/01/2013 20:36

It's tricky. I KNOW rationally that we all have millions of potential soulmates, but I'm constantly amazed at how well we get on, and how much we have in common. Initially because I was newly divorced, I didn't want my kids to know about him, and so it's been a secret relationship - but today when I suggested coming clean to the kids he seemed very reluctant - which sounded massive warning bells to me. I don't actually want to come clean to the kids because they have had a really hard time with their dad's succession of girlfriends - but for me, I would love to be able to be with him 7/7 instead of him staying in the spare room half the time.

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 12/01/2013 20:50

Were you trying to force the issue by talking about introducing him to the dc?

It's not warning bells - you've known from whenever it was that you discussed him wanting dc/you not wanting more that this wasn't going anywhere long-term. It seems strange, now he's backing off and isn't needy & jealous anymore, that you're chasing harder.

I think it's time to call it quits. It's getting messy.

Wickerman · 12/01/2013 21:57

It's v messy. My divorce contract states that if I hook up with anyone, my exh can stop paying me maintenance - spousal not child maintenance. This basically makes me feel like chattel. New bf earns fuck all, certainly not enough to contribute the amount of maintenance exh is paying. I'm trying like fuck to rebuild my career post divorce - but am freelance creative and it is taking time.
For me, the money and the kids' psychology has been enough over ps 3 years to stop wanting to make it offical with bf. He has always been pushing to make it official, and now suddenly doesn't seem to want to - to me this denotes him wanting to be able to make speedy exit without fucking over my kids.

OP posts:
ahmnoclassyladybut · 12/01/2013 22:02

We have both agreed that our relationship is not for the long haul

He has always been pushing to make it official

Seems a bit odd?

If you preemtively end it are you sure you won't get hurt? Is it not him who is forcing you to end it, really?

Personally, I would try and sieze the day and enjoy it while it lasts. Lifes too short

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